Reminders that sting...

Well I'm back!!!! The cruise was awesome and camping was fun too!! More on that a little later as it will take me a few days to post. So onto the meaning of my post today... While on the cruise Layne got me a new wallet my old one was old, ugly and breaking so he figured it was time :). While I was clearing it out I came across a paper that's been in there for a long while now... I opened it up and realized what it was.. it was the paper we had filled out while working with the Rainbow Kids team up at Primary Children's with Kael. The Rainbow kids team is a team you work with when the length of your child is uncertain. You make plans for your child no parent should have to make.. you decide what meds you ll allow the doctors to use, if they should resuscitate should your child stop breathing, what preventative care you want to use, if you want a pulse order or not etc, etc, etc. I looked over what we had written down, did we make the best choices, did we try to hard to keep him here, did we not try hard enough.. why in the heck did we even have to make these choices? It was not a fun thing to find and remember... why in the world should any parent have to make these choices? Some days it just doesnt seem fair. Obviously life's not fair but some days its harder to swallow then others... Some days the missing is harder than other days today the missing is more.. wishing, dreaming trying to picture what it would be like with him here. Happy that hes not suffering any more and not having to deal with all of his pain but being a little selfish today wishing that I didn't have to go through all of mine. I know the boys are missing him to. They have been talking about him for the past few days.. asking about his sickness, talking about the things they did with him, talking about how cute he was and how they love him. I so wish I could also just take their pain away... take Layne's pain away and shield it all on my own... id rather it be me than them. Anyway this post it a little jumbled, all over the place and hard to follow I'm sure but I needed to clear my head.. the next few posts will be happy ones I promise... Pictures and all about the cruise. What a time we had.