25 Days of Giveaways!!

Hello there to my fellow BLM's I know this time of year is very hard and trying and can take a whole lot out of you!! There is a sweet lady who is doing a thing called 25 days of giveaways!! Last year I won a blanket which the sweet lady giving it away embroidered it with Kaels name. I treasure it, it stays in our room where we can see it every day. I love it so much! Since this gift brought me so much joy I decided that I was going to join in this year and giveaway on one of the days!! Im so EXCITED! I have never done a giveaway on my blog so this will be the first time ever! My day is on the 11th so make sure that you check back in and enter. I love the thing I am giving away!! It makes me smile and I hope itll bring someone peace! Anywho I hope youll check out her blog meet her precious babies in heaven and then participate in the other blogs who are also doing giveaways. Its meant to make this hard hard season not quite so difficult!! Wishing you all Happy Holidays and please dont forget to stop back on the 11th for my giveaway!! Hugs to all my BLM's!!

Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving has come and gone. How does it seem time goes by so quickly sometimes and yet so slowly during others? I sure wish I could figure that out! Anywho Thanksgiving was nice. We slept in a bit, watched some football and then headed to Kaels grave to decorate and remember what were are all thankful for afterwards we headed over to my mother in laws for Thanksgiving dinner. It was yummy!! We all ate way to much as usual and had a good low key dinner. We stayed for a few hours playing, visiting and eating. I sure miss Kael extra on these days. I try to envision what he'd look like and what he'd be doing as a little 3 year old boy. Its hard to see others that have all of their kids and ones that have ones around the age Kael would be it stings a little and makes my mind wander! After dinner we headed home for the 49ers football game and then headed to Walmart for some black Friday shopping. We got everything we needed and headed home for the night. It was a wonderful day to remember all that we are thankful for and a great day to be with the ones that we love!

Id be crazy if I wasnt thankful for him.....

These last few days I cant get you off of my mind... Ive been thinking about how much you taught me, how much fun we had, how scared I was, how I know not to take anything for granted now. How much your daddy and your brothers miss you and that were not the only ones who think of you. I need to get out to your grave and decorate it! We have lots of Thanksgiving things to put out! I love you so much Kael and am so thankful you chose us. How did we get so lucky to be blessed by something as AMAZING as you? I rethink about everything that happened, you were so wanted, so loved... so missed! I see other kids your age and try to envision you and what you'd be doing. What trials would you still have, I just picture your older brothers helping me take care of you how sweet and tender they were with you! I love you so much sweet boy. Thank you for being you, for being so strong, heroic and hanging on as long as you could. Your sweet memories take me back and put me back in those days. I'm trying hard to remember only the good, not the bad crappy stuff. Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning for me now. What a day to remind us to be thankful rather than busy in our every day lives. I love you to the moon and back sweet boy! What I wouldn't give for a few more minutes, a few more days. I'm thankful that I know your in gods hands though. I pray you have the biggest feast in heaven! I love you to the moon and back sweet boy! I am so thankful for YOU!! You made me a better person and I strive to continue to be better every day. Happy Thanksgiving Kael!

The Golden Sky Blogfest!!

Hi friends!! I had a sweet lady comment on my blog a while back about a blogfest that she was doing to honor her son who would be 9 years old today. He passed away and his mom is doing a great thing in his honor. So on today the day which is Prematurity Awareness Day I am writing this post to honor him as well as my sweet Kael.  Oh how that sweet boy changed my life. We have many memories together and I cherish them all!! I wouldnt trade 1 of them for anything. The one memory that makes me smile the most is when we were able to bring Kael home for the first time. I was so excited to get him out of the hospital. Walking through the hospital doors to bring him home was so surreal! I remember sitting in back the whole way home excited and scared to death at the same time. July 24th, 2008. Seeing his little face knowing he was ours and that wed finally be home all together was AMAZING! Kael was born at 34 weeks he was so little yet perfect. He had almost doubled his size by the time his 4 months in the hospital were over. I used to joke with the nurses that hed walk out of the hospital by the time he was done in the NICU. I so appreciate every doctor, nurse, therapist, voulnteer who helped us on our journey. What they did for Kael and our family was out of this world. They became like family to us! I sure love that little boy and miss him like crazy 5 months and 3 weeks just wasnt enough. Can you imagine all of the things wed be doing now? I read on another BLM's blog yesterday that the day her son passed away she was happy for him yet so sad for her... that rings so true for me! Im glad that Kael is no longer in pain, that now he runs, jumps and flies free with out all of those tubes, pain and misery I just wish it was easier on us that are left behind. Our hearts are broken apart and we are slowly trying to build them back together. One day at a time some times one minute to the next. What a journey we are on but I wouldnt ever change not having Kael he has taught me things Id never of learned on my own I am sure. With that being said... Happy Prematurity day to all those family out there with children in heaven, children with disabilites, and children who were born to early but pulled through. What a journey you have all been. Thank you for your love, lessons and sharing your lives with me!!!

Im posting a link below to the blog hop... I sure hope it works Im not very good at this link up thing... but Ill give it my best shot :)

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Todays Thankfuls...

