A BLESSED LIFE!!!!

Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Things people say....

This week in walking with you we are talking about the things people say. I'm not going to lie I was offended several times by people and appalled that they could say such things to a grieving mother. The problem was they thought... that they were helping you out, trying to comfort you often times it hurt.. sometimes it still hurts. Ill cant count how many times people said you have 2 other boys be happy about that, or hes in heaven now and no longer in pain, everything happens for a reason or God doesnt give us more than we can handle. At my sons funeral my brother in law said "lets not let this effect us for to long". Like really I should just get over it... I though easy for you to say you have both of your sons alive but I never did I always just swallowed it and then would cry when I was out of the situation. The wife of the brother in law said to me only a week and a half after Kael passed away a story Ill never forget, she was telling me about a friend in her neighborhood whose son had passed away in a car accident he was 19 and she proceeded to tell me how much harder that must be to lose a son she had for 19 years and when he was healthy and just ready to serve a mission in their church. I was blown away how could one persons lost child be "worse" than another. Granted Kael was sick and young but does that make it any easier? I think not... I was blown away I got out of her house as quickly as possible trying not to break down right there barely made it to my car and lost it. I bawled for 10 mins or more and then had to call Layne how dare his sister say something like that. I couldn't talk to either of them for a few weeks. I'm sure she thought she was helping but it made it so much worse. I have tried to forgive these people and remember they were only trying to be supportive but honestly people think about things before you say them. People to this day think that everything is ok. We've since had our rainbow baby and for some they think that takes all the pain away. As much as Landon puts a smile on my face the gap in my heart is still there. No baby can replace that no baby can heal that over it helps for sure don't get me wrong but it doesn't take away the pain. I still  miss Kael. I think of him everyday. I have his pictures on my phone, on my walls at home at my desk at work he will never be left out or go away. Its hard for those who have never lost a child to understand but all I can do it pray that they are gracious enough to allow me to grieve and that they are supportive. Some people I think have forgotten, most are scared to mention his name now. I know others think of him often and are very supportive for those people I am so thankful. I have a few good friends who are always there to listen and to let me vent, some family members are still great while others think that I should be over it by now, and I know my little family Layne and the boys will never forget, will always live with that missing piece and we will always remember Kael and do good in his name. We will never leave him out and we will always talk about him. If I had any advice try to talk to those who are supportive, try to keep a distance to those that hurt but most of all when you are ready forgive them if you can. I never told those who hurt me that they had done so and I had lots of resentment I still have some and am working on forgiving and being the better person. I just know I am so grateful for those that have stood by me. If you don't know what to say give them a hug, tell them you don't understand but you are there to listen, say your sorry, and never say you understand if you really don't.. its hard to understand if you haven't been there its even hard to understand if you have because everyone grieves differently! Don't forget to mention their child's name as a BLM my biggest fear is that Kael will be forgotten so please let them know that you do remember that their sweet child was real and that they did exist.  Don't forget if you'd like to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

9 comments:

Tesha said...

Your so right Bridgett, it hurts so much when people compare our pain. It makes me feel that they are dismissing it. Your are so brave to say what has hurt you--maybe it is because it just happened but I cant say specific word that have hurt me.
I am glad you are able to say those things openly. So many people have made my pain worse by what they say and no one will ever learn if their not educated. You are so right no one can replace the child that is gone. None of my children that I now have or future children can take his place. I told someone I had six kids today and they looked at me like I was crazy... They knew Jonathan had died. I like you will always honor his life always. You have done a great job at letting people know about him as I have said before. I see his sweet face all over the place! Thanks for sharing.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Your words are so true. My heart aches for the times when every grieving mom has to hear those words that cut to the heart...when at our weakest and most vulnerable. Salt in the wounds.

Wonderful advice at the end as well...you are right even for those who have walked this path, each loss is unique and everyone grieves differently. So true! Thanks for this post.

Love to you...

Amy Saville said...

Put very well. Just wondering what does BLM stand for? Sorry if that's a dumb question but I've never heard that reference before.

Tanada said...

I love you Brigette! I'm so sorry.....that is heartbreaking. I have heard this same thing from other friends who have lost children. I sometimes try not to say anything because I really don't ever want to say something to wound a mother in her time of loss (which is the rest of her life). My heart aches for you and I think of Kael daily....I love you girl and prayers are always said for mothers, and fathers, brothers and sisters of a child in heaven. Know that you are loved and supported by so many people and prayers.

Tana

Jennie said...

I really liked this post! After Teagan died, I was shocked at the things some people would say. There were many wonderful people who were and still are so supportive. But I still have problems forgiving the people who I felt were insensitive, even though I know they meant well. It is great advice to distance yourself from those people, no reason to make things worse for yourself. That Teagan will be forgotten is my greatest fear also and I want you to know that Kael will always be remembered by me also!

Jennifer Ross said...

I can not believe what your brother-in-law and his wife said to you! I'm glad that you were able to forgive, when you were ready too.

Thank you for opening your heart to us...

Ashley said...

Amazingly written, thanks for sharing.

I cannot believe the things that people say and yes, I agree, they THINK they are helping. I am so glad you have a rainbow baby BUT he definitely doesn't take away the pain of not having Kael here, I wish MORE people understood that.

Think of you often!

Holly said...

I hate that your pain was minimized. :( So many phrases people use are not helpful at all. ((hug))

Alesha said...

Oh the things people come up with. I am grateful I dont get offended easily because WOW sometimes I think "do you really think that is gonna make me feel better?"

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