Mothers Day....

Sweet Landon 6 months

At Raging Water with the boys in the summer

Me and Kael at Primary Childrens

beautiful waterfall picture

Another beautiful picture.

So Mothers day is quickly approaching. Last year at this time I was a total mess all week.. I cried alot and did not want Mothers Day to come. This year isn't much different. I haven't cried as much but thinking of the day stresses me out and makes me sad. I know I am a mother and I have 3 beautiful boys still here on earth with me but I just don't feel like a complete mother with out my sweet Kael. I miss him so much and wonder what I could have done differently. I often feel guilty wondering what I did wrong so that he couldn't be here on earth with us... Trying to process it all still hangs heavy on my heart. I do know that because of the loss of Kael I cherish every single moment I have with Daxton, Stefon and Landon and my hubby Layne. You never know what life will bring and we cant take even 1 single day for granted. I am grateful for that lesson but don't understand why I had to loose 1 to learn it. This probably all sounds crazy but its what runs through my mind some days. I will do my best to be happy as can be for my sweet boys still on earth with me this mothers day and hope and pray that Kael knows how much his mommy loves him!! To all you sweet mothers out there baby loss or not I hope you have a great Mothers Day and that you feel appreciated for all the hard work we as Mothers do!! Thanks for all the support and love you give me! P.S. thanks for the beautiful waterfall picutres from a fellow baby loss mama by the name of Lisa you can view her blog at waterfallangels.blogspot.com . They mean the world to me!!

some more great things!! In Kaels honor.

Thank you to Misty at heavensseashells.blogspot.com who wrote Kaels name so perfectly!! What a great website she has. She to lost a baby and does this to help grieving parents. Thanks again Misty!! Also thank you to Jill at vermontangels.blogspot.com for the beautiful rocks with Kaels name! She also lost twin babies who are now in heaven. Its so sad there are so many of us out there. You never know about this " club" of baby loss mamas until you are in it!! Sending love to you in heaven today!! Love and miss ya Kael thank you for everything you taught mommy!!

Kaels sweet story....

Well here it is... for almost 2 years now I have been meaning to write this all down so I don't forget a thing... it plays out in my head almost daily every day one part or another but its special to me and I don't want to forget. When I found out I was pregnant with Kael things were good... everything started out normal and well. We went for our 10 week ultrasound things were good but as I got father along I knew something was different. Kael didn't move around as much as the others, I often worried if he was still ok. When my 20 week ultrasound came along they had some concerns. Kaels wrists had not not developed correctly and he had extra fluid around his brain. This came as such a surprise to us and we weren't sure what to do. We lived in New Mexico at the time for the company I worked for but knew right away we needed to be in Utah to deal with whatever life had in store for us. We saw a perinatologist and they did an amniocentesis. Everything from that came back fine we were on this roller coaster of whether or not his situation would be an easy fix or a big life altering problem. Because of his condition they had a hard time telling whether Kael was going to be a boy or a girl... the amnio finally proved in deed he was a boy... so with worry in our hearts and endless fear we awaited Kaels arrival. Kael was born on April 12, 2008. He was 34 weeks along, he was born at exactly 9 am and weighed exactly 6 lbs he was even an exact 18 inches long... such perfection. I was so excited to have him here and to see that he was breathing. Right away they rushed Kael to the NICU due to breathing complications. We had a neuro pediatric specialist come see Kael and he to had problems deciding what was wrong. Kael did ok for a few days but quickly went down hill. He had to be on oxygen and be fed through a breathing tube. The hospital did test after test and couldn't give his condition a name. On May 20th they moved Kael from St. Marks hospital to the children's hospital called Primary Children's Hospital. What a very sad yet amazing place. Kael had a round of doctors specifically for him who were always very kind and thorough with him. Again many rounds of testing, ekg's, mri's, etc to no avail all they could tell us was he had a neuromuscular condition and that it didn't appear to be genetic. Kael started improving some, they were able to take him off the ventilator and lower his oxygen levels pretty substantially. They gave us the approval to bring him home on oxygen and with a g-tube to feed him through because of his condition he could not swallow correctly. After a few sleep ins at the hospital they sent him home. Kael was home for 2 days when we had to rush him back to PCMC he had gotten a stomach bug and pneumonia. He was in the hospital for 5 days and came home again. After another short visit he was back at the hospital again with pneumonia where he stayed for 2 weeks. Kael finally made his last appearance home where he stayed for about 4 weeks. In those 4 weeks, we got his pictures professionally done, took him to a BYU football game and got him blessed in the church. On the 3rd of October we took him to the football game in Logan Utah. He was so calm and peaceful. We took pictures with the players and got family pictures there. We drove home that night and put him and the other 2 boys to bed. We went to bed about 12:30 pm at 6:00 am Layne woke up to give him his morning feeding and he was gone.... Kael had drifted away to sleep never to wake up again. I hope that he was not in any pain and that it was peaceful. He never cried, or grasped for air he just drifted off to a much better place than here. Ill spare the details of that morning for a different post but we had our family over to hold and see him before the coroner picked him up to take him to the mortuary. Handing my sweet boy over to a complete stranger was the worst feeling in the world all I could do was cry and think to myself this isn't real..... Anyways he is much loved and very missed. He is my example and I strive to be a better person because of him. He is my light and hope. I cant wait to be with him again. I hope his birthday celebration will be enough to show him a glimpse of how much we love and adore and miss him!! Thanks Kael for the amazing memories. I hope that we didn't put you through to much or make you suffer longer than you needed to. I love you buddy!!