REALITY.............

Some time reality just comes CRASHING down... this morning is one of those days... I woke up today feeling sad, that nasty pit in my stomach, that huge knot in the back of your throat that's holding back the tears and the screams... the reality that in just 1 more week it will be Kaels birthday.... Oh how I miss that little boy, I laid in bed trying to picture what he would look like now, what would his struggles be, how would our lives be different.. now don't get me wrong I wouldn't have liked to see him suffer and would have given the world to do anything for that little boy but I cant help but just wonder where we'd be today. There's a song that's speaks well to my heart some of the lyrics are "sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat, the only thing that gives me hope is I know ill see you again today." Every day I'm trying so hard to live so that will come true, I do my best but is it good enough. Some days are way harder than others and that's when I get fuzzy.. My world spins with the memories, mostly the bad ones on these days, the horrible day we had to give you away, all the pain with the ventilators, surgeries just trying to find an answer... was it worth it or were we being selfish? We were just trying to understand what was wrong with you and how we were going to be able to help... I hope we didn't cause you more pain. I struggle wondering did we do all we could do? Why us? Whats the big plan here? All I know is that you made us better people, you helped us to find out just exactly how strong we were, and what a beautiful gift you gave us when we got you. How blessed we are to be in that situation. Because of you I will fight harder, try harder and do my best every day!! Ive been thinking a lot about getting all of your hospital work and info so that I can do research, look things up on my own and get some answers to my questions that still wander through my head. I think I'm ready for that now and will get the ball rolling. I hope heaven is beautiful and that your there with all the other angel babies, your uncle, grandmas and all those that love you. I hope that you get one heck of a birthday party with bubbles, balloons, cake the whole works!! We will definitely be celebrating you. Thanks for all you taught us and for the time you gave us. We are trying hard baby boy!! Much love,

Mommy!!