Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Walking with you- Ripples of Marriage

With Kaels condition Layne and I had to make many decisions before Kael even passed away. Ill never forget the drive home from the hospital one night and discussing the heart wrenching decisions that we had made earlier that day with the pillative care team at Primary Childrens. When Kael was born right away it was a whirl wind for us but I knew after he was born and whisked away when Layne came over to me to hold me and we cried together we would be ok. Now of course woman and men grieve differently so after Kael passed away sometimes it was tough... I couldnt stop talking about it and sometimes it was to hard for Layne. Layne was able to talk at Kaels funeral but it was to hard for me. We both helped dress Kael at the funeral home and we sat on the couch holding him together crying for over a hour together. The best thing we could do was be there for each other. As time went on at night we would hold each other and cry till we both fell asleep. Layne started feeling like he needed to be the strong one for us so he reserved his feelings much more than I was able. I didnt want to step on his toes even though for the longest time it bothered me that he couldnt talk about Kael like I could I quickly found out through other grieving mothers that it was very common and to not worry. Layne expressed several times that he thinks of Kael often but that he doesnt need to talk about it. Once I got over that I was just grateful that Layne was and still is so supportive of the things I want to do to  keep Kaels memory alive. We remember him together and grieve him in the ways we feel best. But one thing is for sure we both know we love and miss Kael and we will always work together to honor him. Loosing a child can for sure be a strain on your marriage but with hard work and acceptance of the way each other need to grieve it can work. Sometimes talking to someone else can help to if you need to talk and your partner can not. Friends come in very handy during this time. The most important thing I can say is keep your communication open always and try to be understanding of how the other person needs to grieve. We were not perfect by any means but we did learn and I can say grew a ton.We continue to work daily at this grief thing and  I am sure we have much more growing to do. Dont forget when times seem the hardest dont forget to lean on the lord he will  help you. And when it feels like hes not there dont give up on him he will help to carry you. Dont forget if you want to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/


Ashley said...

That was so well written. For me...it does, still, bother me that my husband doesn't talk about Beckett like I do. He says he think about him all the time but doesn't need to talk as much as I do. I guess I should let him do what he needs too. Thanks so much for sharing!

Amy Saville said...

My sentiments exactly. David and I are just the same.

Jennie said...

I agree with you and the above comments! I was so confused at first... that Jared wasn't grieving etc. But once I learned that men can be very different than women, it was better.

Molly King said...

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus." Amen!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I agree that it is very helpful to have friends you can lean on. Sometimes our words and feelings are too much to share with our husbands who are grieving differently. My husband was able to share in the emotions with me in the beginning...but after a time, he needed to be strong and reserved as well. That's when I leaned on my friend Ginny...who was gracious to really walk through this time with me. It's so important and helpful for couples to understand that men and women grieve differently and to release each other from unreasonable expectations. Thanks for sharing your thoughts...great words of wisdom.

Holly said...

I'm glad your husband supports you in your grieving and doesn't judge the things you do to remember Kael like some people would do. I think men def don't talk as much about their feelings perhaps to be strong for us.

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