Precious moments....

I'm always so glad when I capture precious moments. We've had a few lately and I am so glad for them. The other night I went to check on Dax and Stefon after id put them to bed.. I walked downstairs quietly to see if they were sleeping... I found Stefon in Daxtons bed and Daxton was reading him a story they were cuddled under a blanket it was so sweet.. I couldn't help but hide back and listen. It melts my heart they are so kind. At the end of last week and earlier this week the boys were all very sick!! Landon wanted to snuggle alot which doest happen so much any more I love when he cuddles just wish it was for a different reason :). Hes totally attached to this blanket of his that hes had since he was a baby. He has started dragging it EVERYWHERE I never had the other 2 do this but it puts a smile on my face he carries it around like its his best friend.. the trouble now it keeping it clean all of the time. He gets so sad if I have to wash it. The other night we were walking past Kaels shelf of things.. Landon said mommy that's baby Kael huh.. I said yes he asked to read his book. The other two boys wanted to read it also so they all climbed up on the couch and we read Kaels book together. Its so sweet to hear Daxton and Stefon tell Landon stories about their brother. They tell Landon all the stories and all about Kael. I love that they remember and that they aren't scared to talk about him. I am so grateful for my little family. All though its not like I pictured when I was a young girl it is my family and I wouldn't trade it for the world. All though my heart aches we still have plenty of fun, laughs, love and memories. Each of the boys hold pieces of my heart and each day we grow stronger, happier and more together. I am one lucky lady! Sometimes I just need to remind myself of this, take a step back and live in the moment. I sure love these precious moments!!

2 weeks....

How is it possible in 2 weeks you would be turning 4... yes that's right 4 years old. At times it seems to be going so quickly and other times not so much I cant believe its been that long. Looking back on the last 4 years so much has happened so much has changed. You brought so much love into our lives and taught us so much. When you left you took a part of my heart with you. Most days are good days but there are still those days that are so hard. Today is one of them. I get sad when I do things with or for your brothers I never got to do with you. Sometimes when I drop them off at school, or volunteer in their classes I get all choked up knowing I will never get to do that with you. When I'm helping Landon go to the potty or play a game or learn a new song even when he talks it breaks my heart knowing you didn't get to do those things. Don't get me wrong I love that they are all learning and growing and healthy as can be but knowing one is missing and that your missing out on all of these things its a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Every day I see your sweet face we have pictures all over the house, your smile melts my heart and seeing the ones with your older brothers makes me smile. They loved you so much and care so much about you still. They talk about you they miss you they ask lots of questions. You are often on their minds. Even Landon knows who you are. He knows your name, he points at your pictures all the time and says "baby Kael" and he asks to look at your picture book at least once a week. I hope you know we love you I hope you know we miss you and that we are so happy you are in our lives. You taught us so much and changed our lives so much! Sometimes its still a bit hard to wrap my brain around the fact this is really our lives, I took your picture down  few nights ago and held it wishing it was you I was holding. I went over each little detail of you. Your beautiful eyes, sweet hands and feet and your chubby little legs. I wish I could kiss them one more time and rub them down with lotion. One day we will be able to do all of those things. It seems so far away but I know that day will be AMAZING. Oh how I miss you please stay near by for the next few weeks, I need you I hope to feel you close and hope that you'll be in my dreams. I love you sweet boy and miss you like crazy!!

LUCKY..

St. Patricks this year was fun. The boys woke up to a scavenger hunt that the leprechaun left for them which at the end was a pot of gold and presents. We had a fun breakfast and then headed to the boys last soccer game of this season. They played so well and had a great season we ended 7 wins 2 losses. I love being their coach it is so fun and rewarding. After the game we had the trophy ceremony which is always fun! We came home cleaned a bit and got rested up for the Jazz game that night. We went out to dinner and then headed to the game.  The game was so much fun! They boys got free Jazz t-shirts and the Jazz won in over time such a close game!! Overall I would say a great day. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family and the ability to do such fun things with the kiddos. Building fun memories and being together is the best gift of all. We decorated Kaels grave together for the holiday. The boys love going out and picking special things to leave him. I feel so lucky to be his mom. Even though our time on earth was short he sure taught me alot and showed me how truly lucky I am. I love you sweet boy and hope you know you were missed and that we thought of you!! Big hugs and kisses sent your way!!

