Kaels Christmas

On Christmas Eve the kids decided they wanted to light candles for Kael since he couldn't be here with us. Each of them lit a candle and Stefon even decorated it with some beads and a letter K for Kael. It was such a sweet gesture. They love their brother and miss him so much!! We went and decorated Kaels grave each of our boys picked a thing for the grave, my mom sent a bear and Layne's mom sent a penguin and Layne and I picked a poinsetta for the grave. A friend of ours another BLM also sent a little reindeer for the grave. It all looked so perfect together. We spent awhile at the cemetery and let the kids talk to Kael they wished him a Merry Christmas and said that they loved him. We blew him kisses and told him to have a good Christmas in heaven with Jesus on his special birthday. Daxton asked me is Santa visits heaven and I told him I was sure that he did. I spent lots of the day thinking about Kael and heaven trying to picture what he looks like today, how happy he must be to be free and no longer in pain. I hope that we are making him proud down on earth and that he knows how much we love and miss him. Layne and I have plans for next year to do things in honor of Kael and his legacy and to try and help out others in the same situations as we are... Here's to hoping that our plans go smoothly and that we do just a little bit of good in Kaels name. Merry Christmas Kael!! We love and miss you daily!!

Christmas Eve and Chistmas Day

Christmas around here was full of fun and laughs, business and lots going on! On Christmas EVE we went to Laynes family party, brought the kids home they got the Christmas pajamas and then the kids left reindeer food outside for the reindeer and cookies and milk for Santa. Christmas morning the kids woke up about 8am to see if Santa had come!! Boy were they excited to see all the presents in the front room. Santa had come and out done himself. They all excitedly opened their presents and showed off everything they got. After we were all done opening gifts we got ready to go to Laynes moms house for Christmas morning breakfast. We got there and ate and visited and gave her our gifts then she gave all of us her gifts man were we all spoiled!! Christmas sure was good to us this year. We spent about 3 hours there then headed home so the kids could play with all of their new things and take naps. We had a few people over throughout the day and just relaxed for the most part the rest of the day. We loved being with each other all day and we kept Kael in our hearts all day. I'm going to do a separate post for his but I sure daydreamed alot about how it'd of been with 4 kids instead of 3 how he would have reacted had he been with us. I took a little nap with the kids that day and snuggled with my Kael pillow hoping to dream of him! I hope your Christmas was a good one as well!! Here are a few pictures from our fun and the new puppy they got as part of their presents!!

Christmas Parties...

This past week we had my family Christmas Party on Thursday and Laynes party on Friday. Both were lots of fun filled with love and laughs. We gave our Christmas cards to those in the family we hadn't yet and I was surprised when others realized we had included Kael in our pictures with having his bear there it was a nice thought to know others remembered. Santa came to my sides of the family Christmas party which was a huge hit for all the kids except for Landon for some reason up close Santa terrified him.. it was so funny none of the other kids ever had a issue with him. The parties were filled with lots of yummy food, visiting, present exchanges and love. Its always nice to be near family on Christmas. Here are a few pictures from our fun!

Things for Kael

Here are a few things I have received recently they are beautiful. Franchesca at hopecollage.org made the beautiful subway art picture and Rachel at tripletbytterflywings.blogspot.com did butterfly release in Kaels name. You can see his on her blog from September. Thank you lovely ladies for doing these things for my sweet baby!! Much love to everyone during this holiday season which can be very hard and trying!! Much love to Kael and all our angel babies!!

Daxs Chirstmas Concert

On Tuesday Daxs school had their Christmas program. He was so excited that he knew all the words and actions to the songs. Layne and I both went as well as both Grandmas, Aunt Lonnie and Uncle Darrell and Aunt Jen as well as Macy, Stefon and Landon were there to cheer him on!! It was so cute watching the kids sing and do the actions I was so proud of Daxton he did a great job. It was lots of fun for all. Here are a few pics from the performance.

Sadness and Jealousy.....