Have I ever told you how thankful I am for music? It can be so healing and powerful. Certain songs remind me of each of my kids, remind me of our wedding day, our funny songs, our dancing songs. Recently I have had a few friends send me this link to a beautiful you tube video Beautiful Heartbreak it is one of those powerful words, beautiful songs oh how I love it. There are also songs that sting when I hear them but I cant listen to them enough. Overall I just love music!! I am also thankful for this blog and having the ability to read other blogs. Meeting all of the amazing people I have and having that additional support has meant so much! Your comments make me so happy I love that people will take time out of their day to read my blog. You all are AMAZING! I'm sure thankful for my cell phone which I feel like I would go crazy with out... I know its insane but it allows me to check in whenever I need to and talk to people I haven't in a very long time!! I cant believe Thanksgiving is already almost here... can you believe it? Have you been keeping your thankful list? I'm sure glad I have been its kept me grounded and reminds me amongst the hard and sad times I have plenty to be thankful for!! Click this link to hear the amazing song Beautiful Heartbreak by Hillary Weeks you wont be sorry you clicked on it.. its AMAZING!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk&noredirect=

Thankful for him....

I am so thankful for my hubby. He is so good to us and works so hard for our family. He has been my rock when I was crumbling and is the best daddy a  kid could ask for!! This past weekend his company had their annual retreat this year we went to Reno. They put us up at this awesome hotel and fed us yummy food and drinks the whole time! Friday we shopped around, gambled a little ate to much yummy food and had a get together with all of the company. On Saturday we headed out to Lake Tahoe to drive around the lake. It is so beautiful this time of year. We stopped for a few pictures and I wrote Kaels initials in the snow :) it was so perfect. Saturday afternoon they had a bowling tournament our team took 5th out of 26! Not bad for a couple of am mature bowlers. That night they had their big dinner and had a hypnotist come do a show. It was very entertaining!! Sunday we slept in until 10 I couldn't believe it, its been FOREVER since we have been able to sleep in that long! It was nice we woke up, got ready had a yummy buffet breakfast and watched alot of football, we went and got the kids souvenirs, gambled a little more and then headed to the airport. We watched our team the 49ers win at the airport and then headed home. It was such a nice weekend. A fun little get away for Layne and us. We are so thankful to our families who helped watch the kids while we were gone. They take such good care of them for us!!

Daxton's tooth

Oh my how I cant believe Daxton is growing up so much!! He lost his first tooth on Thursday at school. I was so lucky Thursday is the day I volunteer in his class and I happened to be there when it fell out! How cool it was to watch his excitement as he lost his first tooth! He is such a sweet boy. He couldn't wait to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy to come! What a big kid he is becoming. I sure love being his mommy!

THANKFUL for these guys!!!!!

Oh how I am so thankful for my kiddos! They light up my life, they are funny, strong, free willed, good at school, good at sports, loving, kind hearted, they aren't scared to talk about Kael or  mention his name, they always want to do things for him and to remember him it does my heart good. Now don't get me wrong they aren't perfect but no kid ever is and sometimes they try my patience but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. This morning we went to their school for early morning reading and doughnuts. They are getting so smart. I love watching them read and listen. I just love every bit of them! I'm so thankful that they are mine!!

Thankful Part 2....

Today I am thankful for many things. Ill list some since I am a few days behind from the last time I posted about thankful! I'm thankful for a job that allows me to be a huge part in my kids lives still, I never miss a party, parent teacher conference, first day, program etc. It means alot that I have that flexibility. I am thankful that my kids are such good friends. Daxton and Stefon love each other so much they ask to share a room the other night I went to check on them and they were sound asleep in the same bed cuddled right up next to each other. They are the best buds and I love it. I am thankful that we have enough money to care for their needs they never go with out food, shoes, clothes toys etc. They are able to play sports and have fun parties with friends. I am thankful that I have good enough health to be a big part in their sports, classes etc. I am thankful for good friends, the ones who have stuck by me through the good and the bad when you go through tragedy you really find out who your friends are. I am so thankful for blogs. I have met some AMAZING people though blog land it had helped me through some dark times. I am thankful for my marriage. The good, the bad it has made us such strong people. I love my hubby more than I can explain. As weird as it sounds I am thankful for cemeteries. I love that I have a place to go to "be" with Kael, thankful that I can decorate it and still make him apart of things and thankful that my kids still remember, talk and want to do things for Kael. There are many more things. I will save them for my next list. Its great to sit back and remember what I am thankful for. So many good things to be happy about!

Anxiety............

