Family Pictures

About a week ago my friend met us at Wheeler Farm to do our family pictures. She did a great job we love them so much. Taking pictures with out all of our kids here on earth is a toughie for me. I hate that Kael isn't able to be here for them so last year I got an idea from my friend to use a bear or something in his place. It was a perfect idea. We had built each of our boys a build a bear before they were born and gotten their heartbeats put inside of the bear after each of their sonograms to find out their gender. We have Kaels out so we can see it daily. I try to be careful when I push the button because I want to be able to hear his heart beat for as long as possible but I love seeing that bear every day. So included in our pictures is Kaels special bear. It helps ease the pain some and makes the gap not quite as big.

A little trip...

So I just got back from  a "business trip" from California. My work selected me to go to this special conference in Irvine due to my good results from work and someone they look to as an aspiring leader. It felt so good to be selected and to be able to go. The conference was amazing! They paid for the whole vacation. They put us up in the Hyatt hotel. King size beds, pool, hot tub name it we had it. The food was amazing, the company amazing and the things I learned fabulous! It really let me sit back and think about where I am today and where I would like to be. I learned a whole lot about myself over the past 3 days. What an amazing experience I got I am so honored and thankful that they selected me. I love flying something about being in the clouds ever since Kael passed away makes me feel closer to him... crazy I'm sure but something I find to be true... any how the trip was great but I was glad to get home to my hubby and cute kidlets running around!! Thanks Verizon what an amazing experience!

Daxton Climbs Higher

I am so proud of Daxton!! He got an award at school on Wednesday called climbing higher. His teacher nominated him for this award for always working hard and improving on reading. It is amazing to me how much Daxton has already learned this year!! I am blown away at how well he is doing. They've been in school 9 weeks he has had 9, 100% on his spelling tests, hes gone up almost 2 reading levels already and does great in math as well. This is his 3rd time being recognized by the school. The 1st two times he got to go to the principals office for good behavior and was able to get a treat and then this time he was recognized with the principal for the Climbing Higher Award. I am over the top that so soon into the year both of my boys have now received this award!! Way to go Daxton I am so proud of you and am glad that you are my son!!

Oct 15th

Oct 15th what an amazing day filled with love and hope. So many BL families pulling together to remember all of the babies gone to soon!! I love that there is a candle burning somewhere at all times around the world that day to honor our babies and to raise awareness. I thought alot about all the amazing families I have met, sad that we met in this way but so happy that I did meet you all and have been able to learn and grow from each of you. So many examples and so much love spread around. I prayed for each of you that day and hoped that you could all feel your babies near. I have a special place for each of you in my heart and think of your sweet babies often. Thank you for all of your love and support!! I love each and everyone of you!!

So much fun

Outdoor soccer is over for this year and indoor started on Saturday. I'm so excited we kept 6 of the 8 kids on our team which is awesome since they've played together for a while now. I love being the coach and watching the kids learn and grow!! So much fun. Layne and I co-coach which the kids think is great!! Out outdoor team finished the season 6 wins 2 losses most of the wins shut out games. It was so fun for the kids to do so well. Our first indoor game we won 19-8 huge victory! Daxton and Stefon both scored goals during outdoor and on Sat Dax scored 5 goals Stefon got 2 assists. I love watching the smiles and happy eyes when they do well!! Loved outdoor and am super stoked for indoor!! Soccer is really becoming my thing!

Kaels angel day celebration.

Tuesday was a day spent honoring Kael. The older 2 boys had school and Layne had to work so part of it was just Landon and I. I watched Kaels movie a few times, went through his box of things, went and decorated his grave and cuddled with my Kael pillow for a while. When Layne got off of work we went over to his moms house and had family over and did a big balloon launch. We had treats after and reminisced about Kael. It was a nice day I fought through lots of tears, the knot in the back of my throat and only lost my composure about 3 times ;0). When we got home that night and got the boys in bed Layne and I talked for a real long time. We sure miss you Kael. Daddy even cried which is far a few in between which totally breaks my heart. I wish I could take away all of his pain. Id rather shield it all on my own. I hate that dad and your brothers know this pain I wish it could be easier but we just work through it. On some of your balloons we wrote the names of babies gone to soon 48 names which I will write below. Its sad Ive met so many BLM's and families in the same boat. It breaks my heart so many know it. What great friendships I've made and what strong, great people I've met. I am a better person for knowing these people. They teach me to be stronger, kinder more giving and patient. I love each of them and hold a special place for them in my heart. I hope you felt loved on your special angel day! We kissed your balloons I hope you caught them and felt our love!! I miss you like crazy and would give the world to have you back. I know that you are in a better place through and try to dream of the heaven you are in. Hug those other babies in heaven and family that's there that we love and miss to. You are my shining star sweet boy!! Hugs and kisses love always mommy!!

