Do you ever have regrets.... I try not to but I do have some. Mostly my regrets are with Kael... I wish I would have videod him, so that I could see him moving his little arms, legs, head. All I have now of his movements are his ultrasound videos. I wish I would have allowed the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation take his pictures, before and after.. the hospital offered it to us when he was sick and in the NICU but because we were hoping for the best.. we thought he would live longer... we said no... I wish I would have been there more... with having to work still and having 2 munckins at home still it was hard to be at the hospital all of the time, I was there when they were doing surgeries, I would hold him hours before and after wishing before that everything went well and being thankful after that he made it through another surgery but I couldn't be there all of the time. Layne and I would switch off mornings and nights and then wed go on the weekends and take the boys to visit but we couldn't hold him every minute, we couldn't kiss him goodnight every night.. I wish I could have been better. While at home the boys and I would play with him, I took him out to see the sun, feel the grass and play feel the wind... I wish I would have done it more. I wish in the middle of the night I wouldn't have been so tired and that I would have held him longer after giving him his feeds through his g-tube but sometimes I would put him back in the crib right away... why didn't I hold him longer? Why didn't I read him more stories, why didn't I take more pictures, I wasted so much good time... I thought I was doing my best back then thinking wed have tomorrow to hold him, kiss him more and snuggle him tight but now I kick myself for not taking full advantage of what we had, the time we had why didn't I take just a few more minutes. I look back to the pictures of the night before he passed away.. how did I not know that he would die, right there in the crib next to us that night.. he looked pale but I didn't realize it then.. I was so happy he got to go to the BYU game with us and that we were all together as a family doing something we loved that I missed it... Why didn't I see those signs... could we have done something different... Ill never know... I wish I did but I don't. How I not wake up sooner to check on him? How did I not know the next morning at 4 am when I left to take my mom to the hospital and kissed him goodbye.. how did I not notice then? Why didn't something tell me not to go..... Layne says that everything happens for a reason... it was better that he was the one to find him gone rather than me but I feel horrible that he had to find him on his own.. Ill never forgive myself for that... I should have been there to hold him right away to take away Layne's pain but it took me 30 freaking minutes to get back home from the hospital once I got the news.. I flew like batman.. I was driving so stinking fast, I didn't care what it took. I was going to get there come hell or high water... so many regrets... how did I not know??? I love you baby boy!! I hope its as sunny in heaven as its been here lately. I hope your flying high, swimming, running free, eating yummy food, playing, laughing, and being care free. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you!!! Much love always to the moon and back!! Mommy xoxoxo
9 comments:
You did everything you could and I know he thinks your the most amazing mommy ever. He loves you just as much as you love him...xoxoxo
I didn't realize that you are LDS, so are we :)
Your son is just precious and honestly I think the memories are just as important, so writing them down like you have done is awesome because your kids can read back and see them and remember them when they are older.
Regrets are hard. There is always the "what ifs" that we put ourselves through. I think making peace with our regrets is part of the healing of our grief.
So many of the words you just said have been in the forefront of my mind so many times. Why didn't we take more pictures of Gage? We do have some videos, but not "enough". I too have regrets. Why didn't I notice he looked as bad as he did? So many questions with no answers. Sending you love, Mary
This is such a sweet post. Kael knows that you love him so much. Praying for you and thank you for all your sweet comments!!!
Brig- This post made me ache for you and want to cry. I can't pretend to understand your pain and suffering. What I do know is that you are an amazing Mother! You shouldn't guilt trip yourself into thinking his passing was somehow your fault.
Grief is heartbreaking and challenging. You'll probably miss him for the rest of your life. That is normal. Don't kick yourself for what you didn't do. Be thankful for what you did have and cherish his memory. You are amazing at that!
Oh Brigette, your sweet boy knows you did everything you could and still would be to this day if possible for you. I have my regrets as well, but I think we all do in some way or another. I regret not keeping Laken's blanket, not taking more pictures of her, not getting her handprints. I know mama, I regret so much too. I try not to think about it and when I do, like you, I kick myself so hard. I think had we done all of the things that we regret right now, we would still find something to have regret about. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of hugs. You're a wonderful mother!
I definitely have similar regrets. We were able to get NILMDTS to take photos, but we took so few of our own, and I wish we had taken more.
But, I think, even if we had done the things we wish we had done, it wouldn't have been enough. Nothing would ever be enough, and we would find something to regret anyway, as Melissa said. There is nothing easy about being a BLM.
xoxoxo
It's so easy to look back and wish and wonder and have those regrets. But you do the best that you can at the time. I'm sure every one of us wishes we would've done something differently.
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