Stings....

Oh man do I have some major blogging to catch up on but tonight I just cant. Oh how grief is such a crazy thing... you would think almost 5 years out of this I wouldn't have hard or bad days... alas still I do. Tonight is one of those nights. The pain is so strong it stings with such a pain I can hardly breathe... I wish it didn't hurt so bad, oh how I wish you were here. Tomorrow your brothers start school. I am so happy for them yet so very sad that you aren't here. You would be starting Kindergarten.. I think that's why this is so very hard for me... I see all of those cute kids ready to stat school, start their new adventures it should be you. Your little cousins, neighbor kids, friends it should be you and sadly it isn't and I wish so badly it was. The grief is consuming, its all I can think about tonight. I cant sleep, my eyes are blood shot from tears and the hole in my heart is gaping open. I miss you so much! Who would you be? What would your personality look like? What would you look like? What would you love? What would you totally hate? AHHH the questions are endless. It stings, I cry and I just wish I had the answers! I wish I knew maybe that would make it a bit easier? Probably not. Would you like school? What would be the easy subjects? What would be the hard ones? I am listening to the song "Who you'd be today" by Kenny Chesney over and over again. I wonder is there school in heaven or do you just know everything you need to up there? Are you watching over me thinking I'm so silly for being so sad? I know I shouldn't be but the missing I oh so great right now. I love you so much baby boy! You are forever a baby in my mind.. I cant see you any other way... Are you still a baby or a big 5 year old? Can you believe it has really been almost 5 years since the day we had to say goodbye for now? I really cant it doesn't  seem real. Seems just like yesterday.  I hope you know how much I love you sweet boy. You mean the world to me, you are my everything. Thank you for all the lessons you have taught and continue to teach me. I know I have lots to learn and big things to still figure out but I am working on it...  am working so very hard. I love you so much. Maybe you can hang out close by tomorrow. I could use a little wink or a little hug. Thank you for being you, for choosing us and helping me to become the woman and mom I am today. I love you forever and am forever grateful to you. If you do go to school in heaven I hope you have an amazing 1st day tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back sweet boy. With much love always!! Mom!!