A BLESSED LIFE!!!!

Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Flash Backs....


Man today and yesterday have been hard for me. I seem to be on this rollercoaster and most days its doable but today and yesterday have been hard. My head is spinning, I wanna crawl out of this hole and find that it was all a bad dream. I want to laugh at myself and say silly girl how could you have dreamed something so horrible but then I look around and see that its still real this is my life!! I had an amazing little boy who the lord thought he needed more than I did. I see these pictures in my head of that horrible morning and how awful I felt trying to dig inside of me and figure out what I had done wrong. What could I have done better. Why didnt I do this or could I have done that. My head spins and spins almost out of control... I see his sweet face, I feel him in my arms and picture whatd hed look like today. I needed to feel him today, I got down his memory box got out his little things he was so small. I held his hand braces in mine, read his poster from the hospital, looked at his little cap and the pictures of him and how to do his exercises to stretch him out and feel better, I looked through his picture book, went back and read his obituary I think Ive read it 3 times today. I read through the book from his funeral and watched his movie of his short little life that we played at the funeral. I cried and cried thank goodness my mom has my kids today. I don't like to break down when they are here. I have to be strong for them. I know that ill get out of this slump but today it seems extra thick of darkness. Why oh why do some days have to be so hard. I know that people say everything happens for a reason I wish I could figure this one out. He was to little we didn't have enough time with him.... I miss him so much. I hope your ok in heaven Kael. Mommy misses you so much and wishes you were here to hold and love. You mean the world to me little buddy. Even though we have fun days and happy times your still always on my mind. I hope I do enough to make you proud and I hope you playing in heaven with all your angel friends. I love you to the moon and back. Mommy

7 comments:

JenJen said...

We all have those days where it feels like "this can't be happening, this can't be my life..." Reality is so hard sometimes...

Huge ((HUGS))

littleharves said...

sweetheart these are days of release and are as important as the good days in being able to dredge our way forward through this thing called grief. personally i don't think that our baby's are born with problems and die for any good reason, what good reason could there possibly be? life can be random, and genetics even more so and very complex. the guilt is a natural part of grief also. and so is in time, acceptance, that nothing you did or didn't do caused this to happen. sending you loads of love and thinking of you and your beautiful kael xxx anne

Andrea said...

I am sorry that today was super hard. Sometimes you have to let yourself feel and break down. You have to give yourself permission to have those moments or it is really unhealthy for you. sending thoughts your way. HUGS!!!

Eliza said...

Oh Brigette, I wish I had just the right words to say but... I don't. I can't even imagine how utterly heartbreaking and soul wrenching it would be to lose a child, especially so young. One of my sisters and one of my brothers both have lost little ones under three months old, and that was difficult enough to experience as an aunt so I'm sending especially big {{{HUGS}}} your way today. I pray that love of our Savior brings peace to your heart, especially on the harder days when it hurts the most!

The Hammonds said...

Im sorry you have to carry that around with you. Im sorry you are in that situation to not have all your kids here with you. I know no words can help take away the pain but know I am here for you if there is ever anything I can do to help!

mommy lady said...

((HUGS)) I'm sorry you have to go through this, no one ever should have to feel this way.

Wendy said...

I just now read this post. I needed it today. I needed to see that I'm not walking this road alone...and that the things I do are "normal" for those of us. I hate that we have to do this! I wish we could see them just once more, but that wouldn't be enough...I want to wake up too! I burried my Ashley a year ago tomorrow. it is still unreal. I'm here...walking along the road beside you.

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