Fear...

Fear can be such a consuming thing... I try not to let it over power my life but once in a while it takes charge. Ever since Tiara was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis I have had so much fear. It makes me nervous to take her out, go to the doctor, worry shell get to much wind in her face etc. etc etc. This past week I realized a hard lesson.On Friday I spent the afternoon up at Primary Children's with Tiara. At her 2 month check up the pediatrician heard a murmur in her heart... I was FREAKING out to say the least. Our pediatrician being the amazing person she is calmed me down thankfully she has been our pediatrician since Daxton was born so she knows our history with Kael and is very understanding. She let me know it was most likely nothing but that shed hook us up with a specialist right away up at the hospital. So Friday came and up I went. The people up there are amazing. They got all her data and then ran a EKG. They checked her oxygen levels and asked me a zillion questions and then the doctor came in. He said her EKG looked good and she had passed all the questions we had answered. He listened to her heart and said it sounds to him like whats called a still murmur. This is very common in kids and they outgrow them as they get older. This was such a huge relief to hear. They will follow up with us in 6 months to re listen and as long as it sounds the same they wont need to do further testing or follow up. Sitting there at that hospital with her for this reason sent me back to the times with Kael. So many test, so much time always wondering never knowing for sure. I decided right then and there.... I cant live in fear. Cystic Fibrosis has come SO FAR in the past 20 years and is only getting more and more advanced. New medicine is being tested, new studies are being done Tiara has potential for an AMAZING LIFE and that's what I should expect. When I go to the clinic they say prepare for her to do everything normal kids do. She can dance, she can cheer, she can read, write, run play soccer what ever it is she wants to do. We may have challenges sometimes and she may get sick but we will take that as it comes. If I try to keep her in a bubble and "protect" her from what I think I can she will miss out on so much life. So I have decided to take it a day at a time not worry about the next day or the future and let this little girl enjoy life! I don't want to miss out on a single thing because I am  scared. So I am doing my best to shut the devil out shut out the fear and trust in god that things will be as they should! She is such a beautiful, happy baby you would never know anything is even wrong with her so I will soak up every minute, enjoy every milestone, every smile, kiss, hug, etc. This little girl is so strong she already rolled over for the first time yesterday. I can hardly believe it! I am so thankful for her life. She is amazing and brings such joy to our lives. Please pray with me that I can live in the moment and not worry about the future because this girl is going to live a long, healthy life!! I will continue to pray every day and just be thankful for the now and what we have. It doest mean the devil wont try to creep in but I will do my best to kick him out! They saying of one of my blog friends says it the best ... "come what may and love it." and that's just what I plan to do. So live in the now, hug your kids tight and let them know they are loved. Whats not to love about this beautiful, smiling, precious face??? 

Fathers Day 2013!!!

I am so thankful for the fathers I have in my life. My dad and I havent always been the closest but the last few years we have gotten closer and my kids have gotten close to him which I really love. They love their grandpa!! I am thankful to Layne. He is one amazing daddy an he works very hard but still finds time to play hard a well. He is so sweet with Tiara and loves to wrestle around with the boys. I couldnt ask for a better daddy. Laynes dad passed away before we got married but he was one amazing man from all of the stories I have heard. He would do anything for anyone I really wish I had the chance to meet  him! This Fathers Day was nice. We started out the morning with egg sandwhiches which are one of Laynes favorites, the boys gave Layne their gifts ad then we took it easy for a while. We headed to church and then once it was done headed over to Laynes sisters house for a BBQ. My dad joined in on the BBQ fun which was nice so that we could be together. We spent a few hours there then headed home for the wresting paper view which is one of Laynes most favorite things to do. It was such a fun day celebrating the men in our lives who deserve it the most!!

Schools Out For Summer!!!

Another school year down. The boys are growing up way to super fast!! Daxton graduated the 2nd grade and Stefon the 1st on Thursday. They learned so much and made lots of friends. They had some truly amazing teachers who loved them, taught them and were so patient. I really couldn't have asked for better teachers this year. The boys got their final report card and had amazing grades.I am so proud of both of them! Now its time for summer. Lots of fun in the sun and family stuff planned I cant wait!! Bring on the heat and the fun!! I love Summer time!

2 months....

