Catching up.

The last few weeks have been busy with preschool, work, sharing place, karate, soccer and play dates. Were doing pretty good. Little bit of sickness. Stefon goes in on Friday to get his tonsils and adenoids out. Having to sit up at Primary Children's operating room stresses me out!! Not that I don't trust them because I do its the memories from that room that scare the crap out of me!! Kids are doing good though. Just a few more weeks of preschool and this year is over. Daxs birthday is coming right up and he is so excited!! He and I went on a mommy- son date last week as he had his Kindergarten orientation. He choose to go to Leatherby's before hand we had a great time! They are doing well in karate they have earned their 3rd stripe for the karate belts and a ton more stars they only need 2 more to move up to the silver patch!! Soccer started 2 weeks ago. They are playing great this season and really love that as well. Landons getting big he'll be 9 months old on the 12th I can hardly believe it!! Time goes so fast! I am grateful for my little family I love them all so much. Here are a few pics from the last few weeks!

Look how amazing!!

Another sweet item that a nice lady by the name of Jessica at littleonesforeverrememberd.blogspot.com together for me. I am so impressed with it. There are so many sweet people out there!! A million thanks. Thinking of you today and always Kael. I love you so much. Today I miss you wish you were here to hold and love!! I had big plans for us. Maybe one day we will live them together! Hope your safe and warm. Hope your happy and pain free. You are amazing, you taught me so much!! I owe alot to you. I hope you know how much mommy loves you!!

Angel wings.....

So you guys probably get sick of this but.... to me its amazing and specail and a way to keep Kael "alive". I got a few more things I want to share that I have recieved some amazing angel wings from http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/ where a loving mother by the name of Leah makes these for baby lost mamas. Her sweet son was born sleeping also http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/ for the cute sidewalk name by La Cubanita who has also lost a little one. I hope these make you smile... I know they did me. I hope you dont think I am consumed with Kael but reality is I think about him everday!! The pain doesnt hurt as much as those first few months except on some occasions and I am doing ok but he is still very much apart of my life and I never want him to forget that I love him so much and always want a way to thank him for what he has done for me!! Thank you to all of you as well you have been a support!! We never think going into marriage and having babies that one day we will loose one of our own so young. It blindsides you and for me hit me like a train and left me in a fog for a long time. I try to go back and remember the good days with Kael often times I go to that dark day that will for ever remain impressed in my brain but I am grateful for the memories we do have!! The good news is the fog is not so thick any more. The bad news is for me at least this 2nd year has been so much harder.... another great friend I have found from the baby loss community says that the 2nd year is harder because the shock has worn off and reality has set in... I find that to be very true!! I just have to take it a day at a time. Today i'll take the kids to the sharing place an amazing place for kids that have lost loved ones due to death. (ie:sibling, parents and a few grandparents they were close to.) The place is amazing and has done some great things for my kids but I sure hate that this is part of their reality. They are doing ok with it. Just like me some days are better than others. For the most part though we are happy and doing well. Sorry for babbling... just one of those mornings I suppose! And lastly but not least I want to say thanks to Layne he has been my rock throughout this entire process. He talks to me and he makes me smile!! Thanks honey!! I hope you guys enjoy the pictures.

Kaels collage!!

Look how amazing this is!! Check out this website hopecollage.org This sweet lady by the name of Franchesca makes these collages for baby loss parents!! She also lost a sweet little girl who was beautiful!! Thank you Franchesca!!! Its a real rainy day today!!! I wonder why the heavens are crying.. is it because their happy or sad?? Sometimes I get stuck in this evil thinking of how awful and cold it must be under the ground on such rainy cold days... I have to convince myself to think that Kael is not under that freezing cold ground but up in heaven and smiling down on us. If I think the other I drive myself crazy and have so much guilt!! I hope your dancing in the rain today Kael with all your new baby loss friends!! Mommy loves you around the world and back!!

some more great things!! In Kaels honor.

Thank you to Misty at heavensseashells.blogspot.com who wrote Kaels name so perfectly!! What a great website she has. She to lost a baby and does this to help grieving parents. Thanks again Misty!! Also thank you to Jill at vermontangels.blogspot.com for the beautiful rocks with Kaels name! She also lost twin babies who are now in heaven. Its so sad there are so many of us out there. You never know about this " club" of baby loss mamas until you are in it!! Sending love to you in heaven today!! Love and miss ya Kael thank you for everything you taught mommy!!

Anniversary!!

So on Saturday Layne and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. It doesn't seem like its been that long but we've sure been through a lot to prove it. In the 6 years we've been married we've moved a few times, had 4 kids, lost on of our babies, went to Albuquerque for a year and much much more. I am so grateful to have Layne for the strength that he gives me. He is always the rock whenever I need him to be!! He is amazing!! We had a great anniversary. In years past we've gone out of town, done overnighters etc this year we stayed home bound because the kids had activities but we went to one of our favorite restaurants Red Lobster and bought some movies and had treats and stuff. It was nice to be together!! I look forward to many more years together! Layne really is special to me and I am so grateful for him!! Thanks babe for everything!! To many more years!!

Kaels Birthday Celebration

So on Kaels birthday we celebrated his life and amazing spirit and legacy that we still try to carry on each day. We miss him so much and hope he felt our love for him on his birthday and every day! We played a movie with all the pics from his life, got a ton of balloons and let those who wanted to write a message and then we all trekked outside to let them go. What an amazing experience. We had about 50 people there and let 75 balloons go. We then provided dinner to thank those that came and had a few display tables out with Kaels stuff. After dinner we sang happy birthday and cut his cake and had cake and cupcakes for dessert. It was such a special day. Emotional but worth it. Im glad that we had the support we did come out and am especially glad that we did it for my other kids sake. My sweet Daxton asked me "mommy how come Kael had to die so fast? I miss him" What a tear jerker it was but so sweet that he thinks so often of his brother. I hope you had a great birthday in haven Kael. Mommy loves you!!!

