Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Monday, November 7, 2011


The last shirt Kael wore

We took pictures in this outfit

One of my favs of Kaels

Frog jammies of course

Our superstar

Hero it fits so well

One of Kaels favorite blankets

So these past few weeks Ive been going through some serious anxiety with the boys. I'm not sure what it is... I guess I just see what can go wrong, remember what did go wrong and hope that it doesn't happen again. I had been doing much better not being so over protective, thinking positive, and just going with the flow but these past few weeks haunt me!! I have the need to check on the kids every night, most nights a few times a night, I check on Landon to make sure hes breathing, I just sit and stare and thank God that I have him! I go down to check on Daxton and Stefon thankful that they are here, how they  help me pull through so happy that they are the best of friends! I don't know whats come over me but its making me looney. I get these horrible thoughts and it takes all that's in me to push them away. I feel so crazy but know in time I'm sure it will ease up again. Ill go back to only once per night but in the mean time poor kids probably think im totally insane!! Have any of you gone through this phase in and out? Is it normal for it to come and go? I don't know!! On another note on Saturday we were going through the garage to get our Thanksgiving decorations out. We pulled out all of the bins and were going through them.. guess what we found. A bin that had a ton of Kaels clothes, blankets and bath towels. I had given them all to my sister shortly after Kael passed away as it was to hard to have right in hand, a friend of hers is working on making them all into blankets for Layne, the boys and I but I guess one of her bins got mixed up with ours when they moved in with us. It really took me back. I went through a few  and totally lost it. I decided it not the right time to go through them as it was a happy time with the kids decorating for the upcoming holiday. So this morning I decided to go through them. I took them out one by one, most of them never washed from the last time Kael had worn them. I held them remembered where we were when he wore them last, what we were doing, ah the memories flooded in! How sweet they are. I am glad that some of them came back. Its amazing what a little blanket, outfit or jammies can remind you of. I wish I could just lay in bed with them all day and reminisce. To much going on for that but the 45 mins I had this morning will have to tie me over.  I cant wait for these blankets to be done so that I can have the memories every day!! What a great sister I have to work on them for us. Anyways lots of things running through my head this may not all make sense but I had to get it out! My next post will be things I'm thankful for I promise... 


Alesha said...

Sometimes I get in the rut of thinking about all the bad that life has to offer. I mean once you have had it happen, you realize how real it is and how bad it hurts, and that it REALLY happens. And to you! I have to remind myself that I cant live in fear of all the "bad." Sometimes I do better than others. Prayers for you!

Anonymous said...

Miss Bridgette,
You don't know me, but I found you through blog surfing. First of all, my heartfelt sorrow and condolences go out to you with your dear son, Kael. I have tears running down my face because you are an answer to my prayer that I uttered just hours ago. I also have a child that died - Daisy - when she was only 17 months old (August 2010). Among other feelings, I have lots of heartache and anxiety when people ask me how many children I have. I will never discredit Daisy's life and the fact that she is still my daughter, even though she is on the other side of the veil! ;) But it is always painful because while I do have 2 children, only 1 is here with me. When I say "2 children, 1 living", or "2 children, but my daughter passed away" it is awkward and uncomfortable! Yesterday I picked up my son from school and one of the other moms asked this question, and I came home depressed and sad - not just because I miss Daisy, but because I want people to know I am still proud to be her mommy and that I love her so much! I prayed last night that the Lord would help me find a better way for me to answer this question so that I can validate Daisy's life and the role she has in our family. I clicked on your blog, and it was an answer to my prayer. On your banner, I LOVE how you say you have 4 children, 3 on earth, 1 in heaven. What a great way to explain your beautiful family! It was a concise, matter-of-fact statement about your family situation. It's a statement that, instead of invoking pity, tells people that Kael is still part of your family. No ambiguity.

The absolute truths of eternal families and of the sealing power of the Priesthood have become so REAL to me that they are tangible. I cannot deny the truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Even in my sorrow, I have witnessed the truth of the Savior's Great Plan of Happiness. Surely, I wish I could have learned these truths in an easier, less painful way, but that is not always how the Lord works. I know without a doubt I will see Daisy again. Death is but a temporary separation, but OH how painful that separation is.

Thank you again for your courage and wonderful example.

Anne Allen Hall

Jennie said...

I pray for peace daily. I am often anxious about my family's safety. I no longer feel immune to bad things. Before Teagan I believed that if I did things right, Heavenly Father will take care of me. And its not that He hasn't taken care of me, its that I now realize that just because I try to do what is right doesn't mean I am immune from life. So now I beg Heavenly Father to keep the rest of my family safe and pray for peace daily, sometimes hourly.
I'm glad your sister is making you a quilt and you were able to find those clothes and have some memories of your beautiful Kael.

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