All for you.....

So Kael we did it.... The Sharing Place Race went off with out a hitch!! We had a much better turn our than expected and I'm so proud of daddy for all of the hard work he did. We were running around like mad the last week but it was all worth it in the end!! We ended up with 155 runners and we raised $3,500 for the Sharing Place. Everyone seemed to have a good time, we raffled off 31 prizes to the runners and we gave away medallions for the top 3 runners and everyone that participated got a finisher ribbon!! Daddy and I have agreed to do it all again next year!! Now that we know what were doing it should be a bit easier :). Your brothers loved running again, they put your picture on the memory board and wrote your name, at the end they insisted on sending all of the balloons to you in heaven. They know that you love balloons and want you to know that they are thinking of you to!! Daxton ran so fast, he left us all in the dust he was the 10th runner in. Hes getting so big, strong and independent!! It was tons of work but tons of fun and it felt good doing another thing in your honor!! We couldn't be more proud to do these things to spread your legacy and to make you proud!! We love you so much and miss you like crazy!! What we wouldn't do to have you back... since we cant well continue to do good in your name!! Love and miss you buddy! I hope you were running with us all along the way. I pictured you standing there on the podium with your brothers handing the check over to the sharing place... oh what a sweet thing thatd of been. Love you to the moon and back sweet boy!!

Fathers Day 2011 !!

Fathers Day was a good one this year. We spent the day as a family and had lots of fun. I made Layne a yummy breakfast in the morning and we watched some movies, we built Lego's together and played games, we let Layne sleep in and take a long nap since he has a cold and was feeling a little under the weather and then we went to Layne's family for their Fathers Day dinner. My dad came along to dinner so that we could spend some time with us!! After a few hours there with visiting, eating way to much and the kids playing we headed home for one of Layne's favorite things the Wrestling Paper View. We all watched that together and had tons of fun!! The kids and I gave Layne a gun safe and money towards a new gun to go in it. Layne has really gotten into guns and hunting so that's what we thought he'd really love!! I also helped the boys make a tee shirt for Layne with their hand prints and I drew a heart in the middle with Kaels name on it. All in all it was a really nice day and a fun family weekend!! I am so glad to have Layne and for the great example he is to our boys. I am so happy for the love that he gives to them and me all the time. I love sitting around and watching him play with the boys and hearing them giggle as the wrestle and play. He makes us all such happy people!!! I am also thankful for my dad. He and I have come along way over the years.. hes not perfect but he does try and for that I am grateful!! I love him and am glad that we are able to spend time together and love that he plays such a special part in my boys life!!! I hope you all had a great Fathers Day weekend as well!!

Stefon turns 5!!!

Holy moly I cant believe Stefon is 5!! He has grown up so much this last year. Hes getting so smart and much more patient and kind. He is so sweet and wanting to share and give to his brothers and cousins all the time. During his birthday date the whole time he wanted to get prizes for his brothers and make sure that they were included. I love the little guy that Stefon is becoming!! He cant wait to start "big boy" school in just a few weeks. For his date Stefon choose to go to the park, go to Wingers, go the Jump Around Utah and then to Toys R Us to pick a few presents. After all that we went to Grandma Rushworths for dinner and hang out time!! It was such a fun time!! On Saturday we had his birthday party he invited lots of family and friends and we had lunch, batman cake and ice cream, opened presents and then we had Kirby the Clown come for entertainment for the kids. He was so good made some amazing balloons and stayed for an hour making sure all the kids got balloons and had a good time. It was a very fun party with lots of fun memories that were made. Im so glad that Stefon is ours and that he is such a fun, loving, smart, kind little boy. I love him so much and am so proud of the amazing little guy he has become!! Happy Birthday buddy!! I hope it was GREAT!!

REGRETS....

