Memorial Day!

Oh what a lovely memorial day weekend we had. Layne surprised me with a little get away for the weekend as he knew id been having a hard time and we needed some alone time to chat and make some decisions for stuff coming up. It was lovely from Sat afternoon to Monday afternoon we went to a lovely hotel, hot tubed, swam, napped, talked went out to some YUMMY restaurants, and had lots of fun being together. Don't worry while we were away the kids had lots of fun and spoiling at grandmas house :). It was such a nice getaway, helped me see things  a bit more clear and helped us to make some decisions for our future. Monday when we picked up the kids we headed out to the cemetery to pay our respects to the military men. I taught the boys why we celebrate memorial day and why all the flags are in the cemetery. My grandpa served in the army and is buried right next to Kael so we payed him a visit to. Someone had left the cutest monkey on his grave to whomever you are if you read this blog it made my day!! It put a big grin on my face to know someone else remembered and thought of Kael. We put flowers on the grave and some windmills and visited for a while. When we were done we headed to lunch with the kiddos, to get Stefons bday party stuff and to the store for the boys to pick prizes since they had been good and grandmas. We were going to have a BBQ but Landon and Daxton have picked up colds from somewhere so we headed home to hang out as a family, play games, watch movies and of course wrestling :). We picked up yummy dinner and had a awesome family night. I am so grateful to all of the army men/women who have served, given their all and for the ones that continue to so that we can be free!! I feel ever grateful to them for the hard work and dedication. It was a neat moment to teach the kids what the true meaning of this holiday is and for them to "get it". Thank you to all of you!!!

Right Where I am... 3 years, 7 months and 15 days

First of all let me say thanks to all of those that have helped me out this past week, the dark clouds are moving out, I am feeling much better and happier about life! I can see sunshine again and my heart is not as sad. Thanks for your patience and love!! I participated in this blog hop last year and really wanted to do it again! my original post last year is here .http://brigetterushworth.blogspot.com/2011/06/right-where-i-am-project-2-years-8.html. Here is the link to the blog where you can read many other stories as well.
http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.ca/2012/05/right-where-i-am-2012-three-years-two.html

So here I am, I am 3 years, 7 months, 15 days away from losing our sweet angel Kael. Looking  back at my post from last year I think I have even made more progress. The only little set back I had was my miscarriage a few weeks back.. it threw me for a loop I hadn't felt for a long time. It left me wondering what I had done wrong and resurfaced alot of emotions. So I spent a few days... ok more like weeks in a spin tail but I am recovering now. I look at Kaels pictures and I think about how lucky we are to have had him here with us. The amazing things he taught us, the love that he gives and continues to give. I love when I can feel him near. I go much father now in between total melt downs and I can see the good things along with the not so fun things. I love seeing little reminders of him and how he blessed our sweet family. I still think of him every single day and miss him like crazy but I don't just feel sad things when I think of him. I love going through his picture book with the kids and talking about the sweet memories we have. I love teaching Landon our rainbow baby about his sweet older brother and I love that people still mention his name. I can never get tired of hearing his sweet name! I want to do better, be better and live a legacy in his name! I am so lucky to be his mommy and am proud to call him  my own!! The pain is still there, the missing is still there but the gut wrenching, heart stabbing feelings are much father in between. Its nice to see more sunny days and not so many rainy ones! I am so grateful for kael and the example he set for us. He taught us to be braver, fight harder and to never give up!! Ill never forget these lessons! I love you Kael to the moon and back! We will never forget the fight you fought, the love you gave and the lessons you have taught us and continue to teach us!

Love always mommy!

Lost

Have you ever felt lost, wondering why things are the way they are. Have you ever felt like you've been dealt enough and much more will break you? Have you ever questioned the things you have done in life and hoped you did them all right? Have you ever felt broken, confused and questioning? Yea that's been me the past few days. I'm not sure how I got in this slump and I really want to get out so if any of you have any ideas that would be WONDERFUL!! I came across this song and it rang so true to me! I am jealous of the angels that are with you right now. The missing is so great, the pain super raw the thoughts that are racing through my brain are insane. I sometimes wish I knew what I have done to get dealt these crappy cards and say I'M SORRY!! Now don't get me wrong I have plenty of great, amazing, wonderful things in my life and I wouldn't trade them all for anything I just wish sometimes it could be easier. That it wouldn't always be so tricky. I wonder how long I will feel this. My brain has been running through all the things in life I have been through so many hard times and trials yet at the same time so many great things as well. I do my best to slap on a happy face and act as though things are always perfect and just as they should be but sometimes I just need to give in to the fact that they aren't perfect and crappy things happen!! Tonight's one of those hard nights. Hopefully I will wake in the morning feeling much happier, more positive and better! If any one has any ideas throw them my way!! I hate this feeling. I have been trying to run it off, been running faster and harder than I ever have before I think I'm trying to run away from it all and it helps believe me it does it helps me to put things into perspective and to be more grateful!  I am hoping to run a 10k at the end of June! Here's to good running, hopefully a good night of sleep and a better tomorrow!