The last shirt Kael wore

We took pictures in this outfit

One of my favs of Kaels

Frog jammies of course

Our superstar

Hero it fits so well



One of Kaels favorite blankets

So these past few weeks Ive been going through some serious anxiety with the boys. I'm not sure what it is... I guess I just see what can go wrong, remember what did go wrong and hope that it doesn't happen again. I had been doing much better not being so over protective, thinking positive, and just going with the flow but these past few weeks haunt me!! I have the need to check on the kids every night, most nights a few times a night, I check on Landon to make sure hes breathing, I just sit and stare and thank God that I have him! I go down to check on Daxton and Stefon thankful that they are here, how they  help me pull through so happy that they are the best of friends! I don't know whats come over me but its making me looney. I get these horrible thoughts and it takes all that's in me to push them away. I feel so crazy but know in time I'm sure it will ease up again. Ill go back to only once per night but in the mean time poor kids probably think im totally insane!! Have any of you gone through this phase in and out? Is it normal for it to come and go? I don't know!! On another note on Saturday we were going through the garage to get our Thanksgiving decorations out. We pulled out all of the bins and were going through them.. guess what we found. A bin that had a ton of Kaels clothes, blankets and bath towels. I had given them all to my sister shortly after Kael passed away as it was to hard to have right in hand, a friend of hers is working on making them all into blankets for Layne, the boys and I but I guess one of her bins got mixed up with ours when they moved in with us. It really took me back. I went through a few  and totally lost it. I decided it not the right time to go through them as it was a happy time with the kids decorating for the upcoming holiday. So this morning I decided to go through them. I took them out one by one, most of them never washed from the last time Kael had worn them. I held them remembered where we were when he wore them last, what we were doing, ah the memories flooded in! How sweet they are. I am glad that some of them came back. Its amazing what a little blanket, outfit or jammies can remind you of. I wish I could just lay in bed with them all day and reminisce. To much going on for that but the 45 mins I had this morning will have to tie me over.  I cant wait for these blankets to be done so that I can have the memories every day!! What a great sister I have to work on them for us. Anyways lots of things running through my head this may not all make sense but I had to get it out! My next post will be things I'm thankful for I promise... 

THANKFUL.....

So I realize I am starting this a few days late but I know I need to do this.. I have been in a little funk lately and need to remember all that I am grateful for! So for today since I am behind  I will be adding a few things. Thanks to all my fellow bloggers who are already doing this that pushed me to do it as well. I'm hoping this will get me out of the jealous, poor pitty me that Ive been in for a few days. So here it goes. Of course I am thankful for my hubby and kids. They mean the world to me, have brought me through so much and have taught me so much. With out them I would be no where. I am also thankful for having a job that is flexible that I can be a huge part in my kids lives and activities still, I am thankful for INSURANCE it has saved us so many times we would be BROKE with out it!! I am thankful for heaters.. I freeze all of the time and the heaters help me out :). I am also thankful for HOODIES  can I just tell you that I LOVE them. When its getting cold but not cold enough for a heater I throw them on to keep me warm. They are cozy and put a smile on my face. I would be crazy if I didn't tell you that I'm thankful for M&M's the peanut butter kind is my favorite.. There is just something about a package of good peanut butter M&M's and a Diet Coke that can turn a bad day into better. So this just starts my list. I will be doing this every few days to remind me that I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. So tell me what are you thankful for? Are you keeping a list?

Kaels Halloween

Yesterday we headed out to Kaels grave to deck it out for Halloween. We had witches, pumpkins, ghosts, skeletons flowers and a puppy dog to add in. Each boy put something on and helped to make it "perfect" as they call it. Our little cousin Aiden got a pumpkin to add and wrote a little note on it as well. We sat for a while and chatted as it was a beautiful day!! Landon kissed the puppy several times before we could leave and kissed the headstone as well. This is something that hes been doing each time we go for a while now. I love it!! The other day he saw a picture on my phone of Kael and with out hesitation he said baby Kael hes happy... oh how I hope hes right!! I'm glad we live close enough to decorate. It does my heart some good to know that I can still do "things" for him. Even though their not the things id like to be doing. Happy Halloween Kael I hope it was an amazing one in heaven!

Halloween!!!!

Our Halloween was full of fun and busy!!! Saturday the boys had a trunk or treat, soccer game, then we went to Gardner Village for the witch hunt, riding ponies, taking a tractor ride, prizes and fun, then to the Pumpkin Patch and home for a yummy pizza dinner and to carve pumpkins. Monday the boys had a Halloween Parade at their school, we decorated Kaels grave, I helped in both of their Halloween parties ( I was the main room mom for Stefons), then we had trick or treating at my work and then all over to families houses and neighborhoods. It was so busy but tons of fun!! For Stefons party being the head room mom I've been planning the party all month. I was so stressed out seeing as I've only helped before but never been in charge it went off with out a hitch!! We had the kids decorate Halloween bags, cookies, played bingo and ghost bowling and then had Halloween coloring pages. The kids all brought treats to share as well which filled their bags chuck full!! In Daxtons class we made pumpkins, played bingo and a matching game, made skeletons and also decorated pumpkins. His class had a lot  of moms fer to help which was awesome!! Both parties were fun and very successful. All in all Halloween was so fun this year. Lots of fun memories made and priceless moments.

Pumpkin Patch

Over the weekend we went to the pumpkin patch. It was such a blast to see all the fun things, look for the perfect pumpkins and watch the kids have fun!! The boys each picked their own and then they picked one together to put on Kaels grave. They also found a ghost and a witch on sticks to put on Kaels grave as well. So sweet when they think of him!! When we got home we carved the pumpkins and put them on the porch. Even though Landons pumpkin was little he had to cut the top off and dig into the goo!! Lots of fun and family memories!