Babies remembered:

McKenzie, Jonas, Genesis, Cara, Preslee, Pierce, Carleigh, Cora, Janessa, Meredith, Jeremy, Jenna, Peyton, Riley, Laken, Aiden, Landry, Beckett, Hope, Calypso, Charlotte, Gage, Julius, Olivia, Ellie, Kurtis, Mina, Layla, Shannon, Emma, Chase, Jordan, Owen, Madelyn, Harvey, Micah, Lily, Kennedy, Brandon, Leila, Freya, Joseph, Jack

Stefon Climbs Higher...

I love this new school my kids are in this year. When we moved we moved into a new school district and this one sees so ahead of the game. They are all about education but also about recognition and making the kids feel good. Stefon got recognized by his teacher and his principal on Wednesday for whats called Climbing Higher. Each teacher recognizes 1 child a month that has gone above and beyond what they expect in class and at school. Stefon got to go to the library for a little program to get his award, be put on the school tv, and get a prize from the Principal. I am so proud of Stefon for doing such a good job at school and being a good student. It makes my heart happy to see my kids succeed. And it really makes me happy to see Stefon so proud of the work he has accomplished. I sure love this kid with all of my heart!! Way to go Stefon!

3 years gone by.....

Wow.... seriously I cant believe that its been 3 years. Time moves so quickly and yet some days so slow. I miss you more today than ever. I'm not sure if its the big time gap and that my memory isn't as good as it used to be or if the longing is just so much to hold you, kiss you and smell you one more time. I want to live on your legacy today and make you proud. We are making this day all about you. I went through your box today looked at your tags, rattles, toys, poster, pictures etc. You are such a sweet boy. I watched your video 2 times already today. I'm sure it will be many more. Its fun to remember those days, think of you and the time we got to spend together. We will go decorate your grave today, and tonight send many balloons to heaven. I hope you catch them and know that they are sent with love!! Everyone misses you and loves you like crazy. I Hope that I can live on your legacy in a way that makes you proud. I strive to be more perfect like you daily!! You were so strong, innocent, peaceful, love able straight up AMAZING. You taught me so much in those short 5 months, more than I could ever have imagined. You are still teaching me things today. How to be more patient,more giving, show more love. I cant wait until the day we get to meet again. I have the biggest hug ready, a million kisses like we used to do and so many stories to tell. I cant wait to hear your stories too!! Daxton asked me the other day "Mom why did Kael have to die so soon, its not fair." he thinks of you often and misses you. I cant wait until Landon is old enough to understand so we can teach him of your legacy. Watch over your brothers, keep them safe help me love them in the best way possible!! I hope your close today, Id love a little sign and to feel you near. I miss you like crazy bud and am doing my best. Send lots of love to dad today. He is sad, struggling and reliving that morning which is so hard. Help me to help him and be there for him today. He needs your strength and love. Catch our balloons they will be filled with kisses!! I love you today, tomorrow and always. Thank you for blessing us with your life and for teaching us all the things that you have! You are a blessing that we could never have hoped for and will never forget. I love you to the moon and back!!! Love always mommy!!!

If youd like to view Kaels movie its at http://everylifehasastory-home.blogspot.com/

A special Game...

So this weekend was the annual BYU vs. Utah State game.. every since Kael passed away this is a bitter sweet one for me. The 2 schools play on Friday so they can participate in conference for the church during the weekend. This is the only football game Kael was ever able to attend. I am so grateful we took him with us to that game and made it a family night. I will cherish those memories forever. That night was perfect the weather was good, the boys were well behaved, Kael seemed to be feeling ok and wasn't fussy at all. We had all of his gear and were ready for the night to start. The game was amazing BYU smoked Utah State and afterwards we thought it would be cool to go over to the locker room and take pictures with all of the players and our family. Oh how precious those pictures are. We drove home thinking all was well and that Kael did amazing. Oh how we were wrong. I am so glad that he was so strong and stuck it out for us so that we could all go together for one game before he passed, having those memories are irreplaceable. So here we are now 3 years later and in Provo for the game. Kael is in heaven but I cant help but think of him the whole night!! We decided to take Landon with us even though it was a late game because he was begging us to come. He behaved so well. I couldn't believe how much he loved it and how excited he was. I got choked up a few times tears in my eyes fighting back the wallowing in the back of my throat and enjoying the game. Landon was extra snugly and for that I am grateful. I needed him Friday night and he was a gem. I am so lucky to have these boys and Layne in my life. I cherished every moment of this game just like I did 3 years ago. I prayed that Kael was in that stadium with us.. I'm sure he was and that's why I was able to be so strong. I picture his sweet face what it would be like today and pray to Heavenly Father that he is holding him tight, singing him songs, rocking him and caring for him until I hopefully get the chance someday. Luckily BYU pulled the game out in the last minute and won it was amazing!! We had lots of fun and built more family memories!!