P.S. thanks for all the help with the videos it seems to have worked perfectly tonight! Dont forget to stop my play list before you play the video otherwise it sounds really silly :)

Daxton turns 7!!!

Holy smokes!! Where has the time gone? I cant believe that 7 years ago today I became a mom! Time sure has flown by!! I remember being pregnant with Daxton he was supposed to be born on my birthday that was his due date but he must not have wanted to share a birthday because he decided to stay in there 6 EXTRA DAYS!! I remember crying thinking he was never going to come lol... now Im begging him to stop growing!! He just laughs at me and tells me he likes growing up!! Daxton is so kind, his heart is bigger than most kids I know. He is always worried about everyone else and is so kind to everyone!! He is so smart and has learned so much in 1st grade this year. It amazes me how far he has come! He is funny, calm and the best biggest brother a little brother could ask for. Hes always helping his brothers and including them on everything! I was so lucky to get Daxton 1st he was such a good baby and so easy all the time. He potty trained by the time he was 18 months old and has always been so easy going!! I love this kid so much and am so lucky he is mine!! On Friday Daxton had his party. He invited lots of friends, cousins, grandparents, aunt and uncles this house was one full house! Daxton has so many people who love and adore him! He decided he wanted a Mario party so that's what we did. We decorated in red and blue, had Mario invitations, Mario party boxes for the guests a Mario cake and a Mario and a Luigi pinata! The party was so much fun!! Daxton invited his cousins who came to sleep over as well which was lots of fun!! Saturday after all the kids had gone home we dropped Stefon and Landon off at grandam's and took Daxton on his special birthday date. Daxton picked to go to Fat Cats where we played glow in the dark mini-golf, bowled and played arcades. Daxton won at golf, I won at bowling, Layne beat Daxton at air hockey and Dax kicked my butt at air hockey. The 3 of us won 987 tickets so Dax was able to get lots of prizes! Then we headed to Walmart where Daxton picked a prize. He picked a Mario and Luigi game for his DS. It was such a fun afternoon! Once we were done we went and picked the other kids up and went to Bountiful to meet up with my dad for dinner. He took us to Applesbees which was super yummy!! It was a awesome day. Today Layne left for a week long training in California for his work so im letting Daxton lead the way for what we do, so far we've jumped on the trampoline, watched movies, played squinkies and beyblades I cant wait to see whats next :). I love birthdays for my kids and love to make them special. I hope he feels as special on his birthday as I did the day he was born. I feel extra special to be his mom!! Happy birthday Daxton! I love you to the moon and back and am so happy that you picked us to be your family!!

Soccer Studs

Spring season is over!! The kids on our soccer team this round picked their names to be the blue devils! They had a undefeated seanson they  were 8-0!! I couldnt be prouder. Daxton scored goals in every single game and Stefon did about half of the games plus had a whole bunch of assists!! They are getting so fast and more defensive on the ball and are really learning the skills of the game. It is such a joy to watch them excel at something that they really love!! Im so happy that they are able to be in stuff like this to help them learn and grow in so many ways! They are amazing little boys and I am ever grateful that they are mine every single day!! They cant wait for summer season to start up!

BIRTHDAYS!!

May is a busy month for us in regards to birthdays. Laynes was on Sunday mine was yesterday and Daxs will be this next Sunday! Needless to say we have lots of celebrating going on around here!!

Laynes birthday was a mixture of bday plus mothers day. He was such a good sport! He is so loving and giving and wants to make sure everyone else is taken care of first. Layne turned the big 34 this year!! He tells me he is getting old but I would have to disagree!! Hes still very much young and awesome daddy!! He works super hard to make sure that we are all taken good care of!!

My birthday was a great day I cant believe I am 28!!  Spent all day with the kiddos until Layne got off of work and then we had family time! Stefon and I went on a little date because he had his Kindergarten testing that he had to do yesterday. He aced the test so he picked to go to Arctic Circle for lunch and then to the dollar store to get some prizes! He loves the dollar store!! When Layne got home he brought home sushi which is my favorite and my friend brought over an ice cream cake!! It was super cute in the shape of a purse!

All in all both bdays were great. Its crazy we are one year older!! Heres to another great year!!! Now on to planning for Daxtons big party :0)

Mothers Day....

