Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Monday, January 30, 2012

The funeral... good bye for now.

This week in walking with you its about the funeral. Ill never forget the morning we found you passed away at home. I was in such shock... I couldnt believe this was our reality. We held you and cried over you for such a long time. We changed your clothes and then family came over. While your grandmas and aunts were holding you daddy and I looked up funeral homes. I never fathomed having to do something like this for my child. We called the funeral in Bountiful who has done all of our family funerals and they were so gracious to help us out. They were so kind patient and helpful. They told us they would send someone to pick up your body and asked when we would like to come in to make the arrangements. Daddy and I both wanted to go and get it all planned to make sure it was perfect so we went later that day. When the man picked you up to take you away I fell apart! When I had to hand you to him a stanger I was a wreck. I remember telling daddy we should send your car seat.. I wanted you to travel safely. What a ridiculous thing to think but it totally devastated me. I remember Aunt Lynette holding me as I bawled as daddy took you out to put you in the mans car. We made arrantements for your brothers and headed to bouniful to make the plans. When we got there I was dubmfounded. How were we sitting in this room picking out caskets and flowers for our baby. We found the most perfect one with blue linning and teddy bears on the outside. It was beautiful and very boyish you loved your soft teddy bears so it made perfect sense. We then picked out the date and time for your services and wrote up the program. We decided we would bury you in your little tux from your blessing and would come back the next day to dress you. That night we went home so many family members came over, we made lots of calls and made arrangements for your aunts out of state so they could be there to meet you and say good bye all at the same time. I remember sitting on the couch surrounded by family and just staring apologizing for not knowing what to say no words could come out of my mouth that would make any sense. I couldnt eat or sleep everytime I closed my eyes I would see you. I prayed so hard to god to keep you safe, to hug you and kiss you and to make sure you knew how much we loved you. Uncle Zacky bought me a new dress and shoes to wear to your funeral and grandma Bott got Daddy and your brothers suits to wear. Uncle Travis made a video of your short little life and we got lots of your things together to set up tables at the church for your funeral. When it came for the day to dress you daddy did most of it. Aunt Jen and Natalie came but all I could do is put your little socks and shoes on. It broke my heart to see you that way. Im glad I was able to help looking back and daddy was so happy he could do most of it. After we dressed you we spent a few hours with you. Talking about the memories, telling you how much we loved and missed you begged you to keep your brothers safe and help us get through the next day for your funeral. Grandpa Bott donated us a plot in our family plots to bury you in and uncle Robert donated your headstone and helped us pick it all out. We were so thankful for the help and all of the love we recieved. The day of the funeral we were in shock. So many people sent flowers, cards and plants. People came early to say their final good byes.. I was amazed people I hadnt seen in forever. It meant the world to us though. When it came time for the family prayer and to close the casket I was a wreck. I wanted to grab you and run out of the room with you and run away forever. I know it sounds crazy but its true. But I didnt we put in something special from each of us kissed you one last time and went into the chapel to tell the world how special and amazing you were. Lots of beautiful songs were sung, people gave wonderful talks and when it was all done we went to the cemetery to lay you in your final resting place. We had a small graveside service and then told you goodbye for now. I could have stayed forever. I go back and visit often and decorate it. I know your spirit is in heaven but it helps my heart to still be able to do something for you if that makes any sense... Those few days after you passed were some of the hardest but also some of the best for us we grew as a couple, we grew as a family and I grew closer with the lord. I pray everyday that you are happy and safe and that we are living the right way to make you proud. We love you Kael!!!