11 Things:

I have been tagged by one of the sweetest, kindest people I know Kendra here are the rules to this fun little tag:

Game Rules:1. post these rules.
2. post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
3. answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them
5. go to their blog/twitter and tell them you've tagged them

11 random things about me:

1. I love to sing, im not the greatest at it but boy do I love it!!
2. My family means the world to me I would do anything for any of them.
3. I LOVE girl scout cookies... we bought seriously 3 CASES of them this year... im trying to eat them in moderation so I dont gain a million pounds.

4. We recently bought a treadmill and Ipod that can hook in it so that we can start running at home... I really want to get fit and run in like a half marathon and some 5 k's this year wouldnt that be awesome?
5. Im a little bit obsessed when it comes to my kids clothes I am a major CONTROL FREAK about it. Im really not loving that my oldest thinks he knows whats "in style and not in style"lol guess I need to back off a bit.
6. I love watching the Biggest Looser seriously I cant get enough of the show and I usually end up bawling the whole show. I am the biggest sap these days :)
7. I love to go on long car drvies.. I love to turn the radio up loud and roll the windows down when it is nice outside. It really helps me clear my head.

8. I love that my kids love to color becuase I love to color... even though Im an adult now I still love to color
9. I am a little but OCD when it comes to my house. Everything has a special place and if something is out of place I go totally insane.
10. I like jewelry it can make or break an outfit so im always looking for just the right thing.
11. I cant wait for spring it is my favorite time of year. All though its a hard time of year its one of my most favorite.

11 Questions Kendra asked of me:

11 Questions for Brigette R. Allie A. Cindy M. Jessica I.1. Who is your favorite Celebrity?
I love Tim McGraw not only is he pretty cute I love his music as well2. What is your favorite Disney Movie?
I love most of them but I really loved Mulan3. What was your best vacation?
Our honeymoon to San Fransisco it was so much fun!4. If money was no issue what is the first thing you would purchase?
A beautiful big house that didnt need any fixing up
5. When was your first ever date? How did it go? How old were you?
My first date was when I was 16. We went bowling and for icecream it was with a few other couples and it was pretty fun. I like to bowl. 6. What is one rule you never thought you would have with your kids but you now have it?
ie: no eating in front of the tv?
Allowing kids to fall asleep to a movie.. I only let them do it once in a while but I swore I never would7. If you could only eat 1 thing for the next year what would that be?
hmmm id like to say girl scout cookies but if it was only one thing then id say fruit. I love fruit!8. Have you ever wished for a different name?
Never for a different name sometimes for a different spelling because most people get it wrong. 9. Name 3 things on your bucket list?
Go sky diving, make a tree for festival of trees, go to Hawaii10. If you had an extra hour in the day what would you do with it?
Play with my kids and hubby! It never feels like enough playing time. 11. What was your favorite TGIF show?
Full House! I loved that show and occasionally watch reruns :)


11 Questions for those I tag:

1. What is one thing you wish you could do but havent yet?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. What is one thing in life that you regret having done or not done?
5. What is your dream job?
6. What is your favorite season
7. How do you like to spend your free time?
8. Who do you wish you could meet?
9. If you could have only 1 thing in the world what would it be
10. Where is your dream vacation?
11. Who do you look up to the most?

I tag Tesha, Amy S., Jennie,  Ashley E, Mary and Alesha.

Stefons Lost his Tooth

Stefon lost his first tooth on Tuesday. He was sooooo excited. Since Daxton started loosing his teeth a few months back Stefon really wanted the tooth fairy to come visit him to. So on Tuesday night he had been wiggling and wiggling since his tooth had been loose for over a week and finally around 7:00pm it came out. You should have seen the smile on his face. He asked me to get his cell phone and take a picture and he sent it to everyone he knew even his grandma who doesn't know how to check her pictures it was to darn cute!  He was never so eager to go to be since he knew he had to be asleep before the tooth fairy came. In the morning he was still grinning ear to ear with his gifts and his money. He asked lots of questions on how can the tooth fairy be so sneaky. It was super cute. My little man is growing right up! I sure love that little boy with all of my heart.

