2 years in heaven....

Dear Kael,

I cant believe its been 2 years. Oh how I love and miss you. Where has the time gone? It cant really have been 2 years right... 2 years since I held you and kissed that sweet face. What I wouldn't give to see it one more time. Hug your body and hold and love on you forever. I will never forget 2 years ago today... I hate today like you couldn't believe. My stomach is sick and all I want to do is run and hide. We had no idea that you had gotten so much sicker and would leave us so soon. Ill never forget that morning. The night before you passed away we all went to the Utah state vs. BYU game. We didn't get home till about 12:30. My phone battery was dead so I put it on the charger. I kissed you goodnight and laid you in your bed for the evening. At 5:00am I woke up to take grandma to the hospital for her therapy treatment. I was so sleepy I grabbed my phone but didn't turn it on. We drove up to the U and when we got there the nurse told me that the police department was trying to get ahold of me. I had no clue what I was about to hear. I turned my phone on right away to call daddy... when he answered the phone he told me you were gone... he woke up to give you your morning feeds and that it was to late.. you were gone, you had passed away peacefully in your sleep sometime between 1 and 6 am. You didn't cry or struggle you were just gone. I couldn't believe what I had heard. He asked if he should send someone to come get me as he thought I wouldn't be able to drive. I told him no way in hell it would take double the time and he'd already been there alone to long. I felt so guilty.. why didn't I check you before I left, why the hell hadn't I turned my phone on how could I leave daddy to find you like that all alone. I guess I had no way to know but still I felt horrible and still do to this day. I should have been there with daddy when he found you. I ran to my car everything seemed black around me but I drove... I drove till I got home. When I got there a woman cop was outside she asked me who I was and when I told her shed asked me if I had heard the news. Of course I had I ran straight past her and inside to see my baby. He was still at home. On my bed cold as cold could be. Layne had dressed him and changed his diaper. I say him and froze I couldn't believe this was true. I grabbed on to Layne and then let loose... I started bawling I couldn't believe it was true. By then Laynes mom and sisters were there as well as my mom. There was still a male cop inside which I guess is normal when someone passes away at home. After Layne and I help each other for about 10 mins I sat on the bed and held you and cried and cried. Your face was so sweet. You looked so peaceful with out those oxygen tubes up your nose and that feeding tube sticking out your clothes. I held you for ever while daddy and I looked up the information for the mortuary. We called the people who are family friends and the sweet man came to the house to pick you up with out any fees. When he came that's when it hit. I couldn't take you outside to be with the man... daddy had to do it. I fell to the floor and crumbled. I wanted to send you with your car seat. Babies cant ride in cars with out them. Duh like it mattered now but that's all I kept saying. Layne assured me he was safe and buckled in the back of the car and that he'd be in good hands. He came back inside. We held each other for what seemed like forever. My inlaws took my other 2 boys who had been at home the whole time, say there baby bother no longer alive and holding him. Layne and I got ready to go down to the mortuary to make the plans.

To this day I still cant believe this is my reality. It just sucks and makes it hard to breath sometimes. I still cant fathom why this is real and how its real and some days how ill go on. Some days are good other days hell. But I'm trying to learn to live and breath again.

I'm sure Kael is up in heaven, safe and warm and no longer in need of those medical things. I hope he is warm and happy. I love him so much! I wish I could see him 1 more time. When the boys get out of school well go to the cemetery and release balloons. I hope he feels our love for him. He was one strong amazing little fighter. From day one he never gave up and he fought as long and as hard as he could. He taught me so much. I only hope to be able to live up to his example.

Happy 2 years in heaven. Mommy loves you sweet boy!!

Fun Run!

So now that Daxton has started Kindergarten I am involved in the PTA. Yesterday they had this great thing called a fun run for the kids. It was meant to teach importance of nutrition and fitness as well as raise money for the school. The kids had their family and friends sponsor them so that they could run and all the proceeds stay right at the elementary. It was great the kids ran around the school for 20 minutes and they got water, apples and wheat bread as a snack when they were done. Each kid also got a gold medal for running. I helped at the water stations and then also helped Daxtons class run. It was so much fun he loves that I help at his school and participate with him. It was also lots of fun because they had the firemen come with their trucks and ambulance, they had a DJ there with the radio on, they had the Blazes monkey mascot there running with the kids and riding his motorcycle and they had a trainer for Real come to warm the kids up and teach them stretches. It was so great Mrs. Haslam Daxtons teacher was all about being interactive with the kids she ran her little heart out and sat on the grass doing all the stretches. She is a great teacher! We had a great day!!

Vote for SMA

Please go to voteforsma.com!!! Please do it right now today!! Voting ends today and it means 20,000 towards the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation which does research for SMA. Come on it only takes 1 minute!! Please, please do it!! Make sure you pick the little bubble that says Gwendolyn Strong Foundation!! Thanks in advance!!

