A BLESSED LIFE!!!!

Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

WHY????




Today I need to write I'm not sure why the last few days have been hard, I'm sure its because your birthday is soon approaching and I don't have my sweet little Kael to hold in my arms to love and sing Happy Birthday to and to plan a fun party for. Ive been having flash backs these past few days of the horrible events, I can see his sweet little face gasping for air , I see him in that tiny little hospital bed hooked up to all those machines fighting for his life and being so brave just so we can keep him a little longer, I feel him limp in my arms, pale as can be fighting the urge to just run away with him instead of handing him over to the sweet man from the mortuary, because if I could just run far enough and fast enough away this nightmare would all be gone and he'd be alive and wed be living happily as can be... The bad thing is I couldn't run away, I didn't have the option to be selfish any more, it wasn't meant to be... You were meant for bigger, better things than this crazy thing we call life. You fought so hard, you did all you could to make it possible for us to keep you as long as we did!! You were such a hero, such a fighter you set such a good example for me to try and live up to. You are amazing and I just wish I could see your face one more time, hold you one more time and sing you just one more lullaby or read you one more book. I love how you loved the music, you were always so calm when it would play. I love you and miss you so much my sweet boy!! Thanks for all that you have taught me and continue to teach me. You have made me want to be a better person... I love you to the moon and back and I hope you can feel that love. I'm sorry for those of you reading who think I should just be over this and that its been over 2 years... some days though to me it seems like its only been a blink of an eye... lots of days are good ones now I try the best I can but some days are hard and I just want to cry, scream and yell... I know its hard for some to understand. This is all over the place and I apologize for that but sometimes I just have to get things off my chest. Mommy loves you sweet boy!! Thanks for all you have taught me.. I hope that I can make you proud, daddy and I are working hard.. everyday to the moon and back much love!! Mommy

7 comments:

Tiffany said...

♥Kael♥

The Johnson Crew said...

I don't believe in ten years you will 'be over it' and that is okay. He is your son, part of your life, not something to 'get over'. And if anyone is thinking that they haven't lost a son. Lots of hugs
Gayle

Sherry said...

No apologies needed Brigette. Some days are just harder than others, and you get through them the same way you did the past two years...
Thinking of you and Kael with love. xoxo

Andrea said...

You are a wonderful mommy and you are blessed to have all the boys. he loves you and is waiting for you. He is smiling at you everyday no matter where you are. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. :) HUGS!

Ryan*Kendra*Kenz said...

You are so amazing Brig. You help me see that no matter how far down this road we are on, we have lost our baby. We are missing one of the links in our family and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. You have those bad days. You have those bad weeks. You have those bad moments for forever. Until you are with Kael again. You have taught me so much. You have helped me learn to grow, love and believe more than I ever have before. I love you to pieces. You and your sweet boys. I hate HATE that you know this pain. That you dont have him with you. That you have to live this life without him. There will never be a time in life you will be done mourning. I know its easy to say and hard to do but dont listen to others. You should feel however you feel. I think of Kael. I will never forget him. I will never stop saying his name. I will never stop praying for him. Thank you for being the mother you are. Thank you for being so strong. I am here anytime Brigette.

Holly said...

Much love to you and to your sweet Kael up in Heaven ♥

crystal said...

Its okay to cry and hurt. You have lost a part of you and nothing can ever change that. Don't worry about people thinking its crazy that you still hurt. No matter if its been 2 years or 20 years, that is your child, the one you carried for 9 months, the one you ate right for so he could get the nutrients he needed, the one you gave birth to, the one you held in your arms for 5 months and fed him, bathe him, and just loved him. Nothing can take away that pain. Tell them that until they have been through what you have then they don't need to say a word. I know from experience because I have my two boys now but they can't ever take the place of the baby I lost. I still think about my baby a lot. I often wonder if it was a boy or girl, or what he/she would look like now, but the thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day soon I am going to meet my baby when I get to Heaven. The book I am reading let me know that for sure and let me know that he/she will know me too. I can't wait until that day. So just stay strong and stay in the race because look at scriptures, The End Times are here. We are living in the last days and soon we will be going home. No more hurting or pain over losing our little ones. I hope this helps you. Praying for you!!!

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