The first few months seemed like a endless blur. I didn't know who to talk to, where to turn for support or how I should even act. I remember not being able to eat or sleep all I could think about was how could this be my reality.. how could this be my life and what could I do to bring my baby back. I was in such shock I wasn't sure how to act I threw myself into auto pilot. I didn't want my older 2 boys to suffer or be impacted more than they already had been so I went on living like everything was ok. I took them to preschool, I only took 1 week off of work before I headed back, we went to family parties the only thing I couldn't do was go to baby showers. That was the one thing that totally sent me over the edge. Layne and I couldn't bear to look at Kaels things just then so we boxed it all up and took it down to the room downstairs that would have been his and closed the door. People would ask me how I was doing all I could say was fine. When no one was looking I would cry my eyes out. Layne and I cried to each other, held each other tight he was the only one I felt like I could actually cry in front of. It wasn't until about a year later that I found out about blogs what a wonderful thing it has turned out to be. Ill never forget some of the things people said to me. Like "lets not let this impact us for a long time." or " at least its not as bad as my friend her son just died in a car accident he was 19 just ready to go on his mission that would be much harder." or "I don't know what would be worse loosing a baby or a child you have known and seen grow up for a long time." If you hear these things or stuff like it I am so sorry!! People really are trying to be comforting but sometimes what they say hurts much worse then helps at all. The best advice I can give is grieve the way that feels right for you. Don't let people tell you how to grieve, how long you should grieve or if you are grieving the wrong way. No one knows unless they have walked a day in your shoes. Every ones grief is different and its all ok. Its doing the best you know how until you can sort through it and learn to cope. I remember talking to the lord. Sometimes I would beg, plead cry for things to be different. Sometimes I would just plead with him to hold my baby tight, kiss him and let him know how much I loved and missed him. I couldnt always feel the lord near but that was my doing I pushed him away. But I always knew he was there and that he was listening when I was ready. I would cry in the shower hoping no one would hear. I would listen to Kaels songs it all helped to ease the pain if only just a little. If you are a grieving mom don't feel bad asking for help, reaching out, talking to those who might understand if only just a little. It sure helped to be able to talk about him.
Praying for each of you on this grief walk I hope that you can find some peace if only just a tiny ounce. Don't forget if you want to link up you can do so here. http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/
Monday, February 13, 2012
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6 comments:
It is very true that people grieve differently, but there are also a lot of similarities. I remember when my mother-in-law said that she thought it would have been harder if Teagan would have lived longer. That made me want to cry, because she had no idea how I longed for one day with her. After I asked her if it was easier to lose a 3 yr old than a 5 yr old because you had 2 less years with them, she changed her mind. You are a strong person! Hugs!
Thank you for opening your heart! I understand everything you said!
These posts just don't seem to get easier to read. Thank you for sharing your moments after loosing Kael and how you have delt with your grief.
Love to you...
It would be so hard to see his things and I understand why you boxed them up. ((hug)) I would often cry by myself and listened to Carleigh's songs to feel closer to her too.
Oh the things people say. I take it with a grain of salt and try to be happy there are even acknowledging that something HUGE happened. This is so not fun though. I hate always wishing that he was here and missing him and wondering what our event would be like with him here. Even the little things like going to the pool tonight. I thought whether he would like it or hate it and what his cute little body would look like. ARG!
Your words are so true. I can so relate to all of what you shared, especially crying in the shower/bath. My mother always did her crying there, too. She told me that during my early days of grief. I think we mothers often have to go on auto pilot when there are other children to care for, and find a hiding place to let it out. Thank you for walking with us, and for sharing your heart. Love to you...and continued prayers...
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