Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Around here lately.

Lots of fun things going on, lots of family time and precious memories built. I sure love my family! Here's a little description of the pictures.

1. Landon loves to lay, ride, hug smother the dogs.. they are so good to let him do it!
2 & 3.  My niece Macy gave my sister and I a make over didn't she do a great job :)
4. Uncle Richard came for 3 & a half days we had lots of fun playing, going out to eat, catching up, visiting with grandma lots of family time.
5. Cousin Koda came for his surgery on his head we had lots of time playing with him prior to the surgery
6. Contests on the XBox boy do the kids get competitive its so funny to watch!!
7. The kids are off track so they love to have sleep overs in the play room together
8. Story time. We have been reading lots and lots of books together
9. Missing this little guy... my heart hurts I miss him sooo much! This morning I have that knot in my stomach you know the one you get when you are missing someone.. I know its been a long time but boy do I miss him. I wish I could snuggle him in his frog jammies, sing him a song and rock in the glider the night away...We sure love this little guy and think of him all of the time!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Walking with You- Sibling Grief

When Kael was born he was sick and in the NICU being 6 weeks early. Daxton and Stefon weren't able to meet him right away. It was about 3 weeks after he was born the NICU that the hospital allowed Daxton in to see Kael. The boys could see him from the window but due to the season weren't allowed in very often. When Kael was transported to Primary Children's they were able to visit much more often. We would take them up once sometimes twice a week. They loved to visit and bring toys to Kael. They would talk to him so sweetly, hold his hand rub his head and talk to him. The morning that Kael passed away we were at home. Before the mortuary came to pick up Kael we brought the boys in the room, it was early morning and the police men were still there so they were confused and not quite sure. We explained to them as simply as we could that Kael had gotten more sick and had gone back to heaven so that he could feel better and that we wouldn't have him at our house or the hospital any more. They each held him for a short period of time before we had to say goodbye. We weren't sure how involved to have the boys be seeing as they were only 2 1/2 and 3 1/2. So when we went to make funeral plans and dress Kael etc they stayed home with grandma. At the funeral before we closed the casket each of them and Layne and I picked one special thing to be buried with him. We let each boy place it in, kiss him one last time and say their final good byes. Even at the viewing though Daxton was protective of Kael he stood by his casket just looking over his brother for the longest time. After the funeral we would go visit the cemetery often. They boys like to pick out things to take for their brother, they love to get balloons and write messages or draw pictures and let them fly to heaven. They love to decorate for holidays and are such great helpers for Kaels celebrations for his birthday and his angel day. They talk about heaven often and tell me things they think Kael would like now that hes in heaven and feeling better. They talk about when we will get to be with kael again. After Kael passed away while I was pregnant with Landon they were scared, they were sure since Kael had passed away that their new little brother would also pass away. They asked me how long Landon was going to be with us. Even after he was born and healthy they would still ask the questions. I still get questions sometime 2 years later about how long Landon will get to be with us before we go to heaven. I find that they find the oddest times to talk about Kael and heaven. They talk about it in the car when I'm driving down the street least expecting it, when I go to tuck them into bed they talk about heaven and how they miss their brother. Now that they are a bit older they ask about Kaels medical conditions and why he had to die. .Ive learned to answer their questions even though its hard, its their way of learning and grieving. I love that they aren't scared to say Kaels name and that they never forget him. At the store theyll see something they just have to get for baby Kael. About 6 months after Kael passed away Daxton my oldest was having a really hard time, he couldn't sleep well and he woke often so scared. He had been potty trained for 2 years but started having accidents. I took him to the pediatrician and she said it was his way of grieving his brother. She got us into a place called the Sharing Place which was a group for young children who had lost siblings or parents. What a life line they were. Group was 2 times a month and we went for 2 years. Daxton both years Stefon 1 year. They not only taught the boys so much but the really helped me to. It was nice for the kids to be around other kids who knew the same pain and same loss so they didn't feel so alone and out of place. They helped with coping, grieving and family. They did great activities and always talked about the one who was missing. We are still affiliated with them and help sponsor a charity race for their foundation even though we no longer go there. I learned quickly grieving is harder on little kids that you think it will be. Its a long hard path, one that we live every day. One that you learn to cope with and deal with so that when you have those hard questions you can answer them the best of your ability. All I can say is let your children ask the questions, let them tell you how they feel and never under estimate their pain or feelings. I sure have learned alot and continue to learn every day! Dont forget if youd like to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Walking with you- Ripples of Marriage

