First of all let me say thanks to all of those that have helped me out this past week, the dark clouds are moving out, I am feeling much better and happier about life! I can see sunshine again and my heart is not as sad. Thanks for your patience and love!! I participated in this blog hop last year and really wanted to do it again! my original post last year is here .http://brigetterushworth.blogspot.com/2011/06/right-where-i-am-project-2-years-8.html. Here is the link to the blog where you can read many other stories as well.
http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.ca/2012/05/right-where-i-am-2012-three-years-two.html
So here I am, I am 3 years, 7 months, 15 days away from losing our sweet angel Kael. Looking back at my post from last year I think I have even made more progress. The only little set back I had was my miscarriage a few weeks back.. it threw me for a loop I hadn't felt for a long time. It left me wondering what I had done wrong and resurfaced alot of emotions. So I spent a few days... ok more like weeks in a spin tail but I am recovering now. I look at Kaels pictures and I think about how lucky we are to have had him here with us. The amazing things he taught us, the love that he gives and continues to give. I love when I can feel him near. I go much father now in between total melt downs and I can see the good things along with the not so fun things. I love seeing little reminders of him and how he blessed our sweet family. I still think of him every single day and miss him like crazy but I don't just feel sad things when I think of him. I love going through his picture book with the kids and talking about the sweet memories we have. I love teaching Landon our rainbow baby about his sweet older brother and I love that people still mention his name. I can never get tired of hearing his sweet name! I want to do better, be better and live a legacy in his name! I am so lucky to be his mommy and am proud to call him my own!! The pain is still there, the missing is still there but the gut wrenching, heart stabbing feelings are much father in between. Its nice to see more sunny days and not so many rainy ones! I am so grateful for kael and the example he set for us. He taught us to be braver, fight harder and to never give up!! Ill never forget these lessons! I love you Kael to the moon and back! We will never forget the fight you fought, the love you gave and the lessons you have taught us and continue to teach us!
Love always mommy!
Friday, May 25, 2012
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17 comments:
Beautifully written my friend. I am glad you are felling a little better. I love the idea of this being able to read where others are at. I will try to do a post and join in. Kael is a blessed boy to have you for a mama :)
Kael is beautiful, I love his name. 2008 was certainly a very difficult year, so many lovely babies lost.
Sorry to hear you had a miscarriage recently as well. Such a cruel world.
I loved reading your post today.
xo
You have such a beautiful family. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Kael, such a precious little boy.
I'm glad that you can talk about him with your boys and that you have those sweet memories to share with Kael's brothers.
I'm sorry to read that you recently miscarried, I also had a miscarriage after I lost my daughter and, like you, it did send me for a bit of a loop. It is so hard not to question what it is you did that was wrong even when we know, in our hearts, that we just tried our best and planned and loved.
Remembering your Kael with you, such a beloved little boy x
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing where you are.
I'm sorry to read of your recent miscarriage. It's so hard to be in that place of strong grief again.
Remembering Kael with you.
Sorry for your recent loss. I would imagine that would bring its own grief and every loss seems to open old wounds too. Glad you are feeling supported.
I'm glad things are looking better for ya. Those down days are nasty. I really liked your post and seeing how things have changed and evolved for you. It gives me hope. Big hugs!
I'm so sorry for your recent loss. I know what you are going through, our dates line up incredibly close--full term loss in 2008, and then my rainbow baby just turned two, then this last miscarriage at 12 weeks. It is a strange place. But I get your beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it and where you are.
May the sun shine bright and warm. Thank you for sharing. Remembering Kael.
I think of you often and pray that you continue to do better and better. Thank you for sharing this <3
Such a sweet boy... I think of your family often. So very sorry for your loss, and sorry too for your miscarriage and for being behind in reading as I had no clue that has happened to you :*( Grief is hard but I hope you continue to find more happy moments with less and less sad ones in between <3 thank you, as always, for sharing, I am blessed to "know" you <3
It's good to hear that it gets more manageable with time. He is a beautiful boy and oh, it is so hard when they lived a little life with us and then we have to go on without them. It's hard to learn to live without the worry for them and stop parenting that little person who existed an needed us.
It's such a relief to read blogs from Mothers who are further down the road than I am, and to learn that it does get better in time. It gives me hope. It's so hard to have a short time with your child, then have to let them go.. Your children are beautiful, all four of them. Thinking of you and Kael.
This is a good idea. It is nice to see where you were at, where you have been and where you are now. Thank you for sharing.
So much love to you and your family. I am so sorry about your miscarriage, that you have to go through this newer grief. I love how you remember your beautiful Kael with your children - the image of you looking through his photos is a very beautiful one.
Sending sunshiny thoughts your way!
I love this post. Thank-you for sharing with all of us.
Our timelines run closely too. My Emma died ten days after your Kael did and I think what you said about thinking about them not ONLY with sadness is so true. Of course, there is still such sadness but there is such love and joy in remembering them too.
I am sorry about your recent miscarriage too. It seems unfair that we don't all get a pass out of more loss after our babies died. Wishing you healing.
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