Down....

Down.. this describes me for the past few days. Ive really been struggling. I try hard to keep my head above water and see all the good but sometimes my brain just needs a break and I crumble!! I think that when Kael passed away I worked so hard to make sure my kids didnt suffer more than they needed to that I didnt fully take care of me and now even though its almost been 3 years somedays I just need that... to cry, breakdown and weep like a little kid again. This past week has been hard on the kids to they will cry when I leave to go somewhere, their talking about Kael, asking lots of questions, hard ones that I do my best to anwser with out falling apart. They talk about the fun things we did with him and how much they miss him. I love that they arent scared to say his name and that they still remember their brother. In effort to give them some extra TLC which they needed and so did I, I took Thursday off work and had a mommy day. When Kael was sick we would go to the zoo with they boys and then head over to the hospital so they could visit their brother so thats what I decided to do with them. We headed up to the zoo about 10:30 and didnt head home until around 3:30. It was such a nice day and the zoo was not busy at all. It was so much fun we took as much time as we wanted at each exhibit. We rode the carousel which is always a hit and then rode the train 2 times :). We had lunch up there and then the boys played on the park for almost an hour. It was so fun to just be able to chat, talk about things they are learning and doing, how they are feeling and just be us. It was good for me to helped me clear my head, see how far these kids have come and to know that they still know HAPPY. I need to be more relentless like the kids dont let small things bother me and bring me down. Im working on that trying my best to be the best every single day!! Im trying hard and ill keep trying but the past few days have been hard. I reached out to a mommy that also lost a baby and she told me that 3 years is so small in the grief process, that it takes time and to give myself a break. It helped alot to hear these words I hope shes right. I will keep telling myself to just keep swimming, swimming, swimming and know that these hard days will lessen again and to not get down when I do have the hard days. Sorry this is just one jumbled mess but it helps to write it out sometimes. So in the end yes there are hard days, yes its ok and I will keep working through them. With out further ado a few pics from our zoo trip.