With Kaels condition Layne and I had to make many decisions before Kael even passed away. Ill never forget the drive home from the hospital one night and discussing the heart wrenching decisions that we had made earlier that day with the pillative care team at Primary Childrens. When Kael was born right away it was a whirl wind for us but I knew after he was born and whisked away when Layne came over to me to hold me and we cried together we would be ok. Now of course woman and men grieve differently so after Kael passed away sometimes it was tough... I couldnt stop talking about it and sometimes it was to hard for Layne. Layne was able to talk at Kaels funeral but it was to hard for me. We both helped dress Kael at the funeral home and we sat on the couch holding him together crying for over a hour together. The best thing we could do was be there for each other. As time went on at night we would hold each other and cry till we both fell asleep. Layne started feeling like he needed to be the strong one for us so he reserved his feelings much more than I was able. I didnt want to step on his toes even though for the longest time it bothered me that he couldnt talk about Kael like I could I quickly found out through other grieving mothers that it was very common and to not worry. Layne expressed several times that he thinks of Kael often but that he doesnt need to talk about it. Once I got over that I was just grateful that Layne was and still is so supportive of the things I want to do to  keep Kaels memory alive. We remember him together and grieve him in the ways we feel best. But one thing is for sure we both know we love and miss Kael and we will always work together to honor him. Loosing a child can for sure be a strain on your marriage but with hard work and acceptance of the way each other need to grieve it can work. Sometimes talking to someone else can help to if you need to talk and your partner can not. Friends come in very handy during this time. The most important thing I can say is keep your communication open always and try to be understanding of how the other person needs to grieve. We were not perfect by any means but we did learn and I can say grew a ton.We continue to work daily at this grief thing and  I am sure we have much more growing to do. Dont forget when times seem the hardest dont forget to lean on the lord he will  help you. And when it feels like hes not there dont give up on him he will help to carry you. Dont forget if you want to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

Friday, February 17, 2012

Another angel gone to soon.


Sweet Caleb's family will say goodbye today for the last time here on earth. All though for sweet Caleb he is going to a happier place where he will be all healed for us here on earth it is a very hard and sad thing. Caleb's sweet family took amazing care for him over the past 7 years. When the doctors told his family he'd never live to see 1 years old they took him home and promised to take the best care of him they could and that they did. He lived 7 amazing years with a family that provided him unconditional love. Seriously this family AMAZES me. I pray for them as they go through this very hard time and have to travel down this grief road now. I hope they are able to feel Caleb near today. I have seen this music video a few times and could listen to the lyrics over and over. Its a beautiful song and truly has touched my heart. It makes me think of Kael. Not a Day goes by that I don't think of you. I found it fitting for Caleb's family today as well. All my prayers and love go to this sweet family. If you'd like to visit Caleb's family you can do so here  http://winkfromheaven.blogspot.com/. I'm sure they could really use your prayers today!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Love Day...

Yesterday was lots of fun!! The boys had their Valentine parties at school. I was the head room mom in Stefons class and his party turned out lots of fun. Its so fun to watch the little kids at their school parties.  Layne and I decided this year we we rent going out on the night of Valentines because it gets soooo busy so we went to dinner a few nights before and had our date night and decided on a family night last night. We were all spoiled with lots of gifts (especially the boys they have so many people who love them us, both their grandmas, 3 of their aunts, their extra grandma Carlene and cousins seriously it looked like a mini birthday or something like that its so fun to see them happy and excited though!!). We decided to do a heart themed dinner so we made heart pizzas, heart jello jigglers, strawberries, red punch and red, white and pink cupcakes for dinner. We had  a heart plates and tablecloths and we had a cheers moment requested by Daxton :). Such a cute kid. It was so fun all of us being together with the ones we love the most and once the boys went to bed Layne and I having a quiet evening together. I'm so blessed to have so many loving people in my life. I thought all day about how lucky I am to have so many people love me. I thought of Kael of course and what it would be like for him to join our Valentines dinner. With him it would have been perfect. We of course decorated his grave last week so he could be in on the Valentine festivities. I hope your Valentines Day was filled with love and family!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Walking With You- The sea of grief