This past month has FLOWN by!! I cant believe Tiara is already 2 months old!!! This month was an exciting one! Tiara has found her hands. She loves to use them to grab at toys and at her brothers, loves to try to such on them and rubs her eyes. It is so stinking cute it  melts my heart every time she does it. There have been a lot of first for her... her first road trip, first mini vacation, first trip to the City Creek Mall with our friends that we already miss!! She is holding her head up great, follows people around the room and turns when she hears voices especially the ones she knows. She is starting to coo at us and we've even had a few laughs. She thinks her brothers are hilarious!!! Its so fun to watch them interact they love that she is starting to interact back!! She loves her bottle, binky, being wrapped up, her swing, bouncy chair, play mat and cuddling with mommy and daddy. She loves being held up on our shoulders and loves to give kisses she also loves dancing with mommy!!.  She is tolerating her baths and lotion rubs down more all though they are still not her favorite thing and the one thing she hates is being alone when she is awake! If she watches you walk out of a room and no one else is there she freaks out. But go back in and she is settled right down!! She is still wearing 0-3 month clothes, size 1 diapers and lots of accessories :). Her feet are to skinny for shoes still which is killing me because I have a ton geared up and ready for her. Tiara is now 9 lbs. 14 oz. which is the 27% for weight which is a HUGE improvement over last month. They want her to stay over the 20% so we are doing well getting her to gain weight. She is a long skinny thing though she is now 23 inches which is 75% and her head is in the 60% which is great. This baby is an AMAZING sleeper. At night she is going any where from 6.5 -  7 hours straight with out waking up for a bottle. I always get nervous and wake myself up after about 5 hours to make sure she is still breathing. I'm a little crazy but cant ever be to sure. She is still sleeping in our room in the rock and play it is the most amazing thing ever. Its perfect size it lays her up at an angle and is very safe. I love, love, love it!!  We visited the Cystic Fibrosis clinic again on Monday and they are pleased with her weight gain and length growth. Her labs are all looking good and her lungs are still clear. Its always a relief to have a good visit up there. We go again July 1st to see how things are coming along. For now we will still give her the enzymes to help her process her food and her vitamins. Its a small price to pay to keep this little girl healthy! We are soaking in every single minute of this little love. Every day I am thanking god for giving her to us and allowing us to keep her for another day. Each day is a gift and we aren't taking a single one for granted. She is a true blessing to our family and we all just love and adore her. We've forgotten what it was like before she joined our family its like shes been here forever. The love we have for her is so strong she is a great touch as the final addition to our little family. One other thing I have to note when we sit on the couch that has Kaels pictures above it she stares and she smiles. Is like she knows him and can see him here. It makes my heart melt. I wish she could talk to us and tell us if she was able to play in heaven with him before she came down. I am just certain they were good friends before he let her go. Here's to another month of happiness and growing. We love you so much baby girl!!

Memorial Day

( Yes I am a nut and bought a flower arrangement that said Dad for Kaels grave it was a major oops)

This Memorial Day was a good one spent with family and friends. On Friday we headed up to Wyoming t stay with Layne brother for a few days to spend time with family and take the kids shooting. The boys have been dying to go since last fall and Landon got his own gun now so we decided it was perfect timing (dont fear we taught all of the boys about gun safety first and they had full supervision the whole time!!). Tiara was a champ on the drive there and back and I would say did very well for her fist little vacation away from home. It was great to spend time with Rich the boys love him so much. We had a BBQ one night and watched fun movies and went to this really yummy restaurant for breakfast one of the mornings it was such a fun trip. We came back home Sunday morning since Daxton had the prayer in Primary and Landon had the scripture. It was cute seeing them do their little parts. That night we went to a friends house to hang out and have another BBQ. Monday we visited the cemetery it always amazes me how beautiful it is on Memorial Day. There are thousands of flowers, flags, so much love that can be felt. It was nice to visit with Kael as a family as well as my grandpa who served in the war, my grandma, my brother and my aunts grave. Its a beautiful time to reflect on life and the reason for the holiday. We made sure to teach the boys the reason for the day. We decided to go out for dinner and the boys choose a place called Ichiban. Stefon picked it because he wanted sushi ( smart kid :)..) and Daxton and Landy choose it because they love the chicken there. It was really a great weekend spent with the ones we love most!!

CHAMPS!!

The boys final flag football game was on Tuesday and their team the Spartans swept the season. They went 8-0. They never lost a game, played well together and never gave up. They had an awesome coach who was very thorough, resilient and perfect with the kids. They had such a fun time and learned so stinking much. They boys both got flags several times, did many kick offs ran the ball and passed the ball during the games. It really was a fun sport to watch. I cant wait to see what they decide to do next. I am one proud mama!!

Landons preschool graduation

Little Landon graduated from preschool on Monday. It was so stinkin cute they had a little presentation and got their diplomas and then were able to bounce around for hours at a fun place called Jump N Bounce. His little preschool class was so cute he had a great time this year. Its amazing to me he is almost 4 and has 1 year of school behind him. These kids are growing up to fast!! Congrats Landy we are so super prou of you!!