Family Time

Last week Layne was gone to Connecticut all week for training so on Friday I spent all day having a mom and boys day. Saturday Layne was back so we did family activities all day until that night when we had a awesome double date night with a few friends. Friday I took the boys to the park and got slurpees, we went to the dollar store their favorite place of all places, they boys wanted to go decorate Kaels grave for St. Patricks Day so we did, we played games, jumped on the tramp and then since everyone was so tired ordered out from Chili's and got chocolate milk shakes. Saturday the boys had a soccer game which we all went to. I coach the boys team again and I couldn't be prouder the won 5 to 0. After the game we headed downtown to see Disney on Ice. It was Toy Story this year so of course the boys LOVED it, we got them prizes and snacks and had a awesome time. Watching their little faces light up make my day. Its the best feeling ever. After Disney on Ice we brought them home to the sitter and Layne and I headed out for date night. We met our friends at the gateway for yummy dinner, we walked around  a few of the shops and then headed to Starbucks. We started chatting away and before we knew it, it had been 3 hours and they were closing down. It was such a lovely night! I love weekends like this where we build memories and spend so much time with the ones that we love!!

Reuniting in heaven...

This week in walking with you we are talking about reuniting with our loved ones in heaven. Don't forget it you want to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/. I often think about this day how wonderful it will be. I try to picture what heaven is like and cant wait to see Kael there no tubes, no wires no pain and just scoop him up and hug him for hours on end. Then and only then will we never have to let go. We never have to say good bye and we can chat and fill each other in on the last how ever many years in our lives we have been apart. I try to picture heaven I hope that they have balloons and music and dancing and yummy food. I just know I look forward to no more pain, no more hurt. A friend put on her blog she wishes she knew how long it would be so she knew how much more time she would be with out her loved one. I so agree. How awesome would it be if you knew I have .... amount of time before we reunite again. I know it cant be that way and I know I have much more to learn about here on earth but I day dream about that precious day when I get to hold my little Kael again. Alot of BLM (baby loss moms) have told me about a book to read its called Heaven is for Real. I think Ive talked myself into getting it and reading it. It sounds amazing and may give me a better grip on what to expect. So in the near future ill be reading it and I will fill you all in. I pray that heaven is just as I expect and that Ill make it there. Like I've said before I'm not the best church going person and I should be much better but I still believe in god, I pray to him every single day most days multiple times a day. I picture Kael in his arms on his birthday or when hes sad or even when hes happy and it brings a smile to my face. The reunification in heaven I'm sure will be amazing. I just hope that I am doing enough to get there :). I try my best everyday to do everything in my power to  make sure I do. I have lots more to learn. More of myself to give, be a kinder person, be more grateful and forgiving. Each day I work harder and strive to be my best self! I thank god for all he has given us and just pray that he takes care of my precious Kael until I can do so.  All I know is when that day comes how ever far away it might be. I cant wait, I am so excited and so ready. Now don't get me wrong I don't ever take a day for granted here on earth. I treasure every moment and precious minute with my family, friends and loved ones down here and I wouldn't trade a minute but when we are all there together again as a family what a precious day that will be!!

Blanket Drive update.

Hey all!! Thanks so much for all the love and support so far with the blanket drive!! We are doing pretty good. We are at 136 blankets, 63 stuffed animals and 16 little hats for the babies in the NICU. If you'd like to still donate id love it!!! Last year I donated almost 400 blankets so id love to get a bunch more if possible!! I appreciate everyone that has helped and look forward to this being so successful again!! I will be collecting until April 11th and then taking them all up to Primary Children's on April 12th Kaels birthday. Please let me know if you have any questions! I appreciate each of you and thanks again!!

The Things people say....