With this time of year I hate to vent or be sad because after all I do have alot to be grateful for but for some reason I have felt alot of sadness and jealousy lately. Now don't get me wrong I would never wish the pain of loosing a child on anyone ever not even my worst enemy but sometimes I cant stop my brain from feeling these emotions. Here's a few examples... I have a few friends that have kids right around the same age that Kael would be some are a few months older and are recently having their 3rd bday parties... I go to be supportive but cant help but try and hold back the tears as they sing happy birthday knowing that Kael wont be here for his 3 birthday. Its horrible I know but that's where my brain wanders.... I also have many friends having or about to have their 3 child and they are being born perfectly healthy and happy with no complications some of them are boys and once again I cant help but let my brain wander to why us?? Why me?? How come my 3rd child wasn't born healthy... what did I do wrong, what should I have done better... Like I said I would never want anyone else to go through this pain but I get so jealous wondering WHY IT HAD TO BE ME.... LAYNE, my boys... sometimes it all just seems so unfair. I'm dreading going to the cemetery to decorate his grave for Christmas. I just wish he could be here ripping open presents with his brothers and enjoying our fun family traditions... I hate that I get these feelings sometimes but their real and for some reason I just needed to get them out today... Now please my friends reading this if the above information mentioned above is part of your situation please done think I love you any less because really I love you more... I watch your kids and think about Kael it helps me to see where he would be today... some times it just makes me a bit sad and that horrible word JEALOUS.... I don't want to hurt any feelings just venting out loud today. I still love you and your kids!! To the moon and back and am grateful that you have them here and healthy... To my sweet little Kael mommy loves you to the moon and back little guy. I hope your in heaven being free, running, jumping and smiling down as you watch what goes on in this crazy world!! We'll be visiting your grave soon to decorate it for Christmas... Love you lots little boy!! Keep watching over us and keeping us safe!! Forever loves!! MOMMY

ZOO LIGHTS

Tonight we took the kids to Chick-Fila, to the zoo to see the zoo lights and then to starbucks for coffee and for them hot chocolate. It was lost of fun a little bit chilly but fun non the less. They had the place lit-up so pretty and made it so fun for the holidays. The kids had lots of fun and so did we. We went with some friends of ours and their son and just spent quality time together.. the zoo makes me think so much of Kael. We would go there before we took the kids to visit him because it was so close to the hospital.. makes me so sad that hes not here to enjoy the lights and the holiday with us I picture him in heaven looking down on the the lights and smiling watching his brothers have so much fun. Just as we were getting ready to leave it started to lightly snow... I think it was a little gift from him. Much love to my sweet Kael. Here are a few pics from our fun, fun night!!

Field Trip to Santa

Monday was Stefons class field trip we went to the mall to see Santa. Most of the kids liked him and sat on his lap and told him what they wanted for Christmas. Of course Stefon was excited he loves Santa!! After they were done sitting on his lap and getting their reindeer hats we went to the eating area and Ms.Lorraine got a cookie for each child. Lots of fun memories made on the field trip and Stefon was glad of course that I came. It makes his day that I get to help with his field trips and stuff. I of course love doing it and jump at every chance I can get to help out. Here are a few pics from our fun!!

Temple Square

Last weekend Layne and I took the boys to see the lights at temple square. It was beautiful as always and the kids had a great time. We went in the visitors center and walked up the ramp to see that statue of Christ and Layne explained to the kids that was Jesus right away Daxton said I love Jesus hes with baby Kael. I told him he was right and that Jesus was keeping Kael safe for us. I felt that knot in my stomach the big lump in the back of my throat and I just wanted to crumble... sad that I didn't have one of my boys with us, sad that my kids have to know the hurt of loosing a sibling and sad that Landon never did get to meet Kael. I also felt joy though a little warmth in my soul to know that Kael is no longer tied down with tubes, he can eat on his own he can run and jump and play and not feel the pain that he did on earth, no more seizures, no more tests no more pain just freedom. It was a lovely evening and a fun night with just Layne the kids and I. A perfect family date for the Christmas Season to remind us what Christmas is all about.

PTA Christmas Craft Night....

So as you know Daxton is my first child in real public school. Im uber obsessive about his education and being involved so I volunteer in his class once a week, im a room mom and I joined the PTA. At the first meeting they asked me if id be in charge of Christmas Craft Night... having no idea what I was getting myself into as a new mom in the school I agreed and said sure. Now all through out the year ive been involved in PTA things and helping with the events but id never been in charge. I dont know many people at the school so I hit up the room moms I work with in Daxs class to help me put this craft night together. Our job was to get 3 crafts for about 300 kids and then food to feed all those kids plus their parents. So we found the crafts ( we made star ornament, gingerbread men and necklaces) got them all together and then decided to feed the families pizza, fruit and punch and then brownies from a very yummy bakery. Well the craft night came on Wednesday. I was so nervous really wanting for it to turn out good. It went off with out a hitch I am so proud and excited that I pulled it all together. We had a great turn out and the families all had a blast!! Here are a few pictures from the fun night.

Indoor Soccer.

Indoor soccer has begun again. The kids are loving it and doing so great. They've played 4 games so far and Daxton has score at least 1 goal in every game!! Some games more than 1. Stefon has scored a few goals and made a few assists. I'm so proud of them both!! We played Stefon up so he and Daxton could be on the same team again and he is doing great! Layne helps coach the team which the kids love alot!! They have won all their games with the exception of the first game which was close 4-3. All the others they have dominated like 10-1 and 12-0. The kids really enjoy playing and its great to be able to let them run around when its so cold outside. I'm so glad that they love being active and playing sports. I'm a proud mom for sure!! Here are a few pics from their games.