Vote for SMA

Please go to voteforsma.com!!! Please do it right now today!! Voting ends today and it means 20,000 towards the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation which does research for SMA. Come on it only takes 1 minute!! Please, please do it!! Make sure you pick the little bubble that says Gwendolyn Strong Foundation!! Thanks in advance!!

Our lovely blog award!!!

So I got this sweet blog award nomination from an amazing lady over at survivingmiscarriages.com shes the one who made this sweet dove picture in memory of Kael. I wanted to spread the love. So I am going to nominate 10 blogs that I follow and love to read and let you know why I love them. I have never been given an award before so it was kind of cool. I feel so special today :0) So read check out the below blogs and show them some love to. Here are my 10 in no particular order.

1) kendraandryanwebster.blogspot.com - This lady is so amazing and has done such good in remembrance of her sweet daughter Kenzie.

2) lisaandkevinjones.blogspot.com- Lisa is so positive and has a great outlook on life.

3) simplyamiraclex2.blogspot.com- This sweet lady has such great struggles but has an amazing attitude and puts forward her very best everyday.

4) truelove08.blogspot.com- Lyndee is one of my dearest friends and has an amazing blog. She actually has 3 because she is so talented and involved in so many things.

5) missingjuanito.blogspot.com- Juanitos mommy is so strong and amazing

6) onlyangelsmakethelist.blogspot.com- This sweet mom makes are collections in memory of our babies gone to soon. She has a great outlook on life.

7) sherryrusso.blogspot.com- a mom to twins one who is on earth one who is in heaven she is a very strong amazing woman as well.

8) wyattnathaniel.blogspot.com- a sweet mom who has been through alot but lives for what she believes in.

9) arckids.blogspot.com- This sweet lady has many struggles of her own. She doesn't think of herself though she even took the time to make a tree last year in memory of our son Kael for the festival of trees.

10) heathermohr.blogspot.com- Has been though much sadness but is expecting a sweet rainbow baby and has a great attitude.

CIRCUS!!

So we went on a family date just Layne the kids and I to the circus on Friday. It was their prize for being so good while Layne was out of town for work. It was so much fun!! The kids were glued the whole time! It was over 2 hours long but all 3 boys did great. Landon was laughing and bouncing up and down and kicking his legs, Daxton and Stefon kept saying oh my gosh look at that or laughing at the clowns and asking all kinds of questions about the animals and the tricks and stunts and everything. They laughed so hard, got so excited and were great all night. They got prizes and drinks, popcorn and licorice. It was such a fun night!! Here are a few pictures from our fun!

Still Missing You

I came across this poem a few weeks back and really love it alot... it speaks alot to how I feel.

I still miss you by Damaris Calderon:

Its been sometime, since you've been gone

I thought by now, I would be strong

I think of you, and shed my tears

I wonder who, will still my fears.

Your memories remain, inside my heart

My soul it seems, to be torn apart

You told me secrets, I hold so dear

I only wish, you would be near.

I still miss and love you, cant see you

I wish to hold, and talk with thee

So many things, I could not say

And now you've gone, so far away.

You taught me to, in God believe

You said he would always, take care of me

So take my hand, and guide me there

And save a place, one day to share.

Kael taught me so much in the short time he was here. He still is teaching me things to this very day. I only hope to be as strong as he was as he held on and fought for his little life. I am so thankful he held on as long as he did so we could have some of the memories we have. He was one amazing kid and I thank God every day that we were able to have him. I miss him dearly and love him to the moon and back. I'm trying to talk myself out of crazy thoughts and hold on to the hope that well all be together again some day! Here are a few pictures that some fellow baby loss mamas have made in his memory. The grass name is done by michas mommy you can view her blog at michasgift.blogspot.com, the sweet dragon fly picture is done by Jen, Lillys mom her blog can be viewed at lilyangelinesmommy.blogspot.com. Such sweet ladies to do this for other baby loss mamas. I am so thankful. Loving and missing you everyday sweet Kael. Sending up much love and kisses. Come visit your mama today just send me a little sign. xoxo

ZOO!!

