TEE-BALL

Well the boys started tee-ball this week and they are LOVING IT!! It is so much fun watching them hit the ball and play in the outfield. Daxton is doing great and even hitting with out the tee. Stefon hits very far but still uses the tee for now. They get so excited jumping up and down when then catch the ball and throw it to first base, and the look on their faces is priceless when they hit the ball so hard. I love being a mom and being able to allow my kids to play sports and being able to watch them learn and grow. Here are a few pictures from their first game. I'm sure more are to come in the next few weeks!!

BLACK HOLE!!!

Advance notice... this may be hard for some to read I really don't know all I do know is its how I'm feeling right now and have been for the last few days. I'm in this hole I'm not quite sure how to get out of... I'm tired of always pretending I'm ok, I'm tired of trying to accept this or even trying to pretend to figure out how. Truth hurts but this is the truth.. I'm not always ok, I still have a very hard time with the fact that I have a DEAD baby. Sometimes it feels like I'm being punched in the stomach when I face the hard facts. Nights like last night are HORRIBLE! I cried for 30 mins a bawling cant breath kind of cry, that knot in the back of your throat kind of cry the kind that scares the crap out of me. I haven't done this for a while and my sweet husband was kind enough to hold me while I did it. He didn't try to make it better he didn't say things I didn't want to hear her just let me cry. After 30 mins and it being past midnight I told him to get some sleep. He works early in the morning and I didn't want to keep him awake. I was up practically all night.. thinking and wishing and trying to imagine how it would have been if all of this didn't happen. What would our lives be like now. Trying to figure out why us, (why anyone in the BLM community for that matter), what did I do wrong, what should I have done different, did we make the right decisions, could we have done more my brain just wouldn't stop. Then I freak myself out and think crazy like what if there isn't anything after this... what if I don't see him again, why hasn't he visited my dreams lately?? AHHH I know it all sounds totally insane but its been my thinking process the last few days. It was amazing I had a dear sweet friend text me last night out of the blue to see how I was. I don't think she knows what that meant to me and how grateful I am to her. It helps to know that once in a while someone remembers. I hope she reads this and knows how grateful I am to her. I needed it more last night than in a long time. Now truth be told I do have good days to. More often than not Ive been accepting of this little world we live in and try to find peace in what I do have but these last few days have been pure awful and I had to get it off my chest. Sorry for those that don't understand or that think I should be over this but truth be told its very hard and not something you just move on from. I know why its so hard right now.. this is the time of year we actually got Kael home with us. He wasn't stuck in the hospital with a million machines and getting tests, and observed 24 hours a day. We had great memorable times with him which I will cherish forever. His 2nd angelversay is in just a few short weeks and I know that's whats dragging me down. I will continue to try and continue to be positive but for today I am sad and just don't want to pretend anymore!

Stefon started Preschool

Today Stefon started preschool today he was so excited. He picked out his backpack which of course was Buzz Light year his favorite right now he likes him so much that was his birthday party theme this year. Because hes such a grown up boy he wanted to walk to school like Daxton does. The preschool is about a mile away from our house but we trekked it anyway. It was a long walk but all 3 kids did great ( Stefon and his cousing Macy and friend Maddie they all go to school togeher). Stefon is so excited to be going to school with some old friends from last year and some new friends. Here's to a great preschool year! YAY

BYU!!

The first BYU game was on Saturday. We had a ball. Here are a few pictures from our fun day!! Cant wait until the next home game. We had so much fun and it turns out to be a great family day!! Go COUGARS

Days 29,30,31

So this is super late and im super sorry but here's the final 3 days!! YAHOO. Day 29 is of Slurpee's we love this and had to have lots this summer. The kids especially loved these ones because they were wrestling cups. Day 30 is of Landons first hair cut he had so much hair. He looks like such a big boy now. Day 31 our first family picture at the first BYU game this year. We totally LOVE BYU. We are obsessed. We have bought season tickets for the last 4 years and enjoy going down and watching the games. The boys already know the fight song and have for 2 years. We really have great time down there and look forward to the rest of the season.

Day 28!! Kael Pillows.

Look at these amazing pillows. My sister made them for me out of Kaels blankets and bath towels and put pictures of Kael and us on them. She made 1 for each of us Layne, I and each boy and gave them to us for Christmas the year Kael passed away. I hold these very dear to my heart. They mean so much to me. Shes working on making quilts out of his clothes also for each of us and I cant wait for them to be done. It helps me feel him a little bit more because their made out of his things that we used on him. Oh the memories. What I wouldn't give to have him here with us. I love that boy to pieces. He was so brave and strong and amazing and fought so hard to the end. He is my light and example. I strive to be as amazing as he was in his short little life. Sending much love up to heaven today.

Days 26 and 27

So Day 26 is of Daxtons school work. He was so proud yesterday to show me what he had done at school and that he did so well the teacher put a smiley face on his work. He is loving school. That makes me so happy!! I was worried about him hes so quiet and shy but hes doing great!! Day 27 is Landon this morning this is his new favorite trick.... to empty under the kitchen sink while I'm doing dishes etc. Hes so silly just loves getting into everything!!