With this time of year I hate to vent or be sad because after all I do have alot to be grateful for but for some reason I have felt alot of sadness and jealousy lately. Now don't get me wrong I would never wish the pain of loosing a child on anyone ever not even my worst enemy but sometimes I cant stop my brain from feeling these emotions. Here's a few examples... I have a few friends that have kids right around the same age that Kael would be some are a few months older and are recently having their 3rd bday parties... I go to be supportive but cant help but try and hold back the tears as they sing happy birthday knowing that Kael wont be here for his 3 birthday. Its horrible I know but that's where my brain wanders.... I also have many friends having or about to have their 3 child and they are being born perfectly healthy and happy with no complications some of them are boys and once again I cant help but let my brain wander to why us?? Why me?? How come my 3rd child wasn't born healthy... what did I do wrong, what should I have done better... Like I said I would never want anyone else to go through this pain but I get so jealous wondering WHY IT HAD TO BE ME.... LAYNE, my boys... sometimes it all just seems so unfair. I'm dreading going to the cemetery to decorate his grave for Christmas. I just wish he could be here ripping open presents with his brothers and enjoying our fun family traditions... I hate that I get these feelings sometimes but their real and for some reason I just needed to get them out today... Now please my friends reading this if the above information mentioned above is part of your situation please done think I love you any less because really I love you more... I watch your kids and think about Kael it helps me to see where he would be today... some times it just makes me a bit sad and that horrible word JEALOUS.... I don't want to hurt any feelings just venting out loud today. I still love you and your kids!! To the moon and back and am grateful that you have them here and healthy... To my sweet little Kael mommy loves you to the moon and back little guy. I hope your in heaven being free, running, jumping and smiling down as you watch what goes on in this crazy world!! We'll be visiting your grave soon to decorate it for Christmas... Love you lots little boy!! Keep watching over us and keeping us safe!! Forever loves!! MOMMY
6 comments:
Brigette,
I understand that jealousy feeling. It's hard and you wish you didn't feel that way but there is just no humanly way not to have those feelings and to not feel that way. I feel that way anytime anybody I know gets pregnant. It's hard and upsetting, but IT'S HUMAN. Sometimes you just have to break down and fall apart. Thankfully you and I both have wonderful husbands to pick up the pieces and put us back together again. Hang in there honey. I'm here if you need anything, you know that right? Love you and your sweet family.
I totally understand the jealousy. I hate that but it's human nature we really can't help it. Much love to you - Kael's loving it up in Heaven and sending you love! <3
The jealousy just seems to come so naturally at times. Sending you so much love and your pictures of Kael are so precious. XO
It does seem so unfair at times and it can be hard to see kids around the age your baby should be. You just wonder what they would be like. I hope you can get thru this season ok. I hope we all can!
Its so unfair. Why was it you? Why did Kael have to be sick? I hate this wondering. I know exactly how you feel about the jealously sadness. I hate to admit it but It makes me angry with those people. I wish I didnt. But there are times I just want to hit them. I just want to yell at them. Just because they had a healthy baby. I hate it. I hate this feeling but i have it. I miss my baby. I miss not knowing her now. I hate thinking about what life will hold in our future and I so understand the imagining the what ifs. What they would be like. You have 4 boys. You should be having a christmas with 4 boys. Im so sorry Brigette. Know I love you. If you want to ever vent or talk im here. Your amazing and I just love my gift from you.
:-(
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