Dont forget you can link up here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/. Also Prayers this week for Lisa as she has said goodbye to her son a few months ago and now her husband and also prayer requests for my little family as we are pushing foward to new possibilities as a family.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Meet and Greet with the Jazz

On Monday night we had a little family night and got to go the Energy Solutions to meet the Jazz Team. Since we are season tickets holders it was just a event for us (and the other season ticket holders). It was so cool being up close and personal with the Jazz players and coaches. They were so gracious for 2 hours to sign autographs and take pictures. The boys thought it was SUPER COOL!! What a night of memories for us. I am so glad we were able to go!! We got to meet Al Jefferson, Raja Bell, Josh Howard and Coach Corbin, Paul Milsap, Coach Lowe, Enes Kanter, Alec Burks and Coach Hornacek. Gordon Hayward, Coach Sanders, Devin Harris, C.J. Miles, Derrick Favors, Coach Layden, Jamal Tinsley, Earl Watson and Jeremy Evans. The boys couldnt get over how tall the players were. Landon even got a bit intimidated when they would talk to him it was so funny! Jaja Bell took a special liking to Landon and told him he reminded him of his own son. It was a awesome night. I love building memories like these!!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Walking with You.... Meeting you!!

I was 34 weeks pregnant when you decided to join this world. It was about midnight when the contractions set in close and hard. I knew it was time and I was scared to death!! Daddy and I headed to the hospital while grandma stayed home with the your brothers. When we got there I was already dilated to a 4 almost 5 it wouldn't be long until you arrived. Not knowing what we were up against they brought in the NICU team and got it all set up. I got the epidural and only5 hours and 2 pushes later you were born. When they pulled you out all I could think of was is he ok. I yelled it out to daddy as he was now over at the table where they had you. I wanted to know what was going on.. They placed you on my belly long enough for one kiss, weighed you and whisked you away to the NICU. You were perfect to perfect for this world you were born right at 6 am weighed exactly 6 lbs and were 18 inches long. Daddy came over to my side again and held me as I cried. The doctors had to bring you back to life while you were over on that table and daddy had to watch it all... I had no idea that had happened until daddy told me that when you came out you were crying but because your lungs weren't good they didn't work the way they should and the doctors fought hard to keep you alive. Shortly after you were born Grandma Rushworth and Aunt Lonnie arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me up to the room. It was a while before they allowed me to go to the NICU but when I finally got to see and hold you, you melted my heart. Even though you were full of tubes, under a oxygen bubble and had ivs in your head i loved every inch of you. I remember being so scared to touch in afraid that I would hurt you but the nurses assured me that I should touch you, hold you it would be in your best interest and so I did. While we held you we met Doctor Kerri. He had come down from the Children's Hospital to give his analysis of what we were up against. The diagnosis was vague as lots of tests needed to be done but lots of names were thrown out there and Dr. Kerri assured us he would be with us along this road the whole time.  I remember that night I sent daddy home with your brothers... I didn't want them scared and being alone. When he left I cried and cried.. how it this happening to us why you and what could I do to make your life easier. I never wanted you in pain or to suffer. You spent 4 weeks at the hospital you were born at then they transferred you to the Children's Hospital. The original hospital had been so good but didn't have the tools necessary to help you. You spent so much time at the Children's Hospital. Most of your time was spent there. It was hard juggling work, your brothers and coming to see you but we didn't miss a day. Dad and I would trade off in the mornings and nights. Your grandparents came often and so did your aunts and uncles. Daxton and Stefon loved to visit and couldn't wait to bring you home.Wed bring you clothes to wear, blankets to use and your brothers always wanted to bring you toys. We went through many surgeries, lots of meetings with doctors, planning for the what ifs and what your future might bring. Those noises in the NICU I can still hear. The nurses and doctors I still see their faces. I memorized the halls and all of the medical terms. I was determined to bring you home whatever it took.  We got to bring you home on 4 occasions the 1st stay was way to short only 1 night and you had to go back due to pneumonia. The second time you stayed home about 3 days, the 3rd time it was one week and the 4th time it was 3 amazing weeks. We tried to do everything possible with you not knowing how long you would be able to stay. We blessed you in our church, got your pictures done professionally, took walks, played in the grass, gave you bathes, sang songs, played toys read books rocked for endless hours, swung you in the swing, gave you your meds and your feeds multiple times a day  and tried anything we could possibly do to make your life comfortable. Your little brothers were so good to get me wash rags to keep you cool, hold your tube while I put your feeds in. They'd read to you and play peek a boo they loved you so much!!  Lots of nights it was just you daddy and I up. Wed take turns holding you, talking to you and soaking your perfect presence in. You had a special spirit about you that was for sure!! The night before you passed away we took you to a BYU football game. You did so well for the whole game, you didn't fuss, we took tons of pictures, you met the players it was a night well never forget. Those 5 months 3 weeks we had together we will hold forever in our hearts!! You changed us for the better. You gave us a new kind of love a new kind of patience a new understanding!! What I wouldn't give to have more time with you!! I love you so much Kael and miss you more than words can say!!