We love the zoo. We go as often as we can. So on Sunday we went up with the boys and my sister, hubby and their kids to spend the afternoon. It was so much fun. Landon is big enough now to see the animals and understand. He kept trying to reach the animals and got so excited kicking his legs and laughing. Daxton and Stefon were asking about each animal and wanting to know what they were called. We of course rode the train and carousel as usual. It was such a great fun family day and I was grateful for it. The zoo often reminds me of Kael because when he was sick and up at the hospital we would take the boys to the zoo and then go visit Kael. The boys picked a stuffed elephant one time for Kael which he kept in his hospital bed with him, we buried it with him so that he had some things to keep him company. As we were driving home I couldn't help but think of him and smile remembering the good times that we had with him. Oh how I love my sweet family. We renewed our season pass so I'm sure well be going up there lots more times again. Here are some pictures from our fun...

Soccer

Yup!! Another season of soccer has started. Since Daxton started Kindergarten we played him up one this time. He did such a great job and is so amazing. Stefon is still on the pre-k team for 1 more round and then well move him up. They both are so fast and amazing. They LOVE soccer and I love watching them. They have grown so much playing over the last 2 years! Its so fun to be a sports mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything else! Here's a few first game pics.

SMA Blog Party!

Today is the first ever of this type of blog party. Here's what I'm asking you to do.... go to VoteForSMA.com and pick the option for The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation. Vote every day from now until Sep 29th to try and get the most votes through the Jimmy Johnson's Samsung Helmet of hope contest. Its very easy I started this today and it took all of 1-2 minutes. Here is why its so important to me!!!

What is SMA?? Spinal Muscular Atrophy.... a disease that kills and makes children's life full of pain and discomfort. There are many mutations some even unknown and some that are worse than others. A few sweet people I have meet through the blog world have SMA babies. One of their babies had SMARD. SMARD is a Spinal Muscular Atrophy with Respiratory Distress. The neurological doctors at Primary Children's thought very strongly that Kaels neuromusuclar condition was a part of this family. Because the gene was mutated they were never able to label it exactly SMARD but were pretty sure he had a string of this horrible disease. It impacted his breathing to the point he couldn't do it on his own. He was required to be intibated or have oxygen at all times. He lived in pain and struggled from the day he was born.

With SMA roughly 1 in 10,000 children are born with this disease. With SMARD roughly 1 in 1,000,000 are born with the disease.

People are working very hard day and night to find a cure for this disease so that no other families have to loose a child in such a heart wrenching way. Please, please vote. It means the world to me and a few of my fellow blogger friends!! $20,000 would be an amazing help to end this horrible disease. Like I said it only takes a few minutes but could impact hundreds of thousands of people. Please help raise awareness and add this link to your blog, facebook whatever just help spread the word!!

Thank you in advance for your votes. If they could find a cure for this it would mean less moms and dads with angel babies, less kids with out their siblings, less grandparents with out grandkids...

Field trip to the park

Stefons class had their first field trip of the year. We went to a nearby park where the kids got to play and have snack time. They all had lots of fun running around and playing and enjoying snack time when it came the time. It was fun to be a part of. I love being an involved mommy and participate every chance I get. I love Stefon so much and look forward to more fun field trips in the months to come.

TEE-BALL

Well the boys started tee-ball this week and they are LOVING IT!! It is so much fun watching them hit the ball and play in the outfield. Daxton is doing great and even hitting with out the tee. Stefon hits very far but still uses the tee for now. They get so excited jumping up and down when then catch the ball and throw it to first base, and the look on their faces is priceless when they hit the ball so hard. I love being a mom and being able to allow my kids to play sports and being able to watch them learn and grow. Here are a few pictures from their first game. I'm sure more are to come in the next few weeks!!

BLACK HOLE!!!