The first few months seemed like a endless blur. I didn't know who to talk to, where to turn for support or how I should even act. I remember not being able to eat or sleep all I could think about was how could this be my reality.. how could this be my life and what could I do to bring my baby back. I was in such shock I wasn't sure how to act I threw myself into auto pilot. I didn't want my older 2 boys to suffer or be impacted more than they already had been so I went on living like everything was ok. I took them to preschool, I only took 1 week off of work before I headed back, we went to family parties the only thing I couldn't do was go to baby showers. That was the one thing that totally sent me over the edge. Layne and I couldn't bear to look at Kaels things just then so we boxed it all up and took it down to the room downstairs that would have been his and closed the door. People would ask me how I was doing all I could say was fine. When no one was looking I would cry my eyes out. Layne and I cried to each other, held each other tight he was the only one I felt like I could actually cry in front of. It wasn't until about a year later that I found out about blogs what a wonderful thing it has turned out to be. Ill never forget some of the things people said to me. Like "lets not let this impact us for a long time." or " at least its not as bad as my friend her son just died in a car accident he was 19 just ready to go on his mission that would be much harder." or "I don't know what would be worse loosing a baby or a child you have known and seen grow up for a long time." If you hear these things or stuff like it I am so sorry!! People really are trying to be comforting but sometimes what they say hurts much worse then helps at all. The best advice I can give is grieve the way that feels right for you. Don't let people tell you how to grieve, how long you should grieve or if you are grieving the wrong way. No one knows unless they have walked a day in your shoes. Every ones grief is different and its all ok. Its doing the best you know how until you can sort through it and learn to cope. I remember talking to the lord. Sometimes I would beg, plead cry for things to be different. Sometimes I would just plead with him to hold my baby tight, kiss him and let him know how much I loved and missed him. I couldnt always feel the lord near but that was my doing I pushed him away. But I always knew he was there and that he was listening when I was ready. I would cry in the shower hoping no one would hear. I would listen to Kaels songs it all helped to ease the pain if only just a little. If you are a grieving mom don't feel bad asking for  help, reaching out, talking to those who might understand if only just a little. It sure helped to be able to talk about him.

Praying for each of you on this grief walk I hope that you can find some peace if only just a tiny ounce. Don't forget if you want to link up you can do so here. http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/

Friday, February 10, 2012

Super Bowl 2012

This year we weren't super excited about the match up and almost didn't have a party because of Layne's surgery but Daxton begged us to so we gave in and did :). It turned out really fun and Layne was pretty comfortable the whole time!! We had over about 8 friends and us so we kept it smaller than normal but it was a blast. We brought 2 tv's into the front room so we could play games on the xbox on one and watch the super bowl on the other. We had a blast playing football, wrestling and just dance for a few hours and then were pretty tired by the end so we turned football on both tv's. We were glad the giants won they were our preferred pick over the Patriots and of course we had to have lots of yummy food!! We made cookies, had meatball sandwiches, little smokies with bacon, crab salad, chicken salad, veggie tray, chips and dip, crackers with cheese and salami it was all super yummy!! It was a night spent with family, friends and fun!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Behind the Name.

This week in walking with you we talk about names. We thought long and hard about Kaels name. There were 2 reasons we picked it.. the first one the meaning behind it is Kael means mighty warrior and David means true friend. The second meaning was that Kael was the name of one of our favorite BYU players (his was spelled a little different) and David is my dads name. We liked to keep the middle names with the boys so they have a family name to carry on. The name Kael could not have been better picked though. You fought for your life like a warrior, you were so strong and so special to us. You beat milestones the doctors weren't sure you'd ever be able to do. Grandpa sure liked that we named you after him. You 2 had a special bond and he would visit and hold you and rock you often. You brought out the gentler side of grandpa :). You 2 were for sure friends as well as everyone who came in contact with you. You had this sweet little smile that melted each of the nurses hearts and all of your doctors loved you to. You were all of our very best friends and we are so glad that we got to have you in our lives! You blessed us and taught us so much. You still continue to!! Its fun to go back and think on the fun amazing things we did together and about the time when we picked your name. It could not have been better planned! If I have any advice to all you sweet mommies out there about to have babies think long and hard about the name. Look at the meanings and think about what you would like your child remembered for. I still love hearing Kaels name and mention when ever I can. I also love it when other BLM'S write his name in special places. I have a whole gallery ot this and each and everyone holds a special place in my heart so thank you to all those that have written his name!! A name is a very important thing. If any of you need prayers id love to know. Ive started on my prayer list but am happy to add to it. Ill continue to pray for each and everyone of you. Reading your sweet stories has sure touched my life and my heart. And thank you all for your continued prayers for my sweet little family. Life is an amazing thing and I appreciator each and every one of you!! Don't forget if you want to link up you can do it here. I hope you have a blessed week. http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Doing good in his name...

