A BLESSED LIFE!!!!

Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

BLACK HOLE!!!


Advance notice... this may be hard for some to read I really don't know all I do know is its how I'm feeling right now and have been for the last few days. I'm in this hole I'm not quite sure how to get out of... I'm tired of always pretending I'm ok, I'm tired of trying to accept this or even trying to pretend to figure out how. Truth hurts but this is the truth.. I'm not always ok, I still have a very hard time with the fact that I have a DEAD baby. Sometimes it feels like I'm being punched in the stomach when I face the hard facts. Nights like last night are HORRIBLE! I cried for 30 mins a bawling cant breath kind of cry, that knot in the back of your throat kind of cry the kind that scares the crap out of me. I haven't done this for a while and my sweet husband was kind enough to hold me while I did it. He didn't try to make it better he didn't say things I didn't want to hear her just let me cry. After 30 mins and it being past midnight I told him to get some sleep. He works early in the morning and I didn't want to keep him awake. I was up practically all night.. thinking and wishing and trying to imagine how it would have been if all of this didn't happen. What would our lives be like now. Trying to figure out why us, (why anyone in the BLM community for that matter), what did I do wrong, what should I have done different, did we make the right decisions, could we have done more my brain just wouldn't stop. Then I freak myself out and think crazy like what if there isn't anything after this... what if I don't see him again, why hasn't he visited my dreams lately?? AHHH I know it all sounds totally insane but its been my thinking process the last few days. It was amazing I had a dear sweet friend text me last night out of the blue to see how I was. I don't think she knows what that meant to me and how grateful I am to her. It helps to know that once in a while someone remembers. I hope she reads this and knows how grateful I am to her. I needed it more last night than in a long time. Now truth be told I do have good days to. More often than not Ive been accepting of this little world we live in and try to find peace in what I do have but these last few days have been pure awful and I had to get it off my chest. Sorry for those that don't understand or that think I should be over this but truth be told its very hard and not something you just move on from. I know why its so hard right now.. this is the time of year we actually got Kael home with us. He wasn't stuck in the hospital with a million machines and getting tests, and observed 24 hours a day. We had great memorable times with him which I will cherish forever. His 2nd angelversay is in just a few short weeks and I know that's whats dragging me down. I will continue to try and continue to be positive but for today I am sad and just don't want to pretend anymore!

11 comments:

JenJen said...

I had tears in my eyes while reading this and I'm so sorry...I sometimes think in a weird way how I'm *glad* that Lily left me so early because I can't imagine how much harder it would've been to let her go if I had seen her eyes or seen her smile...I think you are completely justified in a bawling episode and should do them without having to explain yourself ((HUGS))

The Johnson Crew said...

I hope you get through these next few weeks. Bawling always helps me feel better. I have heard from other angel parents that you never get over losing your baby, you just learn to keep going.
Lots of love

Heather said...

I know that kind of crying well. I'm so sorry you had a hard night last night....I guess those are unavoidable, but that doesn't make it any easier to know that. Many, many hugs!

Wendy said...

All I can say is "I know" and I am sorry. I hate it too! The longer our children are in heaven, the harder and deeper it hurts us...the longing for them doesn't grow smaller, it grows bigger! I miss my Ashley as well...more than ever! You are not alone. Looking for bluer skies along with you!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry. I doubt it will ever be easy but I hope that there will be more smiles in the near future. I have some really down days too. It has been a very hard 7 months with two losses too many. And people thinking you should be "over it" just makes it worse. I have some who think my blog is depressing me and I wrote a special entry just for them yesterday. *hugs* to you

Chad and Lux said...

I'm so sorry, after we stopped texting last night I did that very same thing, my poor husband stayed awake to try and calm me down too. And we both paid for it this morning when I had to get up with swollen and tired eyes. But thank YOU for last night. You help me too you know. I can't wait for next weekend hang in there (I know easier said than done) but I love you and you will see Kael again after this life, it's hard to believe but if you can hang on to that, then I can believe that there is also a life BEFORE this one and that my children are still waiting to come to my family. Just as yours are waiting for you to come be with them again after this life. You owe that to Kael to keep holding on and work back to being a whole family again. Right? I love you brig, and am here anytime, even after midnight when the husbands have to go to sleep. Love you hon!

peach said...

All of this is normal. SUCKS, but it's normal. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I HATED when people suggested this to me, but am glad I finally listened. Get some help. These are anxiety attacks. I know, I had them. Ask your doctor for Xanax just for these really hard times. It will help turn your mind off enough for you to calm down, breathe normally, and get some sleep. I am so so sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, much less sweet you. Hang in there and know there are many who love and support and pray for you even though they don't say it. Try to find comfort in this knowledge and in the knowledge that his is forever yours. ((hugs))

The Hammonds said...

Im so sorry you have to face this in your life. If anyone ever tells you to get over it just punch them in the face :-) How can someone ever get over losing a child. Im here for you if ever you need anything or need to talk!

Jen said...

I am behind of blog reading, so this comment is coming late, but I am so sorry. This time of year is rough on me too, like you, it was our 'healthy' time, before we knew she was sick. Its not ever going to be okay that they are gone, but I do know that if you cry like that *which I have many times, even as of late* it is needed, to unload, to not have to be 'okay' with the fact that you have a child that is not with you. I have no words of comfort other than the normal, I will pray for you(which I will!) I wish no one had to endure this sort of loss, I think its about too much for anyone..((hugs))

The Brady Bunch said...

Brig. I hope that you know how many people love you and are truly amazed everyday by you and Layne. You dont have to have it all together. The fact that you live everyday one day at a time is all that matters! I cant even imagine what you must be going through. Even though people say time heals all....sometimes it doesnt. Just remember that you have people around you who love you and are here for you anytime. My God bless you with peace! One day you WILL be with baby Kael again!

Chelsea said...

Brigey my long time amazing friend! I am not going to pretend that I know what you are going through. I can't imagine the pain and heartache in your sweet heart right now for Kael. I love you dearly and you are such a strong mom and wife!
Kael loves you dearly I can feel it I know he thinks of you as much as you think of him and misses you exponentially! You know there is a life after this one and he will be waiting for you with open arms for you to hold him and him to hold you again! I love you always. Chels

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