Mothers Day and my Birthday!!

Wow May is half way over its so hard to believe!! Mothers Day was good and hard all at the same time. My sweet hubby got me Beautiful pink roses , a worlds best mom tee shirt, a waterfall, some scentsy scents and a beautiful card from him and one from the boys. The kids made these cute cards at school and painted a thing to put in the garden. It was bitter sweet of course with one of my sweet boys missing. It is great though to see the boys progress learning to write their names and draw pictures. Mothers Day was also tuff because Stefon had just gotten his tonsils out so he was sore and cranky!! We spent most of the day at home but did go to my in laws for a while for dinner. I didn't make it to the cemetery like I wanted to but plan to go this week. My birthday was yesterday it was a great day. Spent the morning playing with the kids. Then my mom picked them up for a overnighter. My sister took me to get my nails done and my eyebrows waxed when we got home my hubby had planned a surprise party for me. It was so fun to have my friends and some family there!! What a sweet guy. He even made a great dinner with the BBQ. I love BBQ!! Getting older every day I am but it was awesome to be surrounded by the people I love!! I am so grateful for the people in my life especially my kids and my hubby! They mean the world to me!! Dumb me forgot to take pics at the party but I think my sis took a few. Ill have to get them from her!! All in all the last week has been pretty good!!

Happy Birthday Layne!!!

Today is my hubby's birthday! I am so grateful for him. He is my rock!! He makes me happy when I am sad. Hugs me when I'm crying, is a great dad to my kids and works hard for us!! I truly owe a lot to him!!! I would be lost with out him. He held me up when we lost our sweet baby and is still here for me to this day!! Thanks babe for everything! You make my life great!! I love you so much and hope you have a great birthday!!!

Mothers Day....

Sweet Landon 6 months

At Raging Water with the boys in the summer

Me and Kael at Primary Childrens

beautiful waterfall picture

Another beautiful picture.

So Mothers day is quickly approaching. Last year at this time I was a total mess all week.. I cried alot and did not want Mothers Day to come. This year isn't much different. I haven't cried as much but thinking of the day stresses me out and makes me sad. I know I am a mother and I have 3 beautiful boys still here on earth with me but I just don't feel like a complete mother with out my sweet Kael. I miss him so much and wonder what I could have done differently. I often feel guilty wondering what I did wrong so that he couldn't be here on earth with us... Trying to process it all still hangs heavy on my heart. I do know that because of the loss of Kael I cherish every single moment I have with Daxton, Stefon and Landon and my hubby Layne. You never know what life will bring and we cant take even 1 single day for granted. I am grateful for that lesson but don't understand why I had to loose 1 to learn it. This probably all sounds crazy but its what runs through my mind some days. I will do my best to be happy as can be for my sweet boys still on earth with me this mothers day and hope and pray that Kael knows how much his mommy loves him!! To all you sweet mothers out there baby loss or not I hope you have a great Mothers Day and that you feel appreciated for all the hard work we as Mothers do!! Thanks for all the support and love you give me! P.S. thanks for the beautiful waterfall picutres from a fellow baby loss mama by the name of Lisa you can view her blog at waterfallangels.blogspot.com . They mean the world to me!!

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day

What a bummer to be in such a club... I am however so grateful to the people I have met through this blogging world. I hate that we know each other this way but am so grateful to have people that relate. It makes me feel not so crazy when I go through my hard moments and ok to that I have easier moments to. Sending much love to all my friends and fellow baby loss mamma's. Sending lots of love to my baby up in heaven!! I love you buddy and miss you more than I can tell you. Thinking of you always but much today!! Thanks for choosing me and teaching me all you did! I love you buddy. I hope you have a great day dancing in heaven with you other baby angel friends!! Love always mommy!!

Catching up.

The last few weeks have been busy with preschool, work, sharing place, karate, soccer and play dates. Were doing pretty good. Little bit of sickness. Stefon goes in on Friday to get his tonsils and adenoids out. Having to sit up at Primary Children's operating room stresses me out!! Not that I don't trust them because I do its the memories from that room that scare the crap out of me!! Kids are doing good though. Just a few more weeks of preschool and this year is over. Daxs birthday is coming right up and he is so excited!! He and I went on a mommy- son date last week as he had his Kindergarten orientation. He choose to go to Leatherby's before hand we had a great time! They are doing well in karate they have earned their 3rd stripe for the karate belts and a ton more stars they only need 2 more to move up to the silver patch!! Soccer started 2 weeks ago. They are playing great this season and really love that as well. Landons getting big he'll be 9 months old on the 12th I can hardly believe it!! Time goes so fast! I am grateful for my little family I love them all so much. Here are a few pics from the last few weeks!

Look how amazing!!

Another sweet item that a nice lady by the name of Jessica at littleonesforeverrememberd.blogspot.com together for me. I am so impressed with it. There are so many sweet people out there!! A million thanks. Thinking of you today and always Kael. I love you so much. Today I miss you wish you were here to hold and love!! I had big plans for us. Maybe one day we will live them together! Hope your safe and warm. Hope your happy and pain free. You are amazing, you taught me so much!! I owe alot to you. I hope you know how much mommy loves you!!

Angel wings.....

So you guys probably get sick of this but.... to me its amazing and specail and a way to keep Kael "alive". I got a few more things I want to share that I have recieved some amazing angel wings from http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/ where a loving mother by the name of Leah makes these for baby lost mamas. Her sweet son was born sleeping also http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/ for the cute sidewalk name by La Cubanita who has also lost a little one. I hope these make you smile... I know they did me. I hope you dont think I am consumed with Kael but reality is I think about him everday!! The pain doesnt hurt as much as those first few months except on some occasions and I am doing ok but he is still very much apart of my life and I never want him to forget that I love him so much and always want a way to thank him for what he has done for me!! Thank you to all of you as well you have been a support!! We never think going into marriage and having babies that one day we will loose one of our own so young. It blindsides you and for me hit me like a train and left me in a fog for a long time. I try to go back and remember the good days with Kael often times I go to that dark day that will for ever remain impressed in my brain but I am grateful for the memories we do have!! The good news is the fog is not so thick any more. The bad news is for me at least this 2nd year has been so much harder.... another great friend I have found from the baby loss community says that the 2nd year is harder because the shock has worn off and reality has set in... I find that to be very true!! I just have to take it a day at a time. Today i'll take the kids to the sharing place an amazing place for kids that have lost loved ones due to death. (ie:sibling, parents and a few grandparents they were close to.) The place is amazing and has done some great things for my kids but I sure hate that this is part of their reality. They are doing ok with it. Just like me some days are better than others. For the most part though we are happy and doing well. Sorry for babbling... just one of those mornings I suppose! And lastly but not least I want to say thanks to Layne he has been my rock throughout this entire process. He talks to me and he makes me smile!! Thanks honey!! I hope you guys enjoy the pictures.