Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Right Where I am Project: 2 years 8 months

I saw this on a few other blogs and just knew I had to join in. What a great way to be able to talk about how I feel and see where others are in their journey. This blog hop started at http://www.stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/ you should all join in so I can read along :).

So this post is meant to talk about my grief where I have come from and where I am today:

When I look back to that date Oct.4 2008 I can see how far I've come yet how far I still have to go. I remember the first few days after Kael passed away lots of people came over to show support, give their condolences, help with the other 2 boys and the funeral services and all I could do is sit on the couch and apologize for not knowing what to say. I felt as though I needed to say something but didn't have the words to say it. Ill never forget dressing Kael in his burial outfit..the same outfit we blessed him in. It was to much for me all I could muster was his little socks and shoes Layne had to do the rest. Trying to explain what was going on to Daxton and Stefon was a real challenge to. Trying to hold it together so they wouldst be scared but so that they could try and understand. Boy oh boy have I come a far way. I can smile again, I can laugh... I'm not the same person I was back then but then again I never really will be. I am ok with me lots of others arent so many of my relationships have changed but the real good ones stuck by me. Layne has been amazing through it all and I have a few friends and family members that allow me to talk about Kael when I need to, they listen when I'm having those bad days. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Kael. When I see a little boy in the grocery store that would be his age, when my friends are having their 3rd baby who is perfectly healthy, when my kids talk about him and how they miss him and what heaven must be like, late at night when I close my eyes and I picture him, who he was back then and who he'd be today constant reminders of what I am missing. The good news is though even though I think of him often, its not all bad memories, I think about all the great things we got to do while he was here, I think about him in heaven and how happy he must be with out any tubes or wires, I picture the day that we will unite again and how marvelous it'll be. I never would have thought 2 years ago that I could be happy when I thought of Kael but that's what time has given me. I don't have a break down every single day, I do still have those days, those moments when I think ill crush but they are much further in between and don't last as long. I wish like no other that others would talk about Kael, say his name so I know that he is remembered. Its one thing that I think ill always miss... others talking about him. People are good to remember if I bring it up but seldom do others mention his name. There are a few and for them I love them!! They bring me such joy. I am a better person than I was then, I forgive more, judge less and do my best to make someone else's day brighter every day!!

So in a nut shell I sure have come a far way, lots of room to still learn and grow but I can see the difference in the me that I am now and the me that I was 2 years 8 months ago. Sometimes its crazy to me that time still moves on but as it does Ill always have those memories, his pictures and the cemetery to visit and feel close.

Mommy loves you sweet boy. Thank you for all that you taught me and continue to teach me. I think of you daily and send you loves!! So now its your turn... where are you today? Please feel free to link up :)


still life angie said...

Remembering your Kael with you, and grateful that you shared right where you are. I feel like my grief and I change with the wind, before I realize it. Thank you for participating.

Hope's Mama said...

So sorry to hear of the loss of Kael. He's beautiful. I too remember apologising for not knowing what to say. It is funny how the bereaved often end up being the ones to offer comfort. Our stories are all so sad, that often we make people feel so awful when we talk about our babies, that we need to be the ones giving out the hugs.
Hugs to you, mama.

Maria said...



erica said...

I was so sorry to read about your Kael. He's an absolutely beautiful little boy. I often wish people would talk about Teddy to me, too. I'm grateful to you for sharing this post - you really have come a long way! Sending love.

Holly said...

Every time I see the pic of Kael on your blog it makes me smile. Such a sweet face ♥

Fireflyforever said...

Thank you for participating in Angie's project. We lost our third child, Emma, in October 08 too and now have a one year old so I could relate to such a lot of this, especially recognising how far I've come and how far there still is to go.

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