Don't forget it you want to link up here is the page. http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Do you believe in signs???

This past weekend Layne and I headed to Oregon for his companies annual banquet. On the way there he and I sat next to this sweet young college girl. She was very quiet and didn't say two peeps to us almost the whole way there. All of the sudden about 20 mins before we were supposed to land she nudged me and said... "I don't meant to bother you but look out the window its a rainbow." now why do I think this is a sign... the whole ride there I was thinking of Kael. I'm not sure what it is but when we fly I think of him. I don't know if its because I feel closer to heaven or what but my mind always wanders to him... so long story short. I wonder if Kael sent me that little rainbow. It came right at the right time. Timing that's just to good to be true. Maybe I'm a bit crazy but id love to think it was a sign. The weekend was a fun one. Lots of yummy food ate, business meeting, watching the niners win their playoff game and being with friends, dressing up nice,  dancing the night away and a good nights sleep was just the little break we needed. What a great weekend it was indeed.

Mommy son Date.

On Tuesday night just the boys and I headed to the Jazz game for a little date night. We had so much FUN!! The boys seriously love the Jazz so much even little Landon yells out "Defense" with his hands over his mouth and go Jazz go. Stefon and Daxton are getting to know all of the vocabulary and know about points. fouls, out of bounds etc. They know how to read the score board and see whose winning and loosing. Their little minds surprise me daily! We had a fun night the Jazz played the Clippers and won (smoked them really :) . A Jazz game wouldn't be a true game with out treats so the boys choose Dippin Dots, popcorn and soda. One of their favorite things is the Jazz Bear hes so funny to watch and then when the Jazz win the confetti that pops from the ceiling they think its amazing and have to collect some to bring home. It was such  a fun little date night. I sure love hanging out with the kiddos and building fun memories with them.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Walking with you......... WAITING!!

This is week two of the Walking with You series is about the waiting period... after we found out about Kael the not knowing was the hardest part!! We had multiple follow up appointments, stress tests, ultrasounds, an amniocenteses, lots of waiting, praying and trying to be patient... I learned alot about patience during this time. I prayed harder than I ever had, pleaded with god. I promised him that I would do whatever it took for this little boy. I prayed that his life would be a good one and that he wouldn't have to deal with much pain. I googled so many things! Every time they mentioned something it might be I would look it up and try to understand what we were up against and how I could best prepare for my new little boy coming soon. I read for hours, looking for people with similar stories, trying to find out what we could do to make his life the best it could be. Hours of worries, fears, what ifs planning out our new lives. We talked for hours on what we would do Layne and I grew more than I ever thought possible in the following 14 weeks. We prayed, begged pleaded with the lord to help us make the right decisions to let us know what we needed to do for the little life growing inside of me. We wanted to make all the best decisions possible and bring this little life into the world knowing we would do our best and fight for his little life. Those were some of the longest nights, longest weeks ever. With lots of praying though I felt comfort in knowing we were doing all that we could and that the lord would help us to make the decisions we would need to make.

*Prayer asks for this week... please pray for little Tripps family who are making the hardest decisions of their lives right now. Little Tripp returned to heaven and is out of his pain now. I hope you all have a blessed week. I'm excited to read more on each of your stories. Don't forget the blog link is http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/

Thursday, January 12, 2012


For Christmas we got the Xbox with the Kinect it is so much fun!! We have had such a fun time as a family playing games and dancing away. The best part is on the Kinect games no remotes so no batteries HOORAY!! Last Saturday my brother Zack and his family came over for playoff football games, tons of food and the Kinect. We had so much fun dancing away and spending time together. Seriosuly such a blast!! You have to try it if you havent. Its fun plus a work out so a win/win situation!! Dont mind us in these dancing pictures but their to fun not to share!!

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