Walking with You.... Meeting you!!

I was 34 weeks pregnant when you decided to join this world. It was about midnight when the contractions set in close and hard. I knew it was time and I was scared to death!! Daddy and I headed to the hospital while grandma stayed home with the your brothers. When we got there I was already dilated to a 4 almost 5 it wouldn't be long until you arrived. Not knowing what we were up against they brought in the NICU team and got it all set up. I got the epidural and only5 hours and 2 pushes later you were born. When they pulled you out all I could think of was is he ok. I yelled it out to daddy as he was now over at the table where they had you. I wanted to know what was going on.. They placed you on my belly long enough for one kiss, weighed you and whisked you away to the NICU. You were perfect to perfect for this world you were born right at 6 am weighed exactly 6 lbs and were 18 inches long. Daddy came over to my side again and held me as I cried. The doctors had to bring you back to life while you were over on that table and daddy had to watch it all... I had no idea that had happened until daddy told me that when you came out you were crying but because your lungs weren't good they didn't work the way they should and the doctors fought hard to keep you alive. Shortly after you were born Grandma Rushworth and Aunt Lonnie arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me up to the room. It was a while before they allowed me to go to the NICU but when I finally got to see and hold you, you melted my heart. Even though you were full of tubes, under a oxygen bubble and had ivs in your head i loved every inch of you. I remember being so scared to touch in afraid that I would hurt you but the nurses assured me that I should touch you, hold you it would be in your best interest and so I did. While we held you we met Doctor Kerri. He had come down from the Children's Hospital to give his analysis of what we were up against. The diagnosis was vague as lots of tests needed to be done but lots of names were thrown out there and Dr. Kerri assured us he would be with us along this road the whole time.  I remember that night I sent daddy home with your brothers... I didn't want them scared and being alone. When he left I cried and cried.. how it this happening to us why you and what could I do to make your life easier. I never wanted you in pain or to suffer. You spent 4 weeks at the hospital you were born at then they transferred you to the Children's Hospital. The original hospital had been so good but didn't have the tools necessary to help you. You spent so much time at the Children's Hospital. Most of your time was spent there. It was hard juggling work, your brothers and coming to see you but we didn't miss a day. Dad and I would trade off in the mornings and nights. Your grandparents came often and so did your aunts and uncles. Daxton and Stefon loved to visit and couldn't wait to bring you home.Wed bring you clothes to wear, blankets to use and your brothers always wanted to bring you toys. We went through many surgeries, lots of meetings with doctors, planning for the what ifs and what your future might bring. Those noises in the NICU I can still hear. The nurses and doctors I still see their faces. I memorized the halls and all of the medical terms. I was determined to bring you home whatever it took.  We got to bring you home on 4 occasions the 1st stay was way to short only 1 night and you had to go back due to pneumonia. The second time you stayed home about 3 days, the 3rd time it was one week and the 4th time it was 3 amazing weeks. We tried to do everything possible with you not knowing how long you would be able to stay. We blessed you in our church, got your pictures done professionally, took walks, played in the grass, gave you bathes, sang songs, played toys read books rocked for endless hours, swung you in the swing, gave you your meds and your feeds multiple times a day  and tried anything we could possibly do to make your life comfortable. Your little brothers were so good to get me wash rags to keep you cool, hold your tube while I put your feeds in. They'd read to you and play peek a boo they loved you so much!!  Lots of nights it was just you daddy and I up. Wed take turns holding you, talking to you and soaking your perfect presence in. You had a special spirit about you that was for sure!! The night before you passed away we took you to a BYU football game. You did so well for the whole game, you didn't fuss, we took tons of pictures, you met the players it was a night well never forget. Those 5 months 3 weeks we had together we will hold forever in our hearts!! You changed us for the better. You gave us a new kind of love a new kind of patience a new understanding!! What I wouldn't give to have more time with you!! I love you so much Kael and miss you more than words can say!!

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