Walking with You- Sibling Grief

When Kael was born he was sick and in the NICU being 6 weeks early. Daxton and Stefon weren't able to meet him right away. It was about 3 weeks after he was born the NICU that the hospital allowed Daxton in to see Kael. The boys could see him from the window but due to the season weren't allowed in very often. When Kael was transported to Primary Children's they were able to visit much more often. We would take them up once sometimes twice a week. They loved to visit and bring toys to Kael. They would talk to him so sweetly, hold his hand rub his head and talk to him. The morning that Kael passed away we were at home. Before the mortuary came to pick up Kael we brought the boys in the room, it was early morning and the police men were still there so they were confused and not quite sure. We explained to them as simply as we could that Kael had gotten more sick and had gone back to heaven so that he could feel better and that we wouldn't have him at our house or the hospital any more. They each held him for a short period of time before we had to say goodbye. We weren't sure how involved to have the boys be seeing as they were only 2 1/2 and 3 1/2. So when we went to make funeral plans and dress Kael etc they stayed home with grandma. At the funeral before we closed the casket each of them and Layne and I picked one special thing to be buried with him. We let each boy place it in, kiss him one last time and say their final good byes. Even at the viewing though Daxton was protective of Kael he stood by his casket just looking over his brother for the longest time. After the funeral we would go visit the cemetery often. They boys like to pick out things to take for their brother, they love to get balloons and write messages or draw pictures and let them fly to heaven. They love to decorate for holidays and are such great helpers for Kaels celebrations for his birthday and his angel day. They talk about heaven often and tell me things they think Kael would like now that hes in heaven and feeling better. They talk about when we will get to be with kael again. After Kael passed away while I was pregnant with Landon they were scared, they were sure since Kael had passed away that their new little brother would also pass away. They asked me how long Landon was going to be with us. Even after he was born and healthy they would still ask the questions. I still get questions sometime 2 years later about how long Landon will get to be with us before we go to heaven. I find that they find the oddest times to talk about Kael and heaven. They talk about it in the car when I'm driving down the street least expecting it, when I go to tuck them into bed they talk about heaven and how they miss their brother. Now that they are a bit older they ask about Kaels medical conditions and why he had to die. .Ive learned to answer their questions even though its hard, its their way of learning and grieving. I love that they aren't scared to say Kaels name and that they never forget him. At the store theyll see something they just have to get for baby Kael. About 6 months after Kael passed away Daxton my oldest was having a really hard time, he couldn't sleep well and he woke often so scared. He had been potty trained for 2 years but started having accidents. I took him to the pediatrician and she said it was his way of grieving his brother. She got us into a place called the Sharing Place which was a group for young children who had lost siblings or parents. What a life line they were. Group was 2 times a month and we went for 2 years. Daxton both years Stefon 1 year. They not only taught the boys so much but the really helped me to. It was nice for the kids to be around other kids who knew the same pain and same loss so they didn't feel so alone and out of place. They helped with coping, grieving and family. They did great activities and always talked about the one who was missing. We are still affiliated with them and help sponsor a charity race for their foundation even though we no longer go there. I learned quickly grieving is harder on little kids that you think it will be. Its a long hard path, one that we live every day. One that you learn to cope with and deal with so that when you have those hard questions you can answer them the best of your ability. All I can say is let your children ask the questions, let them tell you how they feel and never under estimate their pain or feelings. I sure have learned alot and continue to learn every day! Dont forget if youd like to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/