Kaels Birthday....

So today is the day my sweet Kael should have turned 2. He should be running around, talking crazy with his brothers but instead his body rests quietly under the ground while he dances in heaven. We have his celebration tonight I only hope it goes as smoothly as planned. Thank you to Laura who made the below name things in Kaels sweet honor. She to lost a baby you can visit her blog at angelbabynammes.blogspot.com. I hope your having a perfect party in heaven Kael with your uncle and grandparent and other angel baby friends. Missing you much and sending much love on your birthday!! I love you to the moon and back. Happy Birthday buddy!!!!

Kaels sweet story....

Well here it is... for almost 2 years now I have been meaning to write this all down so I don't forget a thing... it plays out in my head almost daily every day one part or another but its special to me and I don't want to forget. When I found out I was pregnant with Kael things were good... everything started out normal and well. We went for our 10 week ultrasound things were good but as I got father along I knew something was different. Kael didn't move around as much as the others, I often worried if he was still ok. When my 20 week ultrasound came along they had some concerns. Kaels wrists had not not developed correctly and he had extra fluid around his brain. This came as such a surprise to us and we weren't sure what to do. We lived in New Mexico at the time for the company I worked for but knew right away we needed to be in Utah to deal with whatever life had in store for us. We saw a perinatologist and they did an amniocentesis. Everything from that came back fine we were on this roller coaster of whether or not his situation would be an easy fix or a big life altering problem. Because of his condition they had a hard time telling whether Kael was going to be a boy or a girl... the amnio finally proved in deed he was a boy... so with worry in our hearts and endless fear we awaited Kaels arrival. Kael was born on April 12, 2008. He was 34 weeks along, he was born at exactly 9 am and weighed exactly 6 lbs he was even an exact 18 inches long... such perfection. I was so excited to have him here and to see that he was breathing. Right away they rushed Kael to the NICU due to breathing complications. We had a neuro pediatric specialist come see Kael and he to had problems deciding what was wrong. Kael did ok for a few days but quickly went down hill. He had to be on oxygen and be fed through a breathing tube. The hospital did test after test and couldn't give his condition a name. On May 20th they moved Kael from St. Marks hospital to the children's hospital called Primary Children's Hospital. What a very sad yet amazing place. Kael had a round of doctors specifically for him who were always very kind and thorough with him. Again many rounds of testing, ekg's, mri's, etc to no avail all they could tell us was he had a neuromuscular condition and that it didn't appear to be genetic. Kael started improving some, they were able to take him off the ventilator and lower his oxygen levels pretty substantially. They gave us the approval to bring him home on oxygen and with a g-tube to feed him through because of his condition he could not swallow correctly. After a few sleep ins at the hospital they sent him home. Kael was home for 2 days when we had to rush him back to PCMC he had gotten a stomach bug and pneumonia. He was in the hospital for 5 days and came home again. After another short visit he was back at the hospital again with pneumonia where he stayed for 2 weeks. Kael finally made his last appearance home where he stayed for about 4 weeks. In those 4 weeks, we got his pictures professionally done, took him to a BYU football game and got him blessed in the church. On the 3rd of October we took him to the football game in Logan Utah. He was so calm and peaceful. We took pictures with the players and got family pictures there. We drove home that night and put him and the other 2 boys to bed. We went to bed about 12:30 pm at 6:00 am Layne woke up to give him his morning feeding and he was gone.... Kael had drifted away to sleep never to wake up again. I hope that he was not in any pain and that it was peaceful. He never cried, or grasped for air he just drifted off to a much better place than here. Ill spare the details of that morning for a different post but we had our family over to hold and see him before the coroner picked him up to take him to the mortuary. Handing my sweet boy over to a complete stranger was the worst feeling in the world all I could do was cry and think to myself this isn't real..... Anyways he is much loved and very missed. He is my example and I strive to be a better person because of him. He is my light and hope. I cant wait to be with him again. I hope his birthday celebration will be enough to show him a glimpse of how much we love and adore and miss him!! Thanks Kael for the amazing memories. I hope that we didn't put you through to much or make you suffer longer than you needed to. I love you buddy!!

Emotions...

So as I said before Easter this year was hard for me. I had so many emotions the whole weekend. Of course I was happy for the kids but also very sad and angry at times. I would think that loosing Kael would get easier by now but to be honest this year was so much harder.... I hate the fact that he isn't here that Landon will never meet Kael. We got Landon out of the car at the cemetery for the first time and he was so cute at the grave babbling away I only hope he was talking to his brother... I hate that our family pictures are missing someone and that the only way I feel we get a real family picture is when were at the cemetery where Kaels little body rests. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to know that this is all real... this is really my life I have a baby buried in a small little blue casket with teddy bears and a few things inside to be with him. We decorated the grave with eater baskets, a lamb and windmill. Someone also left a little rose plant which was very sweet. It makes me happy to know were not the only ones that think of Kael. Well enough babbling for today. Kales birthday is one week from today so later this week I will post his story because on his birthday post I want it to be about his special birthday celebrations.... Love you Kael always thinking about you!!

Easter

Easter was fun yet hard this year. More about the hard part later. The fun part.... We took the kids to the mall to see the Easter bunny on Thursday, Friday we dyed eggs, Sat my mom had her party we also dyed eggs, had a Easter egg hunt and lunch and she gave them their presents, Sunday was Easter the bunny visited out house, the kids had a big hunt, we went and decorated Kaels grave and had Laynes family party where we had dinner and a egg hunt and the kids presents. All in all a great but busy Easter and sad to say I am glad its over!! Here are a few pics from our fun...