Walking with you...

Ive decided to do this link up with Sufficient Grace called Walking with you.. each Monday you write about something along the road with your baby loss journey. I'm doing this in hopes to help someone else out there, some one new to this cruel BL world, someone who is further on their journey and needing a little push, for me!! So that I can write out all of the details since I don't think I have ever fully written it out.  You can link you here. http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/. So week one is the beginning... when did you get the news, when did your whole experience of pregnancy change.. so here it goes.

At my 20 week ultrasound we received the news from my doctor somethings were off and not measuring quite right, they wanted me to go see a specialist to see what was going on, I had alot more amniotic fluid then I should have and they weren't sure why. We were in the process of moving from New Mexico to Utah and my hubby was in Utah looking for a home for us so I went to the appointment all on my own. They did the scan and then wanted to rescan it was the longest hour of my life or so it seemed at the time. The doctors came in and told me a few things, that the babies hands weren't forming right, all of the extra amnio fluid and what all of that might mean. They told me many things, different diseases and told me that I should get an amnio to test alot of things out. I didn't have it in me to call my hubby.. I was bawling so I dialed his number and the doctor explained it all... we decided that I would wait to get the amnio until we got to Utah so that he could be with me. The next 2 weeks took FOREVER!! I had never prayed so hard, pleaded with god to please make my baby ok. To give me some peace and to make it for the next 2 weeks. When I finally got back to Utah we got the amnio scheduled and completed they told us the results would take a few weeks and confirmed through their scan that something was for sure not normal. They also weren't sure they were throwing around alot of names and possibilities but couldn't put their finger on which disease for sure. All that they knew was they were pretty sure  it was a neuromuscular condition just not sure which family it would fall under. I finally got the call a few weeks later with the results. Lots of negatives and inconclusiveness's. They still didn't know which direction to go in and said we would just take it a day at a time until the baby was born and then go from their with new testing. They weren't sure when he would be born but knew for sure it would be early due to the fact that he wasn't swallowing the fluids well and that I was getting huge. The last few weeks of my pregnancy taught me so much.. to pray more often, never take things for granted, to be a little more patient. All we could do it sit around and wait.

Ill never forget that day in that ultrasound I was heart broken that my baby would have to live a hard life and possibly even a short life but I knew I wasn't alone. I kept praying to god and I could feel his love near.. that has been key on this road... praying, pleading and hoping for some understanding.