This week in walking with you we are talking about the things people say. I'm not going to lie I was offended several times by people and appalled that they could say such things to a grieving mother. The problem was they thought... that they were helping you out, trying to comfort you often times it hurt.. sometimes it still hurts. Ill cant count how many times people said you have 2 other boys be happy about that, or hes in heaven now and no longer in pain, everything happens for a reason or God doesnt give us more than we can handle. At my sons funeral my brother in law said "lets not let this effect us for to long". Like really I should just get over it... I though easy for you to say you have both of your sons alive but I never did I always just swallowed it and then would cry when I was out of the situation. The wife of the brother in law said to me only a week and a half after Kael passed away a story Ill never forget, she was telling me about a friend in her neighborhood whose son had passed away in a car accident he was 19 and she proceeded to tell me how much harder that must be to lose a son she had for 19 years and when he was healthy and just ready to serve a mission in their church. I was blown away how could one persons lost child be "worse" than another. Granted Kael was sick and young but does that make it any easier? I think not... I was blown away I got out of her house as quickly as possible trying not to break down right there barely made it to my car and lost it. I bawled for 10 mins or more and then had to call Layne how dare his sister say something like that. I couldn't talk to either of them for a few weeks. I'm sure she thought she was helping but it made it so much worse. I have tried to forgive these people and remember they were only trying to be supportive but honestly people think about things before you say them. People to this day think that everything is ok. We've since had our rainbow baby and for some they think that takes all the pain away. As much as Landon puts a smile on my face the gap in my heart is still there. No baby can replace that no baby can heal that over it helps for sure don't get me wrong but it doesn't take away the pain. I still  miss Kael. I think of him everyday. I have his pictures on my phone, on my walls at home at my desk at work he will never be left out or go away. Its hard for those who have never lost a child to understand but all I can do it pray that they are gracious enough to allow me to grieve and that they are supportive. Some people I think have forgotten, most are scared to mention his name now. I know others think of him often and are very supportive for those people I am so thankful. I have a few good friends who are always there to listen and to let me vent, some family members are still great while others think that I should be over it by now, and I know my little family Layne and the boys will never forget, will always live with that missing piece and we will always remember Kael and do good in his name. We will never leave him out and we will always talk about him. If I had any advice try to talk to those who are supportive, try to keep a distance to those that hurt but most of all when you are ready forgive them if you can. I never told those who hurt me that they had done so and I had lots of resentment I still have some and am working on forgiving and being the better person. I just know I am so grateful for those that have stood by me. If you don't know what to say give them a hug, tell them you don't understand but you are there to listen, say your sorry, and never say you understand if you really don't.. its hard to understand if you haven't been there its even hard to understand if you have because everyone grieves differently! Don't forget to mention their child's name as a BLM my biggest fear is that Kael will be forgotten so please let them know that you do remember that their sweet child was real and that they did exist.  Don't forget if you'd like to link up you can do so here http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

Forget Me Not's

Last Friday I went with a friend to go and get a tattoo. When it comes to tattoos for me they must have meaning and this one is just that. I got it on my foot. It is 5 forget me not flowers. When Kael passed away Primary Children's had a little "ceremony" type thing to remember all the children lost in the previous year. They sent us a invitation in the mail and so we decided to go. It was a lovely service they played a video they had made of all the children, it showed their picture, name and their dates. They had lovely speakers and songs. Once it was over they had each of the families go out to their patio type area to tie ribbons and write notes to their loved ones, they also served refreshments for all of the family members. It broke my heart to see all of those sweet kids. Also at the ceremony they gave each family packets of forget me not flowers.. it was perfect I loved them, they are blue and remind me of Kael. So i got 5 flowers blue in color one for each month Kael lived. Now I know tattoos are not for everyone but it is so special to me and I love looking down at it and knowing why its there and what if means. Please don't judge my foot as it is still swollen from the tattoo itself but I am sure loving how it turned out! I think the artist did a great job.

P.S. Daxton drew this picture today and gave it to me. He told me it was of him and Kael (notice how the one boy has wings, he told me he misses watching the cougars with Kael and that he thought Kael would love his picture.. isn't it so sweet? It melted my heart!) What a kind, sweet boy Daxton is!!