I mentioned at the first of the year of the 4th of every month I wanted to serve someone else in honor of Kael. The 4th is the date of the month he passed away. Last month I donated a bunch of stuff to primary children's hospital and read some stories to some sick kiddos there. This month was a bit different let me paint the picture for you.... Yesterday Layne had to go in for a minor surgery.. (he is rebounding fairly well and doing pretty good so yay). While we were in the room waiting for him to get his meds to get started we couldn't help but over hear a younger boy in the hall. He kept running away from his parent saying "I'm outta here" and "I am not doing this". We saw him run by one time and I could tell he was autistic. I noticed he was wearing a Jazz shirt. I overheard the nurse asking him questions about the Jazz team and had he watched the game the night before. Between the nurse and his parents they couldn't get him side tracked. He was adamant he was not taking the meds they wanted him to and he was not having his procedure done. After about 4 times of this happening I looked over to Layne and said I really want to give him our Jazz tickets for tomorrow night. I figured Layne would be under the weather today and id rather be here to help him out. Layne said go ask his mom. I walked down the hall and found his mom and asked her if it would be ok if I offered the tickets to her son if it would help calm him down. With tears in her eyes she said I didn't need to do that but I was adamant I wanted to. She called this handsome young man over and I looked at him, I felt such a strong spirit about him and asked him if he liked the Jazz and would he like to go to the game. A big grin came across his face and he quickly said YES!! I asked him if he knew who the Jazz were playing and he said quickly the Lakers. He proceeded to tell me he loved the Jazz but also had a Kobe poster on his wall so the game was perfect. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and told him that the tickets were his if he would just listen to his mom and the nurse. He happily took them from me and drank his medicine down right away. They were able to get his procedure done with no other problems. The mom came up to me and thanked us 3 different times. She told us how they'd been in the day before trying for 4 hours to get it done and he wouldn't budge. His doctor came in to thank us and tell us what an amazing thing it was for  us to help him out. I didn't need the thanks though my heart was burning with happiness that I could bring a smile to this young mans face. So that was my good deed for the 4th of this month. I sure hope hes at the game tonight cheering loud as can be and loving every second of it. I would do it over again 1,000 times if I could. The feeling I had is one that I wish I could have every day!! Once they took Layne back in to surgery it was going to be about 2 1/2 hours. So since we were in Salt Lake anyways I took a little drive to a place called temple square. I went into the visitors center and took a walk to the top where there is this huge statue of Christ. Now im not the best church going person but I do believe there is a Christ and a heaven. I wanted to thank god for putting me in the right place at the right time that morning, pray that Layne's surgery went well and plead with him to hold Kael tight. Let him know how much I love and miss him and that I hope hes happy, healthy and safe. I miss him so much. The last few weeks have been very hard. Grief comes in such waves.. sometimes I can think of him and be happy, not have to worry about breaking down, having that knot in the back of my throat and stomach but still sometimes the grief is raw and real. I'm sure the ups and downs will be the rest of our lives. Its nice to know that theres sunshine though when those cloudy days are gone! I miss you like you cant believe Kael. I pray for you daily and plead that you know how much you are loved. Thank you for your love, example and heart. You taught mommy so much and made me such a better person. I love you to the moon and back sweet boy!!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Sleepless nights

With alot of things coming up here soon its left me tossing and turning. Mind spinning so fast I can hardly think straight and lots of processing. Many a times I will go to the boys rooms to check on them and watch them sleep they look so peaceful! Boy do I feel so lucky that I have them. They make me smile and remind me how lucky I am . Here are a few pictures I snapped of them sleeping cause they were to cute to resist. It cracks me up Daxton and Stefon share a room by choice and have their own beds but many a nights I can find them like this.. sharing a bed. They sure love each other and it melts my heart!!

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