Mothers Day is a tricky one for me.... I am lucky enough to have 3 little boys running around, loving on me and filling my day full of love but its a bit sad for me also. The one little boy who is missing oh how I wish he were here to... also this mothers day I would have been blissfully pregnant but plans weren't what we had imagined and so I wasn't. Its a balancing act trying to be super happy so the ones that are here aren't sad I slap on my happy face, and do my best to enjoy the day with one missing its a bit harder. I know Kael wouldn't want me to be sad either so I take extra special care to ensure I soak up the kiddos that are here and snuggle them an extra lot!  The boys and Layne are so sweet though they went out of their way to make my day!!! Layne picked up a second job about  a week ago to get us some extra money so we can pay some little things off before we buy our home so that we have less debt so he had to work yesterday morning but he made the morning oh so sweet before he left. When the boys woke up they were SO excited to give me their gifts they had made at school. Oh how those little gifts made my day. Stefon wrote the cutest note at school... some of the sentences were jumbled but I cant tell you how much my heart swelled. Dax gave me a plant  in a pot that he painted and wrote a simple note it made me smile so big and Layne gave me a bunch of new picture frames for my desk at work so I can update woo hoo I was so happy!!  We spent the day playing games, riding bikes and playing with sidewalk chalk. My mom came over to spend some time with us. I laid Landon down for a nap and Dax and I headed to the cemetery to have a mothers day visit with Kael. Daxton and I had a lovely time he sent Kael a balloon, we took a windmill and he and I had the best little chat while we were there. Daxton remembers every little detail of Kael. We talked about when he was alive, when he was sick, when he passed away and about the funeral. It amazes me the things he still remembers. I love that we were able to have that time together and chat. I think its just what he and I needed.  When Layne got off we headed over to his moms house for dinner and dessert and some time with the family. We stayed a while then headed home for some just us family time. Layne got the movie we bought a zoo and we watched it as a family and had snacks. We all loved the movie and had a blast spending time together. It was a lovely day. I am so grateful that I have the chance to be a mommy. Each of my kiddos have taught me so much and helped me to grow and become better. I am forever grateful to heavenly father that he trusted me enough to give me these sweet boys and that I get to be there mom!! I spent lots of time reflecting yesterday on all of the blessings that I have!! There is no better job in the world than being a mom!

Liebster Blog Award

I have been awarded the Liebster blog award from my blogging friend, Ashley. Liebster is German for up and coming. I was so excited to see that she had picked me. I dont know that I ft the shoes for up and coming but I sure love to blog so this award really made my day!!  Ashley lost her baby boy, Beckett, to SIDS and has helped me cope with some of my grief as well. She is always so kind and gives love and support whenever she can!!



Rules:

1. Choose five up and coming blogs to give the award to. Must have less than 200 followers.
2. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
3. Post the award on your blog.
4. List the blogs you gave the award to with links to their sites. Leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have received the award.
5. Share five random facts about yourself.

My 5 nominees:

1. Jennie- Jennie blogs at http://spicyspicers.blogspot.com/. She lost her sweet Teagen and has really been a support to me. She writes so beautifully and has a great insight!

2. Shauna- Shauna blogs at www.pinwheelsfromheaven.blogspot.com She is so kind and makes pinwheels for babies that have gone to soon. She never forgets a important date!

3. Angela- Angela writes at www.angelarodman.blogspot.com I have been following her for sometime now she lost her sweet Charlotte and has great insight and is not afraid to share her grief.

4. Amy- Amy blogs at www.myinfernaljournal.blogspot.com I have been following her for a while now and love reading and following her journey.

5. Jamie- Jamie blogs at http://jaimehomh.blogspot.com/ she is a strong sweet woman who I have been blog stalking for a while now.

Each of these ladies I love and adore!

5 random facts!!
1. I love to have things organized when they arent I am a crazy woman!!
2. I have started running. Its been really good for me and I cant wait to get better at it!
3. Im dying to go to Hawaii someday. It looks beautiful there. Id love to snorkle, and layout on the beach and wish all my worries away!
4. We are still house hunting. Trying to decide to build, buy a old home etc. Its a big, big decision. I am super picky about the schools my kids will go to so that puts some limitations on where we live :)
5. I love being a mommy especially in the summer time. I could spend all day jumping on the tramplone, drawing with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles.. whatever it is I sure love summer!!