Advance notice... this may be hard for some to read I really don't know all I do know is its how I'm feeling right now and have been for the last few days. I'm in this hole I'm not quite sure how to get out of... I'm tired of always pretending I'm ok, I'm tired of trying to accept this or even trying to pretend to figure out how. Truth hurts but this is the truth.. I'm not always ok, I still have a very hard time with the fact that I have a DEAD baby. Sometimes it feels like I'm being punched in the stomach when I face the hard facts. Nights like last night are HORRIBLE! I cried for 30 mins a bawling cant breath kind of cry, that knot in the back of your throat kind of cry the kind that scares the crap out of me. I haven't done this for a while and my sweet husband was kind enough to hold me while I did it. He didn't try to make it better he didn't say things I didn't want to hear her just let me cry. After 30 mins and it being past midnight I told him to get some sleep. He works early in the morning and I didn't want to keep him awake. I was up practically all night.. thinking and wishing and trying to imagine how it would have been if all of this didn't happen. What would our lives be like now. Trying to figure out why us, (why anyone in the BLM community for that matter), what did I do wrong, what should I have done different, did we make the right decisions, could we have done more my brain just wouldn't stop. Then I freak myself out and think crazy like what if there isn't anything after this... what if I don't see him again, why hasn't he visited my dreams lately?? AHHH I know it all sounds totally insane but its been my thinking process the last few days. It was amazing I had a dear sweet friend text me last night out of the blue to see how I was. I don't think she knows what that meant to me and how grateful I am to her. It helps to know that once in a while someone remembers. I hope she reads this and knows how grateful I am to her. I needed it more last night than in a long time. Now truth be told I do have good days to. More often than not Ive been accepting of this little world we live in and try to find peace in what I do have but these last few days have been pure awful and I had to get it off my chest. Sorry for those that don't understand or that think I should be over this but truth be told its very hard and not something you just move on from. I know why its so hard right now.. this is the time of year we actually got Kael home with us. He wasn't stuck in the hospital with a million machines and getting tests, and observed 24 hours a day. We had great memorable times with him which I will cherish forever. His 2nd angelversay is in just a few short weeks and I know that's whats dragging me down. I will continue to try and continue to be positive but for today I am sad and just don't want to pretend anymore!

Stefon started Preschool

Today Stefon started preschool today he was so excited. He picked out his backpack which of course was Buzz Light year his favorite right now he likes him so much that was his birthday party theme this year. Because hes such a grown up boy he wanted to walk to school like Daxton does. The preschool is about a mile away from our house but we trekked it anyway. It was a long walk but all 3 kids did great ( Stefon and his cousing Macy and friend Maddie they all go to school togeher). Stefon is so excited to be going to school with some old friends from last year and some new friends. Here's to a great preschool year! YAY

BYU!!

The first BYU game was on Saturday. We had a ball. Here are a few pictures from our fun day!! Cant wait until the next home game. We had so much fun and it turns out to be a great family day!! Go COUGARS

Days 29,30,31

So this is super late and im super sorry but here's the final 3 days!! YAHOO. Day 29 is of Slurpee's we love this and had to have lots this summer. The kids especially loved these ones because they were wrestling cups. Day 30 is of Landons first hair cut he had so much hair. He looks like such a big boy now. Day 31 our first family picture at the first BYU game this year. We totally LOVE BYU. We are obsessed. We have bought season tickets for the last 4 years and enjoy going down and watching the games. The boys already know the fight song and have for 2 years. We really have great time down there and look forward to the rest of the season.

Day 28!! Kael Pillows.

Look at these amazing pillows. My sister made them for me out of Kaels blankets and bath towels and put pictures of Kael and us on them. She made 1 for each of us Layne, I and each boy and gave them to us for Christmas the year Kael passed away. I hold these very dear to my heart. They mean so much to me. Shes working on making quilts out of his clothes also for each of us and I cant wait for them to be done. It helps me feel him a little bit more because their made out of his things that we used on him. Oh the memories. What I wouldn't give to have him here with us. I love that boy to pieces. He was so brave and strong and amazing and fought so hard to the end. He is my light and example. I strive to be as amazing as he was in his short little life. Sending much love up to heaven today.

Days 26 and 27

So Day 26 is of Daxtons school work. He was so proud yesterday to show me what he had done at school and that he did so well the teacher put a smiley face on his work. He is loving school. That makes me so happy!! I was worried about him hes so quiet and shy but hes doing great!! Day 27 is Landon this morning this is his new favorite trick.... to empty under the kitchen sink while I'm doing dishes etc. Hes so silly just loves getting into everything!!