Our lovely blog award!!!

So I got this sweet blog award nomination from an amazing lady over at survivingmiscarriages.com shes the one who made this sweet dove picture in memory of Kael. I wanted to spread the love. So I am going to nominate 10 blogs that I follow and love to read and let you know why I love them. I have never been given an award before so it was kind of cool. I feel so special today :0) So read check out the below blogs and show them some love to. Here are my 10 in no particular order.

1) kendraandryanwebster.blogspot.com - This lady is so amazing and has done such good in remembrance of her sweet daughter Kenzie.

2) lisaandkevinjones.blogspot.com- Lisa is so positive and has a great outlook on life.

3) simplyamiraclex2.blogspot.com- This sweet lady has such great struggles but has an amazing attitude and puts forward her very best everyday.

4) truelove08.blogspot.com- Lyndee is one of my dearest friends and has an amazing blog. She actually has 3 because she is so talented and involved in so many things.

5) missingjuanito.blogspot.com- Juanitos mommy is so strong and amazing

6) onlyangelsmakethelist.blogspot.com- This sweet mom makes are collections in memory of our babies gone to soon. She has a great outlook on life.

7) sherryrusso.blogspot.com- a mom to twins one who is on earth one who is in heaven she is a very strong amazing woman as well.

8) wyattnathaniel.blogspot.com- a sweet mom who has been through alot but lives for what she believes in.

9) arckids.blogspot.com- This sweet lady has many struggles of her own. She doesn't think of herself though she even took the time to make a tree last year in memory of our son Kael for the festival of trees.

10) heathermohr.blogspot.com- Has been though much sadness but is expecting a sweet rainbow baby and has a great attitude.

CIRCUS!!

So we went on a family date just Layne the kids and I to the circus on Friday. It was their prize for being so good while Layne was out of town for work. It was so much fun!! The kids were glued the whole time! It was over 2 hours long but all 3 boys did great. Landon was laughing and bouncing up and down and kicking his legs, Daxton and Stefon kept saying oh my gosh look at that or laughing at the clowns and asking all kinds of questions about the animals and the tricks and stunts and everything. They laughed so hard, got so excited and were great all night. They got prizes and drinks, popcorn and licorice. It was such a fun night!! Here are a few pictures from our fun!

Still Missing You

I came across this poem a few weeks back and really love it alot... it speaks alot to how I feel.

I still miss you by Damaris Calderon:

Its been sometime, since you've been gone

I thought by now, I would be strong

I think of you, and shed my tears

I wonder who, will still my fears.

Your memories remain, inside my heart

My soul it seems, to be torn apart

You told me secrets, I hold so dear

I only wish, you would be near.

I still miss and love you, cant see you

I wish to hold, and talk with thee

So many things, I could not say

And now you've gone, so far away.

You taught me to, in God believe

You said he would always, take care of me

So take my hand, and guide me there

And save a place, one day to share.

Kael taught me so much in the short time he was here. He still is teaching me things to this very day. I only hope to be as strong as he was as he held on and fought for his little life. I am so thankful he held on as long as he did so we could have some of the memories we have. He was one amazing kid and I thank God every day that we were able to have him. I miss him dearly and love him to the moon and back. I'm trying to talk myself out of crazy thoughts and hold on to the hope that well all be together again some day! Here are a few pictures that some fellow baby loss mamas have made in his memory. The grass name is done by michas mommy you can view her blog at michasgift.blogspot.com, the sweet dragon fly picture is done by Jen, Lillys mom her blog can be viewed at lilyangelinesmommy.blogspot.com. Such sweet ladies to do this for other baby loss mamas. I am so thankful. Loving and missing you everyday sweet Kael. Sending up much love and kisses. Come visit your mama today just send me a little sign. xoxo

ZOO!!

We love the zoo. We go as often as we can. So on Sunday we went up with the boys and my sister, hubby and their kids to spend the afternoon. It was so much fun. Landon is big enough now to see the animals and understand. He kept trying to reach the animals and got so excited kicking his legs and laughing. Daxton and Stefon were asking about each animal and wanting to know what they were called. We of course rode the train and carousel as usual. It was such a great fun family day and I was grateful for it. The zoo often reminds me of Kael because when he was sick and up at the hospital we would take the boys to the zoo and then go visit Kael. The boys picked a stuffed elephant one time for Kael which he kept in his hospital bed with him, we buried it with him so that he had some things to keep him company. As we were driving home I couldn't help but think of him and smile remembering the good times that we had with him. Oh how I love my sweet family. We renewed our season pass so I'm sure well be going up there lots more times again. Here are some pictures from our fun...