FLASHBACKS!!!!

Today I had to take landon to primary children's for an mri. It has been extremely hard on me today. My brain keeps flashing back to two years ago when kael was here and we were doing all the testing to try and find his diagnosis. I keep seeing his sweet face and remember all the pain he endured just so we could keep him a little longer. He was so brave, so strong and fought till the end. We had to wait a while so I wandered the halls. I took the elevator to the 4th floor walked down the hall to where the nicu was. I stopped at the doors and millons of images ran through my head so many hours, tears,smiles milestones and pain spent there. Then I took the elevator to the 3rd floor. Walked down the hall where layne and I met the rainbow kids team where we discussed kaels life and had to determine.e if we would resuscitate him, give him meds etc.... No parent should have to make plans like that for their child.... Lots of stress and tears today. As I sit here waiting for landon to come out of the same mri tube kael came out of may time I can only hope that kaels in there holding landons hand telling him itll be ok and to not be scared. Oh how I love both tgese boys with my whole heart!! Praying that kaels hugging us tight today and that landon will be out soon and all the tests will come back normal!! I love these boys more than the world all 4 of them!! Sorry for any miss spellings and the vent im doing this from my phone as I wait I needed somnehing to distract me and get my thoughts out. Mommy lives you and misses you kael!!! Much love today and always!!!!

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving and my heart is in many places. I have so many things to be thankful for the list could go on and on. I am ever grateful for my family my sweet husband and my amazing kids. I am thankful for my parents and siblings even though we don't all always see eye to eye. I am ever grateful for the BLM community. I have met so many amazing people here that are so loving and supportive and non-judgmental. I am thankful that I have a great job, a warm house to live in and a car to drive. I'm thankful for music and the peace it can bring sometimes. I am thankful for yummy chocolate and Swedish fish and warm chicken noodle soup. I am thankful for so many things these are just a few. As I go though today I think about all these things and still cant pass that feeling of the missing link. How today would be so different if Kael were here. All I can do it send love to him though heavenly father and tell him to give him a great big kiss for me. Well visit his grave today and send him lots of love. Ill remember him all day and all the memories we have of him. 2 years later I still don't understand but I am trying to give all my faith to the lord and know that he is safe and warm. I am thankful that one day I will see him again and be able to love him and hold him and kiss him for ever and ever and never have to give him up or let him go again. For this I am to thankful. Sad that I don't have him to hold but happy to know that the lord is holding him now for me and showing him all of our love. I hope you all have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. Thank you all for being in my life. I love and appreciate you all.

A special gift

I got a package in the mail a few days ago and was so surprised when I opened it. A sweet lady by the name of Gayle had sent me a charm that had Kaels picture in one side and my other 3 boys in the other side. I was brought to tears it was so beautiful and special to receive. I have a charm bracelet that it matches exactly so I added it to the bracelet and now wear it around proudly. These pictures don't do justice but I wanted everyone to see. You can visit Gayle's blog at simplyamiraclex2.blogspot.com she is such an amazing lady who to has lost a sweet baby and has another sick little boy. She has such a good attitude and I love to read her blog. Thanks Gayle this meant the world to me!! Much love to your our babies and all the other baby lost mamas.

Disney on Ice

Last weekend we took the kids to Disney on Ice. It was so much fun. They had Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy and Goofy. They acted out the lion king, peter pan, Lilo and Stitch and The Little Mermaid. It was so fun watching the kids faces light up as each new thing came out. They had an absolute blast!! Landon especially loved it he was bouncing up and down and reaching for all of the characters. We got lots of treats and let the kids each pick a prize to bring home. It was a very fun family night!!

My sides Thanksgiving.

We had my families Thanksgiving feast last weekend as it is the year for the inlaws but my mom still insisted on having ours to. It was fun to have the family together and the cousins to play. We ate lots of yummy food and the kids did crafts and we played games. It was a good time for all. Here are a few pictures from our fun.

Kaels Memorial Page

This is Kaels Memorial Page. It is in a book that will travel to many cities in the world along with other babies pictures that have gone before us to soon. Many thanks to Krsite at Acnhored By Hope who put this page together. Much love to my fellow BLM's and lots of floaty kisses to our babies in heaven. Much love Kael I hope you catch my floaty kisses that I sent up today!! Mommy loves you to the moon and back!

Visit with a special friend.

On Friday I got to go on a very fun lunch date. I met up with a fellow BLM by the name of Kendra. Her and I have met before when I helped at her MRW Live Event and we have emailed back and forth but never been 1 on 1. I was super nervous and super excited all at the same time. I wanted to badly to talk to someone who actually understands what its like to loose a baby but also to be there for her so she could talk to. So we met up at lunch in Bountiful at Cafe Rio and chatted for a while then went up to Kaels grave and sat and talked for a good 2 hours. It was so amazing to talk to her and learn from her. I hope I helped her out to. We are going to do it again and visit Kenzie this time. They are buried in cemeteries about 30 mins from each other so we ran out of time to do both. I'm super excited to do it again. We sent Kael and Kenzie balloons and put some decorations on Kaels grave. I found this little autumn thing and Daxton sent Kael a elephant. Kendra brought a windmill it looked great. Daxton was so sweet he also sent a little bunny for Kendra to put on Kenzies grave and I gave her the same autumn ornament for the grave. It was such am amazing experience. I loved it alot and am so grateful we had the chance to do it. I cant wait to do it again. If you want to visit Kendras blog its kendraandryanwebster.blogspot.com. She is so amazing and I am so thankful that she would meet up with me and visit my sweet son!! Much love to Kendra Kenzie and Kael today!!

October field trip

So this month for Stefons preschool class we went to the grocery store for the class field trip. It was lots of fun to go with the kids. We got a tour of the store, they got chicken from the deli, cookies from the bakery they got to watch the lady make frosting flowers and then we got to see the meat counter. We got to go back in the back to the really cold fridge and freezer the kids sure thought that was fun. When we were all done the kids got coloring books from the lady at the service desk. Another fun field trip and lots of fun memories. Here are a few pictures.

Halloween 2010

Halloween was busy but fun this year. Saturday we took the kids to the Hogle Zoo for BOO at the zoo they got lots of candy and free kids meals to lots of places, we then went around visiting family members and trick or treating. It was alot of fun for the kids and fun for us to see the kids so excited and happy!! Both Friday and Saturday night after the boys were in bed Layne and I went to parties. We had lots of fun and hung out with lots of friends. On Sunday we went out to the cemetery. The boys had each picked out a pumpkin for Kaels grave and sweet Daxton had drawn a picture to take to his baby brother. It was so sweet we got out of the car and he ran over he held it above the grave and said look Kael I drew this for you. I love you and miss you. Hes such a sweet kid. On the drive home the song "you've had a bad day" came on and Daxton said mom I love this song because it helps me think of baby Kael. He sure misses his brother. I wish he didn't have to deal with such a loss. Poor kids breaks my heart for them. All in all it was a great Halloween though. If only we didn't have that missing hole..... Here are some pictures from all of our fun! Hope your Halloween was happy as well!!