Thanks Ashley for this nomination this has been lots of fun!! Hugs

Blessings

http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ

I am linking up today with Tesha who I love and adore. She is so kind and such a inspiration. Her link to her blog is to the right of mine Tesha's Treasures feel free to link up to. Ive been listening to this song (the one linked at the top) quite a bit lately, taking in the words and praying the they are true. With all the crummy things this last week has brought it sort of set me for a set back but yesterday I decided to put my big girl panties on and try to see the positive. I have so many things to be grateful for!! I can at least get pregnant, I have 4 beautiful children. 3 that I love on every day and 1 that I love in my heart. I have a great support system so many family and friends that will drop at the hat to do anything for me!! I have a great job with great benefits. My husband who is great he has done everything for me and the kids especially this last week when I wasnt very useful!! Yesterday my cute little brother came to my work to surprise me with my 2 favorite things to say he was thinking of me Diet coke and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Hes turning into quite the young man! I have all my BLM's and blog readers who are always loving and supportive regardless of what I have to say. I got my Molly Bear in the mail the day I miscarried last week. How amazing timing is that? It feels so amazing to hug my 12 lb bear which is how much Kael weighed when he passed away. It fills my arms so well!! So even though life is tricky sometimes and throws curve balls that no one wants thrown its important to look past all the bad and think of all the good!! I figure bad things come in 3's right so hopefully well get a break now. I went through my miscarriage last week, the next day my 2 year old got his hand smashed in a door and fractured his ring finger and pinkie, then yesterday my oldest got bit by a spider and it totally got infected we spent the night at the kids care getting the infection popped out and getting the right antibiotics. It was there that I decided its time to focus on the positive and focus less on the negative. I cant wait for good things to come in our future. So many decisions to make, so many exciting things coming up I will rely on the lord and Kael to look over us, protect us and steer us to make the right decisions. Its hard when your making BIG decisions but I know with the lord on our side anything is possible!!

P.S. Can one of you lovely blog readers teach me how to post videos, links etc without the link showing up and just the video itself posting to my blog? Id love you FOREVER!!

Another Loss....

This wasn't the post I had expected nor wanted to write... I was hoping a few weeks down the road to surprise everyone with a happy were expecting post little to my dismay plans don't ever seem to go quite as planned. The day after Kaels birthday Layne and I discovered I was expecting.We were so excited as we had been planning for this for a while now! I couldn't stop thinking it would be a great way to make that part of April not such a hard time in our lives. We of course immediately start making plans and looking up dates etc. This little one would be expected to join our family on or around Dec. 19th how perfect a Christmas present. We decided we would wait to tell our families for a while to be sure that things went smooth and surprise them on Mothers Day. Things seemed to be going smooth I wasn't puking my guts out like I usually do when I'm pregnant it was smooth sailing or so I thought. I had lots of other symptoms so I figured things were ok. Apparently God had other plans and decided to let this little one only stay for 7 weeks. I hit the 7 week mark yesterday when I started spotting. I called the doctor and they said some can be normal but it can also mean miscarriage he was booked so I had to wait for an appointment today things got worse over night and I knew before I even went in that it was over. The doctor confirmed it and we talked for a while about things to watch for, how common miscarriages are and when to start trying again. This loss is different yet still a loss. To all you BLM's out there who have gone through this multiple times I have the up most respect for you... you are AMAZING. This is not only emotionally hard but physically hard as well. The second I find out I'm pregnant I connect with the little baby growing inside of me. I'm sure that's the case with most moms. I have so much love, have so many hopes, wishes and dreams for the little baby. I'm not sure why these things happen but I can only hope and pray it is for good reasons... I'm sad, broken down and once again relying on Layne to be my rock. He is amazing and for that I am thankful. I had hoped miscarriage was one statistic I wouldn't be a part of but alas I am. So Ill try not to be to sad and upset and once again pick my heart up off the floor and just hope and pray that sometime in the near future we are able to get pregnant again with a healthy little baby.

Not Sure What to Say

Do you ever have that feeling that you need to write have a million things running through  your head then sit down to write but nothing comes out? Yea that's totally me today! So much is going on my head is jumbled and I'm not sure where to start. I sometimes feel like I say the same things over and over again I'm sure people get tired of  hearing the same things over and over again so Ill spare you today. All I ask is that if you have a few spare moments send a prayer our way. We are in the midst of changes.. some super exciting things coming up, scary at the same time so many emotions, trying to sort it all out and make it real is tough sometimes... Just send a little prayer our way that all will go well and turn out as it should. I will share sometime soon but I want to make sure things are calm first :0). I did want to share a link http://smallbirdstudios.com/ go visit this website. The mommy here is amazing she herself has been through the loss of her daughter so small, sweet and making huge impacts on the world. She soon is starting a magazine for parents who have gone through losses, she designs blogs and is really such a sweet, kind lady. She is doing some AMAZING giveaways this week so pay her a little visit! I am linking up today with the sweet Tesha! Her link is on the right side of my blog if you'd also like to link up! Hoping you all have a wonderful Tuesday!!