Never taking one single breath for granted.... enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Monday, October 4, 2010

2 years in heaven....

Dear Kael,

I cant believe its been 2 years. Oh how I love and miss you. Where has the time gone? It cant really have been 2 years right... 2 years since I held you and kissed that sweet face. What I wouldn't give to see it one more time. Hug your body and hold and love on you forever. I will never forget 2 years ago today... I hate today like you couldn't believe. My stomach is sick and all I want to do is run and hide. We had no idea that you had gotten so much sicker and would leave us so soon. Ill never forget that morning. The night before you passed away we all went to the Utah state vs. BYU game. We didn't get home till about 12:30. My phone battery was dead so I put it on the charger. I kissed you goodnight and laid you in your bed for the evening. At 5:00am I woke up to take grandma to the hospital for her therapy treatment. I was so sleepy I grabbed my phone but didn't turn it on. We drove up to the U and when we got there the nurse told me that the police department was trying to get ahold of me. I had no clue what I was about to hear. I turned my phone on right away to call daddy... when he answered the phone he told me you were gone... he woke up to give you your morning feeds and that it was to late.. you were gone, you had passed away peacefully in your sleep sometime between 1 and 6 am. You didn't cry or struggle you were just gone. I couldn't believe what I had heard. He asked if he should send someone to come get me as he thought I wouldn't be able to drive. I told him no way in hell it would take double the time and he'd already been there alone to long. I felt so guilty.. why didn't I check you before I left, why the hell hadn't I turned my phone on how could I leave daddy to find you like that all alone. I guess I had no way to know but still I felt horrible and still do to this day. I should have been there with daddy when he found you. I ran to my car everything seemed black around me but I drove... I drove till I got home. When I got there a woman cop was outside she asked me who I was and when I told her shed asked me if I had heard the news. Of course I had I ran straight past her and inside to see my baby. He was still at home. On my bed cold as cold could be. Layne had dressed him and changed his diaper. I say him and froze I couldn't believe this was true. I grabbed on to Layne and then let loose... I started bawling I couldn't believe it was true. By then Laynes mom and sisters were there as well as my mom. There was still a male cop inside which I guess is normal when someone passes away at home. After Layne and I help each other for about 10 mins I sat on the bed and held you and cried and cried. Your face was so sweet. You looked so peaceful with out those oxygen tubes up your nose and that feeding tube sticking out your clothes. I held you for ever while daddy and I looked up the information for the mortuary. We called the people who are family friends and the sweet man came to the house to pick you up with out any fees. When he came that's when it hit. I couldn't take you outside to be with the man... daddy had to do it. I fell to the floor and crumbled. I wanted to send you with your car seat. Babies cant ride in cars with out them. Duh like it mattered now but that's all I kept saying. Layne assured me he was safe and buckled in the back of the car and that he'd be in good hands. He came back inside. We held each other for what seemed like forever. My inlaws took my other 2 boys who had been at home the whole time, say there baby bother no longer alive and holding him. Layne and I got ready to go down to the mortuary to make the plans.

To this day I still cant believe this is my reality. It just sucks and makes it hard to breath sometimes. I still cant fathom why this is real and how its real and some days how ill go on. Some days are good other days hell. But I'm trying to learn to live and breath again.

I'm sure Kael is up in heaven, safe and warm and no longer in need of those medical things. I hope he is warm and happy. I love him so much! I wish I could see him 1 more time. When the boys get out of school well go to the cemetery and release balloons. I hope he feels our love for him. He was one strong amazing little fighter. From day one he never gave up and he fought as long and as hard as he could. He taught me so much. I only hope to be able to live up to his example.

Happy 2 years in heaven. Mommy loves you sweet boy!!


Jill said...

Thinking of you and sending lots of love!! xxx

Heather said...

<3 Kael <3

Jen said...

oh this post makes me cry for you.. I thought of the car seat too when they came to take Ella, its just the mommy in us wanting to make sure they are always safe..saying a special prayer for you today and this week..((hugs))

Chad and Lux said...

Happy 2 years in Heaven!!! Thanks for the rain today, I loved it. It always makes me feel closer to Heaven when it rains. What a wonderful gift to let us know you are still around. Everyone down here misses you, even if they haven't yet met you. I look forward to that day.

Brig, Love you to pieces. Hang in there and let me know if you need anything.

Jessica said...

Happy 2 years in Heaven sweet Kael!! You are deeply missed and loved! Thinking of you today momma! Much love and (((hugs))) to you! <3

The Hammonds said...

Im sorry this is your reality. I wish you guys didnt have to go through this life without that swwet angel.

Ryan*Kendra*Kenz said...

I need to check on you more often. I find it hard sometimes- maybe because You say my words so closely. Brigette you are so amazing. Your Kael is sooo proud of you. You are surviving- raising his brothers and taking care of his Daddy. He is so very proud of you. Know how much I love you. I can only imagine Kenzie and Kael. The love and knowledge they have must be amazing. I wish I could take this all away. No one understands until your here. When I read you wanted him in his carseat, you sound like me. Im surprised I never thought that. But I thought and said other irrational things. You are his Mom and forever will be, how can you not want to protect him even after he has gone. I ache for you. I would love to go to Kaels grave sometime with you. We can send balloons and talk. I love you Brigette.

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