Do you ever have regrets.... I try not to but I do have some. Mostly my regrets are with Kael... I wish I would have videod him, so that I could see him moving his little arms, legs, head. All I have now of his movements are his ultrasound videos. I wish I would have allowed the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation take his pictures, before and after.. the hospital offered it to us when he was sick and in the NICU but because we were hoping for the best.. we thought he would live longer... we said no... I wish I would have been there more... with having to work still and having 2 munckins at home still it was hard to be at the hospital all of the time, I was there when they were doing surgeries, I would hold him hours before and after wishing before that everything went well and being thankful after that he made it through another surgery but I couldn't be there all of the time. Layne and I would switch off mornings and nights and then wed go on the weekends and take the boys to visit but we couldn't hold him every minute, we couldn't kiss him goodnight every night.. I wish I could have been better. While at home the boys and I would play with him, I took him out to see the sun, feel the grass and play feel the wind... I wish I would have done it more. I wish in the middle of the night I wouldn't have been so tired and that I would have held him longer after giving him his feeds through his g-tube but sometimes I would put him back in the crib right away... why didn't I hold him longer? Why didn't I read him more stories, why didn't I take more pictures, I wasted so much good time... I thought I was doing my best back then thinking wed have tomorrow to hold him, kiss him more and snuggle him tight but now I kick myself for not taking full advantage of what we had, the time we had why didn't I take just a few more minutes. I look back to the pictures of the night before he passed away.. how did I not know that he would die, right there in the crib next to us that night.. he looked pale but I didn't realize it then.. I was so happy he got to go to the BYU game with us and that we were all together as a family doing something we loved that I missed it... Why didn't I see those signs... could we have done something different... Ill never know... I wish I did but I don't. How I not wake up sooner to check on him? How did I not know the next morning at 4 am when I left to take my mom to the hospital and kissed him goodbye.. how did I not notice then? Why didn't something tell me not to go..... Layne says that everything happens for a reason... it was better that he was the one to find him gone rather than me but I feel horrible that he had to find him on his own.. Ill never forgive myself for that... I should have been there to hold him right away to take away Layne's pain but it took me 30 freaking minutes to get back home from the hospital once I got the news.. I flew like batman.. I was driving so stinking fast, I didn't care what it took. I was going to get there come hell or high water... so many regrets... how did I not know??? I love you baby boy!! I hope its as sunny in heaven as its been here lately. I hope your flying high, swimming, running free, eating yummy food, playing, laughing, and being care free. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you!!! Much love always to the moon and back!! Mommy xoxoxo

Dax's 6 year old pics / Stefons 5 year old pics.

On Friday my friend Amber met the boys and I at Gardner Village to take Daxton and Stefons birthday pictures. Dax turned 6 a few weeks back and Stefon will turn 5 tomorrow. They turned out so adorable!! I love them all. The boys behaved really well so that they would be able to go to the candy store and pick out a few treats when they were done. Amber did a great job posing them and getting them to smile!! Thanks Amber for doing such a great job!! If you want to check out her photography website go here... http://www.timelesscreationsbyasrussell.blogspot.com/ She really did a good job and I am glad to have these pictures done!!

Our weekend...

What a FUN... and I mean FUN weekend!! We had such a good time with family and fun. On Friday Daxton and Stefon had their birthday pics done, we went to Gardner Village and they did such a good job. They got to go to the fudge store after and pick out treats since they did so well. We had a water party outside in the back yard and then a BBQ that night. I love summer for the good old BBQ's!! On Saturday Layne went out with some of his buddies to go shooting.. since Daxton is 6 now Layne bought him his own gun and brought him along. He thought he was the biggest, coolest kid in town!! He had such a great time and such a fun bonding experience with Layne. While they were out shooting I took Landon and Stefon to the zoo. My mom and sisters 2 kids came as well as aunt Lonnie. We had such a blast spent about 4 hours at the zoo and then took the kids to Wendy's for lunch. Landon was tired so we brought him home and my mom stayed with him while my sister and I took Stefon and her 2 kids to see Kung Fu Panda 2. What a cute show it was Stefon loved it!! After the movie we all met up at Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. Daxton was so excited to tell me about shooting and Stefon was so excited to tell Layne about his day. Its so cute the expressions they use when their talking. Sunday we kept it a little more low key, we had a wii party, played baseball in the back yard, went for a walk and chilled at home. After the kids were in bed Layne got treats and ordered no strings attached for us to watch to have some low key, bonding time for he and I. All in all it was such a fun weekend. I sure love my family and am grateful for every one of them!! I love that we are able to build such fun memories and spend so much time together!! Here are